When most people go on vacation, they forget about their workout routines and restrictive diets. Not Michelle Obama. She is, once again, advocating for children to exercise, this time on her trip to South Africa. How does she do it and never break a sweat?

Congressmen and Senators may be having some trouble with their debt ceiling negotiations today — specifically, Republicans keep walking away of them — but that's not really important. Who cares about "bonds"? Especially today, on Seersucker Thursday!

Last week, three tourists watching a staged "Old West"-style gunfight in the South Dakota tourist town of Hill City were shot. Like, actually shot! One of those victims was Carrol Knutson, a visitor from Minnesota. And if there's one thing Carrol Knutson knows, it's this: she was shot by a god damn bullet. "Hospital staff told her a bullet shattered her fibula," for one thing. So she just, you know, came to that conclusion. Whoa there, little lady!

A second allegedly pimping professor has emerged in the case against David Flory, the physics professor arrested for running "virtual house of prostitution" Southwest Companions. Flory operated the escort database as a "hobby," and says he didn't profit from it.

During an event celebrating the launch of his new perfume at Macy's in Herald Square in New York, Justin Bieber was attacked by a crazed fan. Trouble in Teenland! The video above apparently shows the attack.

It's been difficult to follow the developments this week in the fight for same-sex marriage in New York. Someone on Twitter says "EXCLUSIVE: VOTE HAPPENING TONIGHT," and then five minutes later, "UPDATE: NO VOTE EVER." So let's try to make some sense of what's happening.

Huguette Clark, the reclusive copper heiress who recently died at 104, left most of her $400 million estate to a new charity to promote the arts and to her nurse and friend, Hadassah Peri, according to the will filed yesterday in New York. Well, hello nurse!

What is up with the white people and their refusal to spawn these days? There is such a severe lack of pasty procreation that now, for the first time ever, the majority of new babies are being popped out by The Minorities. The white supremacists warned us about this, but nobody listened!

After testing positive for alcohol use during her house arrest following a neverending string of DUIs, probation violations, and an uncontested theft, Lindsay Lohan arrived in court today wearing her most conservative outfit yet: A blue striped button-down and black dress pants. But her bra showed anyway, in the gap between buttons. Modest clothes strain to fly off her body, like misaligned magnets repelling each other.

After more than a decade, a dead woman's battle for her dead husband's money has finally ended. The Supreme Court ruled against the estate of Anna Nicole Smith today.

Presidential candidate Herman Cain is furious at "idiotic reporters" who mocked his line that he wouldn't sign any bills longer than three pages. He was exaggerating! He didn't actually mean three pages when he said, quote, "three pages." Why didn't, say, Jon Stewart understand this? Because he's racist, very very racist.

The flight attendants union for Southwest Airlines may file discrimination charges against against the downmarket airline after a pilot accidentally broadcast a rant against the "gays," "grannies," and "grandes" he has to work with.

One positive side effect of our entire nation being unemployed: we're spending less time at work! The Labor Department's latest annual survey of what the hell we do with all our time found that we, as a nation, work less than four hours on the average weekday—six minutes less than in 2009. Layabouts! And what are we doing with our abundant free time? Laying about! From the WSJ:

Lindsay Lohan meant to give an interview before today's court appearance, but freaked out and locked herself in her bedroom instead. Hugh Hefner's wedding special is back on. Tobey Maguire and Matt Damon get caught up in a illegal poker scandal. Thursday gossip makes demands.

After much speculation, J.K. Rowling has released a video explaining what her mysterious new website, Pottermore, really is. A new book? A game? No, it's just a store.

Everyone thinks this singer has a way with words, but it's his secret gay lover who has the magic pen. This TV star is cheating on his girlfriend. Sounds like the same old song and dance.

A bunch of fans of Aimi Eguchi, the newest member of the Japanese idol group AKB 48, were shocked to discover that she was actually a computer generated composite of the "best features" of other members of the group. This must happen every day in Japan.

The co-founder of Thrasher magazine, Eric Swenson, committed suicide on Monday in front of a police station in San Francisco. Swenson also co-founded Independent Trucks and Spitfire wheels, and he helped to create High Speed Productions Inc, which publishes Thrasher, Slap, and Juxtapoz magazines. In a statement on its website, Thrasher wrote, "Never one to clamor for the spotlight, he preferred the hard work, orchestrating the show from behind the scenes." He was 64.

New age "guru" and friend of Oprah, James A. Ray — who charged people $10,000 to enter his Arizona sweat lodge of death, resulting in the deaths of three people in 2009 — was found guilty of negligent homicide yesterday.

Because he didn't seek the approval of Congress to continue military operations in Libya past the first 90 days, a defiant President Obama is now in danger of having the war stripped of its funding. Even so, Obama isn't budging, and on tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert commended him for "[telling] Congress to suck it."