The commuter who snapped this photo yesterday told Gothamist that this guy was "enjoying a half wheel of what must have been a severely aged Brie with crackers" on the N train at rush hour. Each generation gets the hero it deserves. [via]

You, the consumer, demand that every artificially hydrogenated preservative-laced concoction that you consume be sweet as a honeybee's tits. You, the consumer, also demand that your sweet nectar be free of "calories," nature's survival mechanism. You, the consumer, have found a new fake sugar to love!

New York City-based restaurant guide Zagat has declared that the best pizzeria in America is in...Long Beach, California, a city decidedly removed from "The Pizza Belt." New York should blame Bloomberg for this, too.

Wake up, zombie Americans! It's time to stop wasting our time jabbering about inconsequential matters like sports or cable TV shows or a "government shutdown." Our fellow citizens are, right this moment, facing an actual crisis: waiting in their cars far too long for a Sausage-n-Cheez Biscuit Combo.

Well, this is too bad. Guido Barilla, head of the world's biggest pasta brand, went on an anti-gay rant on Italian radio yesterday, proclaiming that he would never OK a commercial depicting a gay family and that if gays don't like his views "they can eat another pasta."

Finally, a restaurant has figured out how to get Brooklyn foodies to shut the fuck up: anyone who talks during Eat's $40 prix fixe "silent" dinner is "forced to eat the rest of their meal on the bench outside."

Stodgy, hidebound members of the establishment (who wouldn't know a bold new idea if it bit them in the ass) might not like to hear this, but we're going to get right up in their face and tell them anyhow: Outback Steakhouse is back— rebelliously.

John and Jane Doe, residents of 123 Main Street, Anytown, USA, are just your perfectly average American consumers: board-certified gastroenterologists, who will only purchase "Gluten-Free" food items, because they have scientifically confirmed their own celiac sensitivity with extensive medical testing.

When you have children of your own, you realize for the first time what your own parents went through, things you couldn't possibly have understood when you were a child—and really are better off not having understood, because the knowledge would have been debilitating. There's the abyssal terror at having brought a fragile, trusting life into a world of hurtfulness and destruction, for instance. Not far behind that is the problem of packing lunch.

Are you aware that the UN has declared 2013 to be "The Year of Quinoa?" How are you participating in the global quinoa uprising?

A new season is dawning, and with it, a new craving in America's soul. A craving for sustenance. A new kind of sustenance. Or, more accurately, a "comically large quantity of McDonald's food items" kind of sustenance.

The US Department of Agriculture is planning to introduce a new program for safety inspections at pork plants across the nation. How is the new program different? It offers more poop in your meat.

At the Restaurant at Meadowood in Napa Valley, "the protein-light tasting [menu, featuring mostly vegetables] for two, plus wine pairings, will exceed $2,000. Is it worth it?" Hmm.

Analysts say that "Price is the most important factor, ahead of flavor, when purchasing Greek yogurt," which is why America insists upon making the Yogurt Wars a battle between mediocre and sub-par while the real best yogurt languishes on the sidelines, unappreciated, like a creamy, delicious, calcium-packed Tim Tebow.

Once upon a time, Americans sat together at tables thrice daily for "meals," during which nutritious food was consumed. Today, however, market research indicates that we prefer to simply have processed meat products shoveled into our mouths constantly throughout the day. By conveyor belt, if possible.

I grew up in a tourist-laden town in sunny Florida. Its main downtown tourist street was full of fudge shops. I recently traveled to a popular small town in wintry Canada. Its main downtown tourist street was littered with fudge shops. What is it with tourism and fudge?

You are overpaying for that lobster dinner.

Just a little bit of extra sugar doubles the death rate for female mice. “Sugar is a poison by itself when consumed at high doses.”

The War in Afghanistan has lost the War for America's Imagination to the War for Greek Yogurt Supremacy. Though the latest dispatches from Kabul bore us to tears, we can't get enough news of the latest yogurt flavor combinations. Have you heard this Yoplait bullshit?

It's pretty self-evident that pornography sex is quite different from real-world sex.