This Oscar-winner likes to get "special massages" and his wife doesn't seem to mind. This other actor has a bizarre cure for acne scars. And this tabloid is being charged hefty sums for interviews. They don't even get a happy ending!

There's a crisis brewing in California's local, organic, grass-fed, humanely slaughtered meat industry, man. Nice butchers are in short supply, forcing farmers and consumers to (gasp!) forgo their oath to the locavore movement and get their meat from hundreds of miles away.

When Rebecca Black's "Friday" first came out, you probably didn't think a music video could get any worse. You may feel different after watching this Christian parody version, titled—what else?—"Sunday." [via Urlesque]

If there's a word to describe Gary Busey, "normal" is definitely not one of them. Case in point: Busey's interview with Jay Leno on this evening's Tonight Show, which was chock-full of insane moments. Here they are in one handy video!

On yesterday's Report, Stephen Colbert aired the first "My Fair Colbert: Stephen Colbert's Crown Jewels" segment, during which he ruined an afternoon tea session with royal biographer Hugo Vickers. Tonight, Colbert ruined a run-through of the proper etiquette for meeting the queen.

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart talked about what we all figured he'd talk about: Glenn Beck's departure from Fox News. And, naturally, Stewart bid adieu to the paranoid loudmouth by reviving his famed, equally conspiratorial impersonation of Beck.

In a landmark piece of legislation that once again demonstrates their profound capacity for out-of-the-rational-box thinking, the Arizona House of Representatives has voted to allow guns on campuses.

Remember the government's color-coded terror alert system? Sure you do. It was fun, festive, and went with everything. Well, it's history. Back in January, the Department of Homeland Security announced plans to phase out the system. So what will replace it? As of April 27, terror alerts will come in just two forms —"elevated" and "imminent"— and will be broadcast over the two most popular social networks.

It seems as though Marine Corps Gen. James Amos (pictured, third from left), a onetime outspoken opponent of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal, has had a change of heart. Where only recently he was testifying that letting gay soldiers serve openly would have a "strong potential for disruption at the small unit level," today he told the House Armed Services Committee that "the clear majority of [feedback] is very positive." Which means gay soldiers could serve openly as soon as this June. Ha! Suck on it, House Armed Services Committee.

Remember Ashley Kirilow, the 23-year-old woman from Ontario who shaved her head, waxed her eyebrows, plucked her eyelashes and bilked $20,000 out of kind strangers who thought they were helping her treat a cancer she did not have? Well, her sentence has come, and it's a light one.

Reuters has a nice long dive of an article looking at how, exactly, MySpace ended up in the toilet after News Corp. bought it for $580 million in 2005. The best part, though, is short and sweet:

Just when you think there isn't enough readily available high culture in this country — the opera is too expensive, plus Lepage's staging of Das Rheingold actually makes us miss fusty old Otto Schenk — comes news that we are saved. Specifically, we're getting some Jersey Shore spin-offs.

After a long time away, the one-time celestial teen queen of broadcast television is returning to the small screen. Also today: We might, coincidentally, have a new Juliet; a cult favorite cartoon gets a second season; and, no folks, 30 Rock is not dying. Probably.

Forty-two United States Senators have signed a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder demanding more prosecutions over adult pornography via the "vigorous" enforcement of federal obscenity laws. The Obama administration has not filed any new adult obscenity cases, because it has plenty of other actual work to do than to enforce dated, pandering laws about videos of adults having dirty sex.

Today CNN broadcast the first on-camera interview with Eman al-Obeidy, the Libyan lawyer who stormed a Tripoli hotel and struggled to tell journalists of how she was raped by pro-Gaddafi forces two weeks ago. She tells CNN that she was "brutally tortured to the point of them entering weapons inside of me" and alcohol was poured in her eyes. Apparently she's relatively safe now, though she's been harassed by Gaddafi's thugs since.

Let us take a break, now, from our daily diet of sarcasm and filth for a heartwarming tale: Nicholas Maxim, a boy born with arms that end at the elbow, won educational publisher Zaner-Bloser's annual National Handwriting Contest this year. A fifth grader at Readfield Elementary School in Readfield, Maine, he beat out 200,000 other grade schoolers for the quality of penmanship he produces by pinching a writing utensil between his arms.

Two months after AOL acquired her website the Huffington Post, Arianna Huffington has begun refashioning the internet conglomerate into a gigantic digital mirror whose reporters will document every last twitch of her ego. Or so says Arianna Huffington.

It's no secret that any morality we pretend to have crumbles the instant cash is introduced into the equation. Some devious British scientists decided to prove this by offering test subjects cash to shock people; pretty much everyone took the cash.

Here's a cheap mid-afternoon giggle for federal workers: A hot-off-the-presses White House proclamation declaring next week — when the government may be shut down — National Volunteer Week. It's that patented Hawaii dry humor, folks; don't try it at home.

Meet Greg Coleman, Sundar Pichai and Neal Mohan. They are having an awesome week. A week that involves, collectively, roughly $150 million dollars in bonuses; monster severance for short-lived jobs; and orders to report to a new boss in Paris.