It's all happening, people. Newt Gingrich, a politician from the 1990s, is officially running for president! No wait, he's just forming an official presidential exploratory committee! No wait, he's just officially "exploring" a presidential bid! Yes, that last one. That's what Newt Gingrich announced he is doing today.

Despite current statistics, it seems college students are always doing sex things. One day it's a fucksaw demonstration, the next it's a naked party that gets out of hand or publicly posted guides on how to masturbate. The latter two are what we're talking about today.

The labor standoff in Wisconsin over Gov. Scott Walker's proposal to eliminate public workers' collective bargaining rights just took an exciting new turn. The state's Senate Republicans voted unanimously a short while ago ordering Senate Democrats to return from their out-of-state hiding spots to Madison by 4:00 p.m.

Apparently during Sunday night's ungodly awful Oscars telecast, co-presenters (and apparent ice cream salesmen) Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin did a little dance and kissed each other before they walked up to the mic. Great fun, right? Best thing in a bleak night! Except, we didn't get to see it because the producers instead cut to Bardem's wife Penelope Cruz. Boo!

What would you do if you found out that you were related to your arch nemesis? You'd probably cook up a big steaming plate of Italian food and serve it to some gushing judges. Everything last night was about family, and being nice. Boring!

A new CDC survey of Americans and their people-fucking preferences contains at least two valuable pieces of information. First, that kids these days are getting laid less; "the proportion of 15- to 24-year-olds who have had some kind of sex dropped in the past decade from 78 percent to about 72 percent." And second, that ladies love ladies; "Twice as many women reported any same-sex contact in their lifetimes compared with men (13% of women and 5.2% of men)."

OK then. We've now seen the crop of lady-girls who were selected by the Idol panel to battle it out for our amusement, and it's not pretty. Well, it's certainly pretty, there are many pretty girls in the lineup, but vocally? It doesn't seem like they're going to get the Kelly Clarkson they're so clearly wishing for.

Would-be presidential frontrunner Mike Huckabee humiliated himself a few days ago with his bizarre "Barack Obama's childhood in Kenya during the Mau Mau Revolution made him hate America" radio performance. But instead of simply hanging his head in shame for a little while after that, he doubled down on his fictional dog-whistle psychoanalysis of the president during another ugly interview with one of the most insane people in American politics. What a show! What a... show.

This famous young lady was encouraged to drink by her boyfriend, even though she's drinking for two. This underage actress ran away from home and this actress was accidentally peed on by Andy Dick. It's a hard day to be an actress.

Holly Madison recommends using "body makeup to cope." Lindsay Lohan tells her dad to STFU. Justin Bieber is sorry for flipping off the paparazzi. Willow Smith falls asleep at a meeting with Jay-Z. Thursday's gossip roundup has it both ways.

Is there any better kind of government file than a government UFO file? (No, there is not.) The U.K. just dumped its largest-ever cache of UFO files, and there is some pretty great stuff in there. Such as these letters, wherein a former Ministry of Defense employee writes from Sri Lanka of a "partial aura" and "a ring like a doughnut," providing along with his or her letter two pictures of this unidentified object. And yet, his case handler is less than moved: "Defence of Sri Lankan airspace is clearly a matter for the Sri Lankan Government and you may wish to pursue your enquiries with them." The MoD can be so bitchy!

Is Louisiana Governor/exorcist Bobby Jindal corrupt? Obviously not, no—who ever heard of a corrupt Louisiana politician?—and yet The New York Times seems to be strongly implying that he is:

There are so many reasons to have security cameras in liquor stores—for security, obviously, but, maybe more importantly, to capture those life-affirming moments when dozens of bottles fall to the floor and shatter in an indescribably satisfying way.

Oh Banksy, that elusive sprite. The British street artist may have graduated to being nominated for Oscars and scribbling stuff in Simpsons episodes but all anyone really cares about is who he is. (Even though, we know in our hearts that he's probably some average-looking white guy—i.e. BORING.)

Justin Bieber celebrated his 17th birthday with presumed girlfriend Selena Gomez last night at Maggiano's Restaurant in LA. In some of the paparazzi pictures that resulted, a red bump is visible on Gomez's lip. While we assumed it was just a late-winter cold sore, many Justin Bieber fans grabbed onto a darker explanation: Selena had been punched in the face by a jealous Bieber fan.

New documents obtained by the Electronic Privacy Information Center (EPIC) show that since 2006 the Department of Homeland Security has been running pilot programs with mobile backscatter x-ray scanners (the same technology in those full-body airport scanners everyone's pissed about). That means driving the things around and scanning trains, cars—even pedestrians. From Forbes:

Bradley Manning, the army intelligence analyst accused of leaking reams of classified data to Wikileaks, has been hit with 22 additional charges. One of them is "aiding the enemy," which carries the death penalty.

So what is it, America: Do you want federal budget cuts or not? Because this new WSJ/NBC poll does not prescribe much in the way of a path going forward:

In the sun-scorched cauldron of violence and hatred that is Arizona, humans are no longer able to procure sustenance without fighting off rabid beasts driven half-mad by the incessant, life-sucking heat. A family in Yuma arrived home and opened their door, only to be overtaken by a black dog rushing past them into the artificial sanctuary of their air-conditioned apartment, made cool by burning vast quantities of fossil fuels which will, ironically, cause our dying planet to become even hotter over time. The interspecies showdown quickly devolved:

Not if he gets his way in his next movie he won't. Also today: pilot casting including roles for an old WB favorite and a new CW regular, Tom Hanks and Tim Allen hop aboard the lucrative theme park ride adaptation movie racket, and Christina Aguilera gets her sentence.