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Report: White Guys Make All the Money

Hamilton Nolan · 12/02/11 03:35PM

White guys: will we ever change? We promise, ladies and minorities, we won't! No matter how much the world around us changes, we pledge to always, always, always take most of the money, for ourselves.

The First Victory of the Holiday Viral Video Season

Brian Moylan · 12/02/11 03:25PM

Every year around Christmas you get a lot of people trying to make a YouTube clip that everyone is going to post on their Facebook wall. Here are two manic dancers who are trying to "Single Ladies" their way into your heart with a Christmas song. It's going to work.

Don't Hotbox Your Car if Your Two-Year-Old Is in the Backseat

Max Read · 12/02/11 02:53PM

There are a lot of parenting books out there, but not all of them answer the very pertinent question, "Is it okay to hotbox my car with my two-year-old son in the backseat?" So allow us to answer: No. No, it is not okay.

D.C.'s Free Newspaper Has a Dirty, Unfortunate Headline

Brian Moylan · 12/02/11 02:15PM

Imagine waking up in D.C. this morning and having to muddle your way to the Metro (it's what they call the subway) and go to your government job. Yeah, that totally sucks. Then when you get to the subway you grab a free copy of The Examiner, the Capitol's free commuter newspaper, and it has this headline. Your day just got a little awesomer!

Scientists Confirm the Internet is Huge Waste of Time

Max Read · 12/02/11 01:10PM

The internet—a series of tubes functioning as a miraculous fusion of the Library of Alexandria, the Grand Bazaar of Istanbul, the Agora of Athens, and Times Square circa 1986—is arguably mankind's greatest achievement. Fittingly, Americans mostly use it to waste time.

News Anchor Brutally Destroys Santa Myth for Chicago Kids

Adrian Chen · 12/02/11 12:59PM

The feel-good story of the Christmas season: A news anchor in Chicago went on a rant about how Santa isn't real during her 9:00pm broadcast, brutally destroying the innocence of thousands of young Midwesteners.

We Need a New Word for 'Fag Hag'

Brian Moylan · 12/02/11 12:49PM

The collective gay hive mind has given all sorts of crap to people who use the f-word (as in "fag"), like Brett Ratner and Kobe Bryant, but even gay men walk around calling our closest female friends "fag hags." Well, it's time for an alternative.

Scarlett Johansson and Blake Lively Are Having a Hot Blonde Catfight

Maureen O'Connor · 12/02/11 11:31AM

Scarlett hates Blake for monopolizing Ryan Reynolds. Brad Pitt counsels a suicidal actor. Kourtney Kardashian isn't getting married. Tareq Salahi wants to canoodle Kate Gosselin. Friday gossip stands in a circle and chants "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

There Is Absolutely No Stopping the Happy Meal

Brian Moylan · 12/02/11 10:50AM

Ban happy nanny state San Francisco thought they could get rid of the Happy Meal by passing a law that says meals that don't pass certain nutritional standards can't be marketed to children or give away free toys. Please. There is no stopping corporate giant McDonald's.

Only Dumb Kids Can Make Smoking Popular Again

Hamilton Nolan · 12/02/11 09:53AM

Looking for more proof that America's overall masculinity level is now somewhere down around Switzerland's panty line, these days? Fewer than one in five Americans now are smokers. Including girls, even. How can we fix this? One tobacco company has an idea: "cigarettes." The cigars of a new generation!

Which Actress Doesn't Know Who Is the Father of Her Baby?

Brian Moylan · 12/02/11 09:37AM

This actress is waiting to announce she's pregnant until she figures out who the daddy is. This reality star is trying to discredit a blogger for writing about her dirty past, this reality star likes her images Photoshopped, and this actor is cheating on his wife. Could he be the babydaddy?