Scientists Confirm the Internet is Huge Waste of Time
The internet—a series of tubes functioning as a miraculous fusion of the Library of Alexandria, the Grand Bazaar of Istanbul, the Agora of Athens, and Times Square circa 1986—is arguably mankind's greatest achievement. Fittingly, Americans mostly use it to waste time.
Scientists, doing as usual the important work of telling everyone what they already know, have discovered that a majority of 18 to 29 year olds who go online on any given day are just fucking around:
The report from the Pew Research Center's Internet & American Life Project found that on any given day, 53 percent of 18 to 29 year-olds go online just to have fun or pass time.
That should explain all those kitten videos.
The report finds that the amount of time people spend tooling around on the Web doing nothing corresponds with age. Only 12 percent of people over 65 say they went online the previous day for no particular reason. Of those aged 50 to 64, the study found 27 percent answered yes to the same question.
Even assuming that many of those people are lying because the real reason was "porn," it seems clear that Americans are not using the internet for any of the important, productive things that make it such a landmark, but rather to fuck around until their Hungry Man dinners finish microwaving. Of internet-using adults, almost three-quarters use the web for no real reason. And why not? It's basically the same reason we all get up in the morning, and go to our jobs, and continue living. "No real reason": it's the American way!
