Everyone knows that bedbugs are gross jerks that attack war veterans. But were you aware that they're also gassy? Luckily, you can use their flatulence against them thanks to an "exciting newly patented product" called the BBD-100.

This summer, as the remaining U.S. troops are pulled out of Iraq, we'll be taking some cultural icons with us: Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway and Cinnabon are leaving the country, too. That's right — not only will Iraqis be missing the sight of heavily armed foreign troops and the comforting buzz of Predator drones, but they'll no longer catch a whiff of an oven fresh Meat Lover's® pizza wafting over the concrete blast walls of their local Forward Operating Base. All of the restaurants are scheduled to be pulled out by year's end.

Poor little Tiny the lowland gorilla is dead after sustaining injuries caused during an attack by his surrogate father Kesho, who was apparently became "jealous" of the defenseless tot and started a fatal fight. Kesho is definitely on our "Worst Gorillas in the World" list today.

This is the end of National Etiquette Week. Did everyone use the right fork when they were at dinner last night? Glad to hear it. But there are still a few matters that we need to clear up.

So far this year, the U.S. has had to shell out more than a billion dollars to deal with the aftermath of five weather disasters caused by Mother Nature—who seems to think we're made out of money or something. Typical woman.

Jesse James is still around. Nicollette Sheridan is still really upset about being fired from Desperate Housewives. David Arquette has "clean" hands. And Rupert Murdoch paid Sienna Miller for hacking her phone. Saturday gossip is all about payback.

Another weekend, another set of spring movies. This weekend sees the debut of a highly anticipated lady comedy, a less anticipated sad man indie, Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a wig, and Dax Shepard being Dax Shepard.

So, Michele Bachmann... she is probably just pretending to consider a run for president in order to raise PAC money? But maybe she's serious? We haven't conclusively determined where Bachmann's potential candidacy lands on the fake/real spectrum. But the murmurs are certainly helping her raise cash. And now she's introduced a tiered donation system in her latest email solicitation: $25 bucks for another House run, $50 "or $100" for a presidential run. Checkbooks out, chop chop!

No sooner does a team of anonymous American heroes risk their lives in pursuit of a solemn oath of justice than a multinational cartoon corporation seeks to profit from it with shitty tchochkes. Two days after members of the Navy's SEAL Team 6 killed Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name for use in, among other things, "Christmas tree ornaments."

Hey, terrorists! If you're considering blowing up New York but were worried about the NYPD's crack anti-terrorism team foiling your plot, don't worry: Here's what the largest police department in the country is on the lookout for. A blogger just found the plans in the trash.

I know you never thought it possible, but little Troy Bolton is about to get sexual and thrilling, all at once. Also today: tons of TV news about renewals and cancellations, plus a sexy little companion piece to the Efron news.

Former New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan, who became a national sensation after saying "the rent is too damn high" many times in one debate last year, has concocted a clever self-marketing strategy. He takes his famous "the ___ is too damn high" formulation and fills the blank with whatever corporations pay him to fill it with.

What do you do when you want the world to know about the celebrity you creepily obsess about? Stamp their face on your arm, stomach, back or leg, obviously. Here are the best worst celebrity fan tattoos, people who permanently branded themselves with their fixations, and have absolutely nothing to regret. Because in 50 years, having a giant image of Criss Angel, Eminem, Avril Lavigne, Bono, or Clay Aiken will be just as cool as it is today, right?

These photos of Arnold Schwarzenegger posing as the Admiral of Areolae come to you straight from 1986, the year he wed newly estranged wife Maria Shriver. We don't know why or where they were taken. But that won't stop us from guessing!

Boston businessman Wayne Chang claims that the Winklevoss twins elbowed him out of the $65 million settlement Facebook paid them back in 2008. Chang partnered with the Winklevii on their failed ConnectU project—the idea they claim Mark Zuckeberg stole and turned into Facebook— and he says this entitles him to a portion of the ginormous settlement, of which he currently has $0.

After a nearly month-long hiatus for retooling, the beleaguered Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark Broadway musicale resumed performances last night, and they didn't fuck up once! Well, that's not true. There were a few oopses, but mostly it sounds as though things went smoothly.

Here's how easy it is to become the most hated person on the internet: An innocent high schooler has had her life turned upside down after a hacker put her name in a potent Facebook worm that told people to kill themselves.

For the two or three of you who don't spend every Saturday night watching Fox News already, you'll definitely want to tune in tomorrow evening. Mike Huckabee is teasing a "very important announcement" that he plans to make on his show. The inside bet is that he's pregnant again. But it may also have something to do with that 2012 presidential race that he'd be a frontrunner in.

Last night on Mutual of Omaha Presents The Little Engines That Can't there were a couple of parties and at both women made asses of themselves, but only one of them had a real ass. Not a donkey, Sonja Morgan's.

Yesterday we published the story of a woman in Midtown who received a "sicere solicitation" of love—via business card—provided that she was "Not Compromised." Many readers hastened to send in their own tales of business card-based solicitations!