Breast taxes! Cortisone effects! Toxic prisons! Glaxo whistleblowers! Manhattan noise! Personalized therapies! HuffPo quackery! And the Army vs. suicide! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with pharmacologically-inspired positive mental attitude!
Radioactive cancer! Marathon runners! Allergic Raisinets! Bad doctors! Deadly medicine! Teens fucking! Depressed moms! Tasty lungs! And whooping cough that never goes away! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but only if that baby shuts up!
Sweat lodges! Tuna poisoning! Viagra dystrophy! Doctor impatience! Strength in adversity! Missing marathons! Alcohol benefits! Obesity costs! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—icthyologically!
A "health clinic" in Estonia is drumming up business for its weight-loss services by having a larger girl marked "Before" and a slimmer girl marked "After" walk around handing out fliers. We're horribly embarrassed for all involved, ourselves included. [Adfreak]
What are the olds doing these days, besides drinking heavily and shooting the young? Many are going back to their old colleges and cheerleading, at football games. Only problem: "most of the girls are a lot bigger now." Hmm. [WSJ]
Miner diet! Nutrition labels! Hispanic lifespan! Diet clothes! Broken backs! Dope drugs! And walking minds! It's your Thursday health watch, where we watch your health—and chew gum, simultaneously!
Marathon knees! Sports psychology! Biggest Loser workouts! Kettlebell ignorance! Football training! Booty fat! And the path to elite eliteness! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—dismissively, jealously, or, both!
Prescription drug roundup! Binge drinking cancer kids! Cell phone food yakkers! Air pollution breasts! Recipe for divorce! Ironman goes soft! Football brain damage! Home dialysis! Cancer food! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—hazily!
Laptop burns! Pizza frequencies! Drug trial speed! Knife-throwing wonder! Drill-less cavities! Rabies alert! Minorities in science! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—so single-mindedly we scarcely notice the hot item roasting our poor flesh!
Huh, says here that fitness superstar Perez Hilton is starting a new site about fitness, "FitPerez" dotcom. (Perez has "four trainers," after all). We've scored this exclusive pic of the new site's content, below.
Fitness infomercial lies! Fat blasters! Exercise time! America's depression! Infant sleep killers! Low fat cancer! ADHD genes! And stupid cats are bad! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from a safe, fetal position!
Pain and fitness! Functional food! Indecision! Horseback yoga! Expensive obesity! Tai chi danger! Protein facts! Too much sweat! And pure inspiration! It's your Tuesday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—with a straight face, and back!
Despite our ongoing educational campaign about the fact that bullshit "toning shoes" are bullshit, the segment grew by more than 800% in 2009. BIG SIGH. The ironic part? Obese people barely have any bullshit products to call their own!
Botox shox! Stem cell freedom! Michelle my belle! Chronic fatigue! Fatigue of chronic! Chinese babies! Eat more veggies! Body blow! Body blow! Body blow! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—on our way out of town!
NYC's stressed! And obese! And un-restauranty! Vending machines kill! Personal trainers chill! Depression is ill! The dentist is for girls! Medical student hobos! Money and happiness! Punches in the nose! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, watching your health—degenerating!
Drop and give me 20! No? Well, drop and give me ten. Or five. At least try. Yes, have some water. It's your special Army edition of Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—with empathy and understanding!
How lazy are Americans? So lazy we're in search of an easier way to wipe our butts. Meet the "Easy Reach Bathroom Tissue Holder." It adjusts the toilet paper to be closer to you.
Drunk in the gym! Greedy-ass yoga! Ab assistance! Chocolate for your health! Pro athletes without athletics! And the Twitter diet, phase two! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—but not in that skeevy David Barton way!
When people get fit it causes "permanent structural changes in the muscle," which makes them "remember" this strength. So, get strong now, slack off for 50 years, then work out right before you die. Your corpse will be jacked.
