Have you ever been staring at your junk clogged email inbox and thought, "I wish I could talk to all these people on the phone?" No? Well, then prepare to be baffled by yet another weird Google invention.

Twenty television bigwigs have come together to start up a brand new awards show as a rival to the annual Emmy Awards. But do we really need to replace TV's biggest night?

[Here's the current lineup at the Skyway Drive-In in Warren, OH. Oh you wacky summer-employed teens! Or oblivious assistant managers. Are they in cahoots with this Portland movie theater? Let's hope. Either way, Anne Rice quivers with delight. Via Reddit]

Well, this is embarrassing for the Bavarian town of Aßling: Someone trampled a swastika the size of a tennis court into a cornfield there. Now everyone who flies over think they're neo-Nazis. Unless they think alien neo-Nazis did it?

The Marc by Marc Jacobs accessories store on Bleecker Street in the West Village is always a nasty mess of horrible tourists waiting in line. Well, one local resident is imploring her neighbors to fight back.

The man accused of stabbing a Muslim NYC cab driver hardly has the background one might expect from someone charged with a hate crime committed in a drunken rage.

Wikileaks has published its most recent catch: a brief February 2010 CIA memo analyzing risks to homeland security if the United States is perceived as an "exporter of terrorism."

Broken friendships produce the bitterest feuds, which explains the big beef between Steve Jobs' Apple and Bono's Elevation Partners. Now Elevation is investing in Pandora, the beloved internet radio site edging ever closer to competition with Apple.

Last night, American politics changed forever: hilarious sex dingbat Ben Quayle successfully purchased a congressional primary victory in Arizona, with father Dan Quayle's credit card. Hear that, smearmongers? Don't ever question the Scion of Quayle again.

The average teenager sends nearly 3,000 texts a month. Experts say that kids these days are literally addicted to texting. Wow. Talk about a shitty addiction. Where's the glamor? We have the formula for breaking this useless, unsexy addiction.

Busty bombshell Christina Hendricks is the new face of staid outerwear brand London Fog. We think the lusty execs on Mad Men would approve of the campaign, even though we're thinking more about what's underneath than the raincoat itself.

"Ground Zero mosque" mania reaches exciting new heights. Last night a cabbie picked up a man at 24th and Second. The passenger asked "Are you Muslim?" The driver answered yes, and was promptly stabbed. He survived, thank god(s).

The body of Gareth Williams, a British spy connected to MI6, was found stabbed to death and stuffed inside a bag in the bathtub of his apartment close to MI6 headquarters. So...let's not jump to any conclusions.

CBS has reportedly paid a female former executive a roughly $1 million settlement in exchange for her not bringing a suit against Viacom boss Sumner Redstone for "verbal abuse and violent outbursts such as throwing dishes." Whoa, fella. [Daily Beast]

In addition to rolling out full-body nudie scanners in airports across the country, the TSA is now giving travelers the option of an "enhanced" pat-down. With the TSA's record of responsible behavior, what could ever go wrong?

A bunch of states held primary elections on Tuesday night, and I know what you're thinking: More elections, really? Can't Obama do something about that? But don't despair! These ones featured America's second choice for President, Arizona Senator John McCain!

People who unselfishly take on difficult tasks are disliked by their coworkers because their do-good behavior breaks "the rules" and makes others "look bad," according to a new study. So that's why no one came to your office birthday party.

On Tuesday, New York City Mayor-King Michael Bloomberg passionately defended the downtown Islamic community center that turned into this year's "August Crazy." It was even better than the first speech he gave about the issue. Honest! Here are some highlights:

On August 17, a list of the names of 69 young men in Puerto Asis, Colombia was published on Facebook. Leave town in three days, the list warned, or you will be executed. Now, three of the men are dead.

New York was among the winning states announced today in Barack Obama's "Race to the Top" contest, where states compete for federal education money. A celebratory Governor David Paterson accidentally called it "Race to the Cock," though, to Twitter's delight.