First, America's women were relentlessly assaulted by Spanx™ undergarments, which bound their bodies tight like so many sausage cases. Now, our nation's men—once presumed impervious to this sort of thing—are also falling prey to, well, girdles, for chrissake.

Sex vs. dieting! Childhood obesity debates! Bamboo bikes! Genius t-shirts! Swimming while criminal! And an easy way to beat anger, for stupid jerks! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while ignoring our own!

New Alzheimers test! DNA for cancer! Grownups with pediatricians! Questions about statins! Patella band analysis! The science of sleep! And belly fat of doom! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—or do we?

In the last three years, the ranks of the American obese have grown by 2.4 million people. This, despite greater access to magical butt-toning shoes than ever before. If only there were another corporate behemoth to motivate us, technomagically?

Healthy bullets! Healthy gay blood! Healthy weed! Healthy ticks! Healthy yoga! Healthy ketamine! Healthy magazines! And completely unhealthy sperm of the deceased! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but not that closely, that's gross!

Price Is Right host Drew Carey lost 80 pounds by removing carbs from his diet and exercising six days a week. Good for him! Now he can beat up Bob Barker for talking shit about him. [People; pics via AP]

Plus-size madness! Dorky yogis! Socializing for health! Dangerous bats! Unhealthy vegans! And hardcore hotness! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while staying hydrated!

Claiming it's just gymnastic exercise and has no sexual connotation—plus the class is open to boys—the Up Yer Pole pole-dancing academy offers classes to kids as young as six. Child fitness: good. Pole writhing: questionable? Who knows. [via]

Heart attack triathlons! EZ-fix knees! Swimming keeps you alive! Fat mixing! Fitness cruise! Post-baby bodies! And the only weightlifting tips you'll ever need to watch! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while sipping opium-laced lard juice!

Do you have a desire to lose weight, an aversion to all those "science-based" workout programs, a gullible nature, and $79, plus shipping? Then you need Body Gospel™—the faith-based workout. But what makes Body Gospel™ so revolutionary?

Cholesterol kids! Weight loss drugs! Glucosamine failure! Skin cancer diversity! Proper sneeze coverage! And your daily milk needs, revealed! It's your Monday Health Watch column, where we watch your health: with supplemental protein!

A new study says that living close to lots of restaurants makes you fat. Funny, since residents of NYC—a restaurant paradise—are known to be the fittest and most attractive Americans of all. I guess we're smarter than average.

There's still time left to get into beach shape—and Equinox Fitness Clubs is helping you get there by offering you a 3-day VIP trial membership. Take a tour through the Equinox photo gallery below, and click here for your 3-day VIP trial membership now!

Denver's mayor takes the stairs! Full Figured Fashionistas have nice hair! Fat TV shows, there and there! Calorie knowledge is rare! Exercise is mental flair! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—from our airy lair!

Osteo danger! Fireworks injuries! Sleepy teens! Picky eaters! Ozzy columns! Obese necks! Gifted tests! And hair loss genes that want to render your body uncommonly smooth! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—one-handed, by necessity!

This is the greatest thing ever. Here's another Rich Juzwiak masterpiece, featuring moments from Diane Horner's Country Hip Hop Dancing, a workout video from HEAVEN. "You can even add your shoulders if you want. That's the fun thing about hip-hop!"

Fellow Americans: our diet has failed. More than 90% of us eat too much salt. We have to tax ourselves just to stop overdosing on soda. It's embarrassing. Fear not—an easy guide to eating healthy is just below!

Oooo, it's almost time for a brand new Government Food Pyramid! A panel of nutrition experts issued new Dietary Guidelines yesterday for Americans to ignore. The only ones paying attention: Kraft Foods Inc., your friendly corporate diet overlord.

Coffee science! Radiation danger! Sunscreen cancer! Nasty Kit Kats! Lap band death! And Gwyneth Paltrow's Paltry Workout for Palsy Patients! It's your health-filled Health Watch, where we watch your health—as Milo of Croton watched his!

Who says that Americans are a bunch of lazy suckers who believe that they can get in shape only by purchasing video games and fancy gizmos? Now, Americans know they must instead purchase magic swimsuits and pseudoscientific shoes. Fitness ahoy!