Quiznos—the sandwich place, you know, with the "toasty" kinda subs? That one. Real popular place, not too long ago. What happened?

"Is a Peanut Butter Pop Tart an Innovation?" Ummm, fuck yes.

In the future, soda will not be some grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and sugar. In the future, soda will be a grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and mysterious taste bud-modifying chemical agents. Progress!

Nuts: the demure yet dynamic dynamos at nature's table. Might it be true, friends, that eating nuts will actually cause you to not die? Yes. It is absolutely true. Science celebrates The Nut!

As of this weekend, meat companies will be required to "list details including the countries in which livestock were born, raised and slaughtered" on their labels. They would rather not!

Is Los Angeles the best food town in America?

Despite lacking the wherewithal to make their own sandwiches, entitled "Millennials" are demanding that the sandwiches made for them come on bread that is "unconventional," "unique," or even "wacky." It's about time for some famous newsman to ghostwrite another book about WWII, so we can hear how a real generation ate.

With the exception of the erosion of personal privacy and the growth of an ultra-powerful unaccountable economic elite over the course of several decades which we didn't notice because football was on, you can't put too much past Americans. Those Cocoa Puffs... are they natural? Don't try to fool us!

Here is some straight up bullshit: some scientist who like "playing god" are trying to improve on one of God's Greatest Creations—the incredible edible egg. NEWS FLASH, eggheads: it ain't gonna happen.

The fast food industry cares about the health of your kids. That's why the fast food industry is self-regulating when it comes to marketing their meat-poison to children. And self-regulation always works. That's why kids are still eating tons of fast food.

Lay's is releasing a chocolate-covered potato chip. Adjust your waistbands accordingly.

Your precious hot sauce is safe for now. A judge has denied a request to halt production at an Irwindale, California, Sriracha plant accused of emanating an odor that burns residents' eyes and throats. The judge instead set a hearing for November 22 to decide whether the factory should be temporarily shuttered.

The Food and Drug Administration reports that 12 percent of spices brought to the United States are contaminated with insect parts, whole insects, rodent hairs and “other things.” Seven percent of spice imports are also contaminated with salmonella. 100 percent of this information is gross.

"If it doesn't smell, we can't sell." So says Huy Fong Foods CEO David Tran, responding to a lawsuit that claims the strong odor emanating from his Irwindale, California, Sriracha plant is making residents feel sick. Tran added, "If the city shuts us down, the price of Sriracha will jump a lot."

Poor chickens. They don't get six million ways to die. They get, basically, two. Both of which are bad. And more chickens than you might think get the worst one: boiling alive.

The small California town of Irwindale isn't composed of much besides rock quarries and the 655,000-square-foot Huy Fong Foods factory, where the trendy Asian hot sauce Sriracha is produced. You might think Irwindale residents would be excited to have such a famous foodstuff based in their neighborhood, but a new lawsuit suggests at least some of them are sick of the chili odor emanating from the plant and making them feel ill.

Doesn't Ted Cruz ever get tired of being wrong?

The sands of time eventually destroy all things. Not actual McDonald's burgers—those are pretty much immortal, like all plastics. But McDonald's cheapest prices? Those will be dead in just two weeks.

For Sally Grimes, "chief innovation officer" at Hillshire Brands, her "innovation mantra is 'A.M.P.,' which stands for 'accelerating meat possibilities.'"

A contemporary American tale of woe: A Seattle Jack in the Box customer flew into a rage on Monday after being told that his third tub of ranch dressing would cost him a quarter. Not his first, nor his second, but his third. Naturally, he lost it.