Spotted at a Phoenix airport: A t-shirt that reads, "CAUTION STAY 100 METERS AWAY OR YOU WILL BE SHOT," in English and in Arabic. (At least, that's what the tipster thinks it says in Arabic.) A close-up is below. Updated.

Dancing with the Stars will take some time away from its foxtrotting D-listers tonight to prove that the audience was booing the judges, not Sarah Palin, last night. No one has any reason to boo Sarah Palin, now do they?

Constantly masturbating hobbit-witch Christine O'Donnell, Delaware's Republican Senate candidate, notes on her LinkedIn page that she took a class on postmodernism at "University of Oxford." Fancy, except for the elitist subject matter! Anyway, she's lying.

The Eiffel Tower was evacuated today following its second bomb scare in under a month. Yesterday, a Paris train station was evacuated; two weeks ago, a false alarm emptied the Eiffel of tourists. Today's threat came by anonymous phone call.

White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel is all but certain to quit and run for Chicago mayor, possibly this week. Which lucky ducky in Washington will replace Emanuel in this miserable, cynical job? Hopefully some hack!

Jimmy Carter has been hospitalized in Cleveland after experiencing health problems on a flight.

A three-year-old in Lake City, Florida, brought 20 grams of marijuana to school before another student ratted him out to the teacher. They start them early these days, don't they? And since when do three-year-olds go to school?

Grand larcenies in the NYC subway system were up 15% last month, and police say it's all thanks to one devious crime: people grabbing your iPhone, or iPod, or other iThing, and running away. Do you never learn, trendsetters?

A new study shows that accidents caused by texting drivers actually increases when the activity is prohibited by law. That's because people send text messages, but try to get sneaky about it. We suggest threatening thumb amputation for all offenders.

Like most religious people, Americans are breathtakingly ignorant. We already knew we were ignorant about science and other factual matters, of course—but it turns out we're equally ignorant about religion! Except for the atheists.

Joe Cerniglia, the chef at New Jersey restaurant Campania, jumped to his death off the George Washington Bridge last Friday. His death's in the papers because he once appeared on Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Cause and effect overreach alert?

An Department of Justice Investigation has found widespread cheating among FBI employees on an important exam. The people charged with keeping us safe from terrorists can't even keep their eyes on their own papers!

Trojan recently released a state-of-the-art vibrator: the Triphoria. Three unique tips! The company also figured out how to get cable networks to let them advertise the sex toy during the day: Don't call it a "vibrator."

The first sign that Ann Coulter would not be an ideal speaker for a gay Republican group's 'Homocon 2010' came when she called John Edwards a 'Faggot' back in 2007. They had her anyway! And she was... Ann Coulter

Chronically masturbating actor James Franco has finally responded to reports he slept through class at Columbia: "It was this extra thing, it was 10 at night, it wasn't a class." Sounding a little cranky—maybe Jimmy needs a nap?

Bill Clinton is pretty content nowadays. He's rich, his initiative is soaring, the White House needs him. This is happiness. But never underestimate his love for acting on ancient grudges, as he did with sex pariah John Edwards in 2008.

X Factor contestant, unabashed teen prostitute, and reality TV clown Chloe Victoria has been caught doing cocaine on camera. Even scarier: There's footage from an old makeover show in which she ditches her trademark tarantula eyelashes and pancake makeup.

Anti-abortion activist Randall Terry is upping the ante on his as-yet widely unknown campaign against Islam by creating a video instructing Tea Party leaders how to pull their own Koran-tearing stunts and garner media attention.

Barack Obama is on a college kick this week, urging "disengaged" students to turn out for midterm elections. (Most college students don't know what these are.) Can he energize these jaded hippies, who loved him so much in 2008?

Your Facebook and Twitter accounts scare federal law enforcement. So does your Skype setup and your BlackBerry. If it's hard to tap, the feds fear it, which is why the Obama administration is calling for a bunch of new backdoors.