The journal Astrobiology has published a paper by some Australian National University scientists who assert that "large regions" of Mars could support "Earth-like microbes." That's us! We'll just have to live below the planet's surface so we don't freeze to death or dehydrate.

Although virtually every big newspaper company has suffered major layoffs, declining stock prices, and general existential malaise for the past several years, the last one to actually declare bankruptcy was Tribune Co., which was actively destroyed by a gnomish billionaire's arrogance and incompetence. Well, good news, Tribune: you have company!

Vocal fry: It's not screaming when you burn yourself while cooking bacon. It's how all the coolest young women are talking! Get on board with the glottal sound of the future.

Germany—and, more importantly, Germany's Christmas spirit—is under attack by a man who dresses like Santa, but is, in fact—you guessed it—a Grinch. Of roofies.

These two actresses both have Oscar buzz for the same category, but few are buzzing about their secret lesbian relationship. Which reality star has offered to carry a baby for her famous infertile sister? Today's blind items are all about girl power.

Well, if there was ever a family that looked like creepy right-wing North Dakota survivalists who had to be surveilled by Air Force drones because they refused to let cops onto their land after stealing a neighbor's cows, it's the Brussarts of Nelson County (as you can see above). And wouldn't you know! That's exactly what they are, allegedly!

While campaigning in Iowa, secessionist prime minister of Texas Rick Perry leaked some classified intelligence when he told his audience of hecklers and hog farmers that, for an unknown period of time, the U.S. has been secretly funding "the country Solynda."

Political blogger Ben Smith's career is a series of progressively wackier job moves. He was at the NY Daily News, covering state politics, and was more respected than the average tabloid writer. He moved to THE POLITICO, where he's been blogging about politics and media for the past five years, managing to stay more respected (by us!) than his micro-horse-race-obsessed paper as a whole. Now, he's off to an even weirder destination!

Here's an instructional video on what not to do while riding the Scottish rails without a ticket: i.e., swear at the ticket collector, refuse to budge from your seat, and hold up the train while in the presence of The Big Man, Scotland's newest public transportation-oriented superhero-vigilante. The Big Man's simple solution for dealing with such problem behavior involves eliminating the source by using brute force.

Sunday night's episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York featured a discussion between Kim Kardashian and her neanderthal then-husband Kris Humphries about having kids, which they ultimately decide to do. Right away!

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

For a country led into ruin by a fuckhappy Oompa Loompa, Italy has its fair share of hangups when it comes to sex. One such instance is currently splashed across that country's headlines, for the way that it led to a Gypsy shanty town being burned to the ground.

Imagine scanning the obituary section of your local paper, only to be shocked and saddened to see the name of a friend, relative or neighbor listed there — someone who seemed in perfect health the last time you spoke to them. Now imagine calling the grieving family to offer your condolences, only to have the recently departed answer the phone with a cheery, "Hello!...Whaaat? No, of course I'm not dead, Shirl. Whatever would have given you that idea?"

MVRDV, the Rotterdam-based architectural firm that caused an uproar last week when they unveiled plans for a building that reminded a lot of people of 9/11, would like it very much if you would stop calling their offices and threatening their lives, please. Well, not you per se — because you presumably do not breathe exclusively through your mouth and have a "United We Stand" tattoo etched across your torso — but whoever has been leaving those kinds of messages, kindly stop.

This animated short was supposed to debut tomorrow night on the holiday edition of Anthony Bourdain's Travel Channel show, No Reservations. But when executives got a look at Bourdain's take on the Austrian legend of Krampus, they quickly pulled the plug. Apparently, they felt the world was not quite ready for a stop-motion retelling of Santa's "whip-toting sidekick" who "whips and licks naughty children" with his 12-inch tongue then "carries them off in his sack" — a source tells us they cited sensitivities regarding the Penn State scandal when delivering Bourdain the disappointing news. (The leering portrait of the Pope in the background probably didn't help matters, either.)

Poor middle-aged six-figure recruitment executive Gary Chaplin was only trying to be helpful and honest when he told a prospective job seeker via email to "fuck off" for being "too stupid to get a job, even in banking." Unfortunately, the 4,000 other people he sent the email to by accident didn't appreciate his candor.

Here's one way to avoid being imprisoned for life on a felony charge: Try to be in jail on a less-serious misdemeanor charge at the same time that the felony crime occurs. This strategy worked for LaDondrell Montgomery, whose armed robbery conviction was just overturned by a Harris County, Texas judge.

Disappointing(ly) naked person Lindsay Lohan and her shapeshifting sister Aliana have been vacationing in Hawaii this weekend to escape from their life burdens. Of course, Lindsay encountered her nemesis, The Wicked Dr. Drama, while standing in line for another non-alcoholic pineapple drink and this produced consequences, which subsequently transformed into strange gossip news.

Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno just fractured his pelvis for the second time. He'll be spared surgery, but will still have to continue living life as Joe Paterno: America's cancer-having*, idiot riot-inspiring, Presidential Medal of Freedom-less, buffed off, soon-to-be-trashed child rapist-protector. In central Pennsylvania. Where nothing cool happens, except miracle-of-lifey cow births and ice cream parties.

Liquory tooth-brushing trademark litigant Ke$ha has contributed a version of Bob Dylan's "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right" to an upcoming Amnesty International compilation of 76 Dylan covers. The results—a raw, snotty-nosed Ke$ha baring her glittery soul for the world—might surprise you.