Swords: Extremely cool. More swords: Even cooler. 3,174 swords: Uh, maybe scale it back a little, actually?

A Florida man looking to score drugs was arrested this month after police say he mistakenly texted the captain of the Martin County Sheriff’s Narcotics Unit, The Washington Post reports.

A Florida college student described as an “online troll” responsible for “hoax events” is in custody after allegedly instructing an FBI informant to place a pressure cooker bomb at an event commemorating the September 11 attacks, the Justice Department announced on Thursday.

From the Daytona Beach News-Journal comes this very strange, highly concentrated dose of pure Florida: A New Smyrna Beach woman was arrested in an alleged murder-for-hire plot against her daughter’s homeless boyfriend after he alleged gave the daughter’s children lice.

In late June, three Florida teenagers and a 20-year-old allegedly led a classmate to the woods near their school, where they hacked him to death with a machete—until his “face caved in”—and buried him in a shallow grave. One of the teens and the 20-year-old then had sex to celebrate, according to Miami-Dade police, before returning to the school.

Once again proving the state’s status as a scary, right-wing version of Mad Libs, a Florida man who declared his gun store a “Muslim-free zone” announced a contest on Monday to win an original Confederate flag painting by George Zimmerman.

Police believe that the Florida murders of Voncile Smith, 77, and her two adult sons may have been “ritualistic killings” that were connected to last week’s blue moon, an Escambia County Sheriff’s Office spokesman said. The Smiths were found dead in their Pensacola home on Friday.

A 44-year-old Florida man was shot dead in front of his wife, daughter, and grandson after a road rage incident where both sides called police on each other. The shooting, and the events leading up to it, were captured on 911 recordings.

Three men were hospitalized on Wednesday after lightning struck Haulover Beach in Miami-Dade County, Florida, America’s largest public nude beach, The Miami Herald reports.

A Florida man was taught one of the primary laws of vehicular combat this weekend when he brought a head to a bus fight and lost, badly.

An elderly Florida man was shot in the buttock with his own gun this week after confronting an intoxicated man who was disrupting sea turtle nests, the New York Daily News reports.

What did this Gainesville-area Wendy’s do to piss off God? Don’t know, but it must have been pretty bad, judging by the unmistakable “fuck you” our benevolent creator sent the restaurant this Sunday.

A Florida man who portrayed FSU mascot Chief Osceola from 2004-2007 was stabbed to death last week after a dispute about how to properly season gumbo, the New York Daily News reports.

Matthew Apperson, the man who allegedly fired into George Zimmerman’s pickup truck in May in a reported road rage shooting, will be charged with attempted second-degree murder, prosecutors say. According to the AP, this charge was upgraded from an aggravated assault charge.

An 18-year-old woman was arrested Friday in Bradenton, Florida, after police allegedly found 17 photos on her phone of the teen receiving oral sex from her pit bull.

An Orange County attorney has said Orlando police used excessive force against his client, a 12-year-old boy accused of breaking into an elementary school, who was badly mauled by a police dog, News 13 reports.

On Wednesday, a semi-truck described by multiple outlets as being “full of sharks” crashed in Volusia County, Florida, ejecting one of the fish and killing it, WESH reports.

A Florida man has been charged with misdemeanor simple battery and probation violation after allegedly throwing a slice of pizza at his roommate during an argument about (quite possibly the same) pizza, The NY Daily News reports.

There’s an old adage in journalism, probably: “Sometimes you chase the story, and sometimes you become the story [because a witness in a murder trial just used your face as an ashtray.]”