Depressed college kids! Depressed video game kids! Depressed adults! Depressed B12! Depressed tooth decay! Depressed ginger! Depressed surgeons! Depressed ladies! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—quite happily, thank you!

It's January, and that means it's time for everyone to join a gym and then quickly stop going to the gym out of laziness, in a trend-story-friendly manner. What a goddamn waste of money. Below, ten methods for becoming hardcore.

Celeb fit myths exposed! Energy Kitchens everywhere! The 94 year-old daddy diet! Republicans embrace exercise! Feeble gymgoing works! Workaday workouts! Man loses weight! And your New Year's resolution, exposed! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—2010 style!

Like many people, I have often idly wondered which actor from That 70s Show I would most want in my fallout shelter. And at last, I have a definitive answer: Ashton Kutcher. He's studying Muay Thai! He owns guns!

Staph inequality! DNA play okay! Probiotic neurotics! Supplement spikers! Sickening food! Fearless women! Caffeine kids! Young anorexics! And heart disease news for the old-person demographic! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a little something extra!

Vitamin sleep! Radiation babies! Sugar cereal! Fat Scots! Hotel workouts! Soda tax! Alzheimer's explanations! And the war on drugs pays off! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—if you can call it that!

Ladies, ladies: we have your health report card, and it's not good. According to this, you've been getting drunker, fatter, and sluttier. It's like every woman in America is a freshman in college again. What's your excuse?

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!

Obesity surgery! Overweight death! Diabetic exercise! Medvedev pull ups! McDonald's health care! DC water! Prostate drugs! Fish oil eyes! Miscarriage hearts! And deaf smoke! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in stereo-o-oh!

The Situation has a workout DVD coming out soon! It wouldn't be complete without a blooper reel. Inside, listen to him ask for a "Situation Special" and call a dude "butter" instead of "brother." UPDATE: now with more boner!

Fool America once with bullshit magic "Easytone" shoes that will fail to give you a perfect ass (unlike doing squats): shame on Reebok. Fool America twice with "Easytone" clothing with ludicrous "resistance band" "toning" pseudoscience: shame on America.

Baby radiation! Benadryl doom! AIDS pill! Boomer sex! Large 'n lovely! Birth defects! Attitude gratitude! Youth strength! Salt intake! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with unrestrained glee, and that's not a teevee show!

No Darvon! Airport smoking! Lou Gehrig's disease! Gym grunting! Flu shots! Racewalking! Nigerian curses! And mental illness is a call to arms! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while hallucinating and self-medicating in a nonstop cycle!

Science Guy! NASA machine! Heart drug! Rapid feedback! Skinny death! Meteor shower! And fake exercise myths from fake exercise scientists! It's your Wednesday Science Watch, where we watch science—pseudoscientifically!

Popey roids! Sex at work! Sex placebo! High stress women! Foodie fashionistas! Fish oil doubts! Salty teens! And old people can get as high as they want! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—ecclesiastically!

Dog treatment! Nail chemicals! Tetris PTSD! Obesity bro advice! Birth control stroke! Exercise cancer! ADHD skyrockets! Protein benefits! Kids stress! Lady gout! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—traumatically!

Fitness myths! Crystal diet! Fat marathons! Kiddie runs! Happy Meals! Carnivore cancer! Wine diet! Boxing girls! And your daily inspiration to make you feel ashamed! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—comparatively poorly!

Cheap drugs! Running spiritually! Whining patients! Catching lung cancer! Electro-trainers! Peanut allergy babies! Animal diseases! Outliving Brits! And the flu shot conspiracy! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while munching on whatever catches our fancy!

Dream diets! Asthma surgery! Concussion guidelines! Exercise colds! Depression reruns! Robot hands! Bluffer brains! And kitty kitty kitty cats cats cats! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while pandering to cute addicts!

As we have pointed out in the past, "juice cleanses" are bullshit, scams peddled by sharps to to sucker the desperate. Still, today brings yet another first-person trend story about juice cleansing. But—progress is being made!