Max was a little taken aback by the Scottsdale Gun Club's plan to offer posed Christmastime portraits with Santa and machine guns, but now that some have been released I think they're delightful. Locked and loaded for a merry Christmas and a very happy new year!

Add this to the list of Wall Street's problems: kids these days don't think banks are "cool" any more, for some reason. (Kids. You know?) The NYT says that even Yale kids are protesting when Morgan Stanley comes to campus to recruit their peers who know how to pick out a decent suit, which is probably... the best thing Yalies have ever done.

A maniac of a 14-year-old girl (they're all maniacs) went on a pepper spray rampage, spraying down a classroom of students and sending nine to the hospital. Remember all the worst scenes in Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan imagines the high school as a chaotic wild animal kingdom? It was just like that but with pepper stray. And in Harlem.

In its attempt to gloss over every movie you ever loved with forgettable songs, silly plot reimaginings, and sentimental nostalgia, Broadway is now bringing over Ghost: The Musical from London. Based on this snippet, it looks pretty damn bad.

Scientists have come a long way in making robots seem more human—and yet the essential human trait of "self-hatred" has eluded them. So far. Researchers at TheCorpora have managed to give their little pan-European-accented friend Qbo the ability to recognize itself in the mirror. (As Qbo says, "nice.") It's not perfect—Qbo would likely "recognize" other Qbos as itself—but it's an important development in the only strategy that will win us the upcoming robot-human war: giving them all of our neuroses. [via PopSci]

Does Herman Cain just drink constantly on the campaign trail? We didn't hear much about this as he was becoming the frontrunner, but the faster he plummets, and the more his allies turn on him, the more delicious these stories should become! It's already starting.

What's that awful sound spewing from little Johnny's earbuds? If Johnny is from the age of 14-23, it's probably Skrillex. Come, old person, now that you know about Justin Bieber and "Swag" it's time to learn about the insanely popular DJ your tween offspring is currently necking to in the back of your Plymouth.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has never been accused of taking a heavy-handed approach to governing. Want to smoke? Go ahead! Want to have a little salt with your deep-fried meat product? All you, baby! Want to camp out for a few weeks in a park to protest? Who's going to stop you? Only his army.

Warren Buffett, the third-richest man in the world, is buying the Omaha World-Herald, his hometown newspaper. The purchase price has not been revealed. But even if it was, oh, $50 million, it would be a purchase for Warren Buffett approximately proportional to you buying a cheap pair of shoes.

Alright, guys, I have a confession to make: I broke Glee. Well, maybe not me alone, but I think I done broke it. I told it to stop being an insane mess that makes no sense and now it's just...a boring mess that makes no sense. Man, last night.

If you were worried about the fact that police have been saying two different serial killers, both well-versed in police techniques, were responsible for the ten bodies found on Long Island's Gilgo Beach over the last year, stop worrying: there's just one serial killer! So, good news! Or something.

Wait. Wait. Two dollars for a six inch long Subway submarine sandwich???? That's even... (*counts on fingers*)... cheaper than a five dollar one foot-long Subway submarine sandwich!! Absolutely nothing can ruin our altogether genuine enthusiasm for this development!

Cops managed to not pepper-spray a victim of our country's absurdly creditor-happy finance laws for once in their lives this weekend when they refused to evict a 103-year-old woman and her 83-year-old daughter. Progress!

Daniel Craig ridicules Kourtney Kardashian's placenta. Kellan Lutz gives himself a "Hitler Youth" hairdo. Ali Lohan wonders whether Dina will let her get plastic surgery. Ashton Kutcher hangs out with a cow. Wednesday gossip is full of hate.

If you were advertising a legal secretary position on Craiglist, would you post it in the Jobs section under "Legal/Paralegal," or in the Gigs section under "Adult"? If you're Illinois lawyer Samir Zia Chowhan you'd choose Option Two, because you'd expect your secretary to be "adult"—with you! On the clock and on the desk, never sleep, never rest.

After a solid decade in the "luxury cars whose jaw-dropping price tags are a marketing tool rather than an accurate reflection of the cost of the good in question" business, Daimler is putting an end to its Maybach line, due to the fact that it somehow did not make a profit even though you could buy enough Lexuses to form a Voltron-like robot for the price of a single Maybach. Anyhow. On to the real news here:

This much-celebrated director lends his sperm to any lesbian couple who asks. This singer is sleeping with all of Hollywood's young actresses, and this Oscar-winner is mean behind Kim Kardashian's back but afraid of saying anything to her face. Coward!

Hi Kids! Welcome to Gawker's famous "Kiddie Corner," a place just for you. Today, let's talk about 911. Does anyone know what 911 is? That's right! It's a phone number. A very important phone number. It's Santa Claus' phone number!

I don't mean to come off as a "sheltered Susan" who's not "street smart" about "how these things work," but I found this story a wee bit more disturbing than would be indicated by the paltry level of media attention it received. How do you become a prostitute in Brooklyn these days? Just by being snatched off the street, at random!

Syracuse's assistant basketball coach, Bernie Fine, was fired after being accused of child molestation. And now, on top of it all, there's this photo choice by the Tacoma News Tribune. When will this nightmare end?