Maryland's legislature is so very, very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. How close? Well, the debate is already at that last-minute choke point where a handful of annoying Democrats nearly screw it up for no real reason!

Regular haircuts not good enough for your toddler? Does your unemployed, penniless, pooping child refuse to enter any salon that does not feature "trendy designer haircuts, hair styling (think spray-on hair color and hair tinsel) and kiddo-friendly beauty services, including funky nail design and glitter tattoos"?

At last? Though the semifinals just began this week, here we are already at the finals. Instead of doing two weeks of semifinal competition, the show decided to do it all in one fell swoop, eliminating a record-setting eleven people in one episode, leaving the stage of the Idol Thunderdome soaked with blood and tears. But mostly blood.

On this past Wednesday evening, the world witnessed something that it never had before: a live performance of the original hip hop music of CHET HAZE, Northwestern University's foremost MC whose father is one of the voices of a leading character in the beloved Toy Story franchise.

Penelope Cruz is perhaps not a fan of her brother's new girlfriend. Charlie Sheen may be in contempt of court. Zac Efron might have caressed a gentleman caller's hand. Friday gossip lacks certainty, but makes up for it with dirt.

This group of gay Hollywood power players have all dated famous actresses, this celebrity couple is a fake, this inexperienced Oscar-nominee is now sleeping with all the ladies, and two items about athletes dating actresses. Maybe the actress-dating ballers have a club of their own.

The Southern California chapter of a Muslim charity called Islamic Circle of North American Relief USA held an event in Orange County last month hoping to raise about $350,000 for "women's shelters, fighting hunger and homelessness in the area." So of course hundreds of people showed up to protest, chanting "go back home" and "Muhammad was a pervert."

Crazy not-birther Mike Huckabee thinks Natalie Portman is corrupting America by having been "visibly pregnant" at the Oscars without being married. On Michael Medvedev's radio show, Medvedev talked about how "sending that kind of message is problematic." Huckabee agreed:

The director of the prestigious London School of Economics resigned today amidst a scandal over his and the school's shameful coziness with homicidal Libyan dictator Colonel Qaddafi. The LSE accepted nearly $2.5 million in donations from Qaddafi-run charitable foundations, which is bad enough. But it also gave Qaddafi's high-rolling son, Saif al-Islam, a PhD. in economics for what appears to be a plagiarized thesis.

Courtney Love has settled her Twitter defamation lawsuit with fashion designer Dawn Simorangkir for $430,000. In March of 2009, Courtney Love let loose a string of nasty tweets about Simorangkir, calling her, among other things "a 52 year old desperate cokes [sic] ass" and a "nasty, lying, hosebag thief." It was apparently an argument over some clothes.

Brandon Davies, star center for BYU's nationally-ranked basketball team, has been suspended for the rest of the season for breaking the Mormon school's honor code by having pre-marital sex. Davies apologized to his team this week. But the only thing he has to be sorry about is that he didn't pick a better school.

A bill that's been introduced in the Texas state legislature would finally, at long last, put an end to illegal aliens taking American jobs. If any of you Texans think you can get away with hiring an "unauthorized alien" on the cheap, this bill would make that punishable by up to two years in prison and a $10,000 fine. Is that clear enough? No hiring of illegals! Although there is one small loophole in the bill: "Unauthorized alien" domestic workers, like maids, caretakers, lawnboys, and so on, would still be totally legal to hire.

Two filmmakers have sued Harvey and Bob Weinstein's studio for more than $114 million, claiming that the Weinsteins ruined five animated film projects with their "indecisiveness and general incompetence." They would have filed the lawsuit earlier, they say, but the Weinsteins paid them $500,000 in quasi-hush money to delay it until after the Oscars so as not to sully their campaign for The King's Speech. Hollywood works in strange ways.

Texas is only the most stereotypical of the nine states currently debating whether to allow students to carry guns on college campuses. Students! With guns! At college! In Texas! This is what they are worried about, when it comes to education issues, in Texas. Why?

Those Hollywood dream masters are narrowing the field of actresses in contention for the lead in their adaptation of the dystopian teen book series The Hunger Games, and we're not thrilled with their choices. Also today: some bigger name actresses land in TV pilots and Superman gets a mom.

Charlie Sheen has signed up with Ad.ly, the company that sets up endorsement deals for celebs to promote on Twitter and Facebook. The company estimates Sheen could make $1 million a year. Just look at what he's already done for Tiger Blood!

Jesus Christ: According to the final word in trendwatching, the New York Times Style section, those god damn hats with animal faces and animal ears on them that make the wearer appear to be a mentally feeble four year-old girl "are a trend that shows no sign of going away."

Poor Katrina Epperson. She was returning to her North Carolina home after getting a license to open a day care center in her residence when she and her boyfriend, Christopher Webb, were arrested for also running a meth lab out of the house. Talk about utilizing the space!

Northwestern University: so awesome, it's too awesome for the President of Northwestern University. The crusty ol' prez is "launching an investigation" into the recent hot sexxxy in-class fucksaw demonstration for a Northwestern psychology class. What's the matter, Morton Schapiro— didn't get enough hot live fucksaw action the first time around?

Among a certain set of young women, just the mere mention of actor Robert Pattinson is enough to elicit uncontrollable shrieks and gurgles. Seriously? This guy? What the hell is wrong with you, ladies?