Lo, white male computer nerds have discovered political injustice! And since it's crushing their dreams of becoming internet billionaires, they're actually doing something about it, on a site called "I Work for the Internet." It's adorable and depressing at the same time.

A report in the NY Post says the city's Parks Department has issued 113 summonses between January and November to people they've caught drinking alcohol on the High Line, the mile-long public park installed in an abandoned, elevated freight railroad that runs along Manhattan's west side. That's by far the most tickets of any park in the five boroughs.

Nate Berkus — the window-treatmenting savante crafted out of a spare Ugg boot by the Great Goddess Oprah herself — is having a bad week. Harpo and Sony TV have confirmed that The Nate Berkus Show will cease production after two snore-inducing seasons of tween bedroom renovations and dollar-store fashion shows for unfabulous women.

You know how you spend every minute of your waking life desperately afraid that you will be found out as a laughable fraud and all your accomplishments discovered to be built on a foundation of luck and lies? Well! As it turns out, even babies can tell how unbelievably full of shit you are.

First Sarah Palin had her moment in the sun. Then Bristol did. Now it's Todd's turn: The Hollywood Reporter reports that the Palins are shopping yet another reality show, this time about Todd's "career as a championship snowmobile racer." Too bad nobody wants it.

Thousands of Verizon customers across New Jersey received a terrifying text at 12:26 p.m. today from the National Emergency Alert System — an "extreme alert" message that led them to think the country was under attack.

The FBI has files from a phone-monitoring company whose notorious software was on iPhones, Android phones, Nokias and BlackBerries. But since the files are being used "for law enforcement purposes," the feds won't talk about their contents. So you can't know what secrets the feds have gleaned from your phone, because that's a secret.

The junior high school students who run the Fox News Charts Shop during detention have produced this latest visual explosion showcasing the unemployment rate's fluctuations under our current president, Obama. Some interesting findings here, specifically that the number 8.6 is the same thing as the number 9.0. If Obama can just get the unemployment rate down from 8.6% to 8.8% or 8.9%, then he'll be in the clear.

Seems like it was only last week when we decided that we needed to come up with a new word for "bro." What a journey it's been.

Fat dick and Fox News chief Roger Ailes is shopping a memoir, New York's Gabriel Sherman reports. It looks like the man who devoted his life to building a multibillion-dollar platform from which to attack his political and personal enemies wants to sum it all up in a book attacking his political and personal enemies.

Ron Paul's got it made. While Mitt Romney is struggling to save his pretty-boy campaign, and Newt Gingrich is trying to clarify what "going negative" means, Paul is releasing these long, futuristic ads beating the dickens out of everyone (in this case, Gingrich).

Newsweek, the nation's premiere publisher of fan fiction, has followed up its charmingly hideous "What if Diana Were Alive?" cover story with a brand new exploration of hypotheticals: What will Barack Obama do if he loses, and also, what will he look like? Alas: this one doesn't go far enough. We have some ideas, though!

If all news is local, then why aren't all videogames? That seems to be the premise behind Google Shoot View, an incredibly simple new "game" from a Dutch advertising firm. It's your chance to take a fully automatic weapon to an address of your choosing.

Kelly Evans is a financial columnist for the Wall Street Journal. Unlike most columnists, she arrives at work at 6:45 a.m. That's because Kelly Evans has a second job: she's the co-anchor for the Journal's 8:30 a.m. video newscast, the "News Hub," which plays on the WSJ's homepage just as thousands upon thousands of readers are reading their morning financial news. How many of those traders and brokers and analysts and corporate office drones have fallen in love?

Great strides in the field of anthropomorphically amusing animals: Among 208 new species discovered in the Mekong River region of Southeast Asia is an "Elvis monkey" that "looks like it wears a pompadour." The Elvis monkey has no nose (Michael Jackson monkey?) and lives in the Himalayan forests of Myanmar, a World Wildlife Fund report explains:

Oh Christ, someone on Team Romney is going to get fired today: Poor old Mittens was forced to talk to a human, one-on-one, with cameras rolling. And not just any human, but a gay one. Who was a veteran. In Vietnam. Which was a war. And so on. Yikes.

Horrible person Andrew Breitbart is fighting (again) with horrible person Glenn Beck, and while we know we should be feeling that soft warm joy that comes when two horrible people are engaged in a dispute, secretly we are sort of sad: we agree with Glenn Beck!

Just as Newt Gingrich was rising to his spot as the nearly prohibitive favorite to win the Republican presidential nomination, he made a pledge not to "go negative" on his political opponents. Or, in cocksure Newt-speak: "They're not going to be the nominee. I don't have to go around and point out the inconsistencies of people who aren't going to be the nominee. They're not going to be the nominee." But guess who's pointing out his opponents' "inconsistencies today, and always, very negatively? This is the worst pledge ever.

BNY Mellon is the investment bank that used Occupy Wall Street in a hilarious gag at a financial comedy (?) night last month. Bet they cackled all the way to the courthouse in Pittsburgh, where they filed a lawsuit to evict Occupy Pittsburgh from the park they've been camping out in for the past two weeks.

An ironclad rule of hipness is that if you're looking for hipness, the best place to start your search is within the paragraphs of a newspaper article with the word "Hip" featured prominently in the headline. Mainstream newspaper stories explaining phenomena deemed "Hip" by mainstream newspaper editors: where hipness lives.