Weary American diners will no longer be forced to laboriously consume two separate foods in order to get the great flavor of chicken and waffles.

There are some things that make you reminisce wistfully on your own childhood and realize, "yeah, things were better back then." Like today's so-called "music." Or today's so-called "fashion." Or when Taco Bell announces they're ending their kids meals.

Hot Pockets is "reinventing" its brand to emphasize the "quality of the ingredients." As you laugh about that, consider the fact that consumers bought $640 million worth of Hot Pockets in the past year.

President Obama lied to a group of children today and told them that his favorite food is "broccoli."

The Obama administration is making more moves to prevent childhood obesity—a complete overhaul of the munchies and beverages sold outside of school cafeterias. The administration just released a new set of nutrition standards, which means no more cheese curls or sugar water. You can have fruit. A petite granola bar. Light popcorn. Water. Maybe some low fat tortilla chips, but watch that portion size because everything, according to the new standards, must be under 200 calories.

When you think of "down home"-style modern American cooking, you probably imagine a happy family sitting down to a hot, steaming meal of mom's famous KFC Valu-Meal. But now, American families are getting back to their roots, by pretending to "cook" food.

Like a pair of pre-ripped jeans from Abercrombie or a distressed logo tee from Zazzle, America's food conglomerates are embracing a more easy breezy natural look when it comes to your food. And as expected, making processed food seem unprocessed involves more processing.

"Don't blame me," most people say. "I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut." If you were a squirrel trying to get a nut, why not go for the Cadillac of nuts? The macadamia nut. It comes from Hawai'i.

There are plenty of nuts you can purchase if you want to. But imagine that all nuts were the same price. What nut would you buy then? If the person in question is me, one of my top two choices would be the cashew.

Buttery crusader Paula Deen was just foolin' when she said she would cut the copious slabs of butter out of her cooking. This was a bait and switch because museum subject Paula Deen has a whole brand of butter.

When I tell people how much I like pecans, some people are surprised. "Hey, I think this or that other nut is tastier than a pecan," they'll say. Well, okay, fine. That's your right.

When 24-year-old software developer Rob Rhinehart stopped by Gawker's office last Wednesday afternoon he hadn't had a bite of solid food in four days, but was brimming with energy. Some of his pep was probably due to the fact that the previous day he launched a hugely successful crowd-funding campaign for Soylent, the liquid food replacement he invented and largely subsists on. It had received over $200,000 in a matter of hours. But the rest, he'd say, was science.

Sure, you love the buttery, chemical-y, cholesterol-y flavor of a nice bag of hot, steaming popcorn. But who has the time or cardiovascular stamina to place a bag into the microwave, push a button, and wait up to three minutes?

I don't know this for sure, but I'd guess that almonds are one of the most popular nuts in America. And why not? They are good. In fact, I'd say almonds are the fourth-best nut you'll find anywhere.

You like coffee? Yeah, I used to like coffee. I'm kind of over that now. I've evolved past that. I've advanced into tea. Tea is kind of the new "thing," for me and my 300 million closest friends, the citizens of the United States of America.

The vast majority of the U.S. economy is now supported by purchases of inferior Greek yogurt. Americans love the shit. But are you aware of... Greek Yogurt's Dark Side???

I like pistachio nuts. In fact, I would say that pistachios are the fifth best variety of nut in the whole wide world.

Monsanto is a $58 billion multinational Pesticide-'n-Frankenfood corporation that has moved on from selling Agent Orange to its new business of patenting actual seed genomes and then suing farmers who try to grow crops without paying the Monsanto corporation. Who could be opposed to such a thing. Only the elites, clearly.

You hear all these so-called "health experts" and "emergency room doctors gazing at our insulin levels in amazement" today who tell us, "Hey, don't drink so much soda," or "Hey, how can you put Mountain Dew in your baby's bottle, you monster?" They're always telling us to drink more water. But water is gross. What to do?

For years, doctors have advised people to limit their daily salt intake to 1,500 milligrams in order to protect their hearts. Now, other doctors say that keeping your salt intake that low will hurt your heart. What we can say for sure: salt, heart.