exercise

Stretching: Useless As Well As Ridiculous-Looking

Hamilton Nolan · 11/16/11 05:05PM

Bone shaving! Mud runs! Tinsel Korey! Workout faux-pas! Terry's fitness! Stretching controversy! Boxing trainers! Exercise strategy! And the last overtraining question you'll ever need to ask! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—dynamically!

The Calorie-Burning Underwear of Japan

Maureen O'Connor · 11/14/11 02:22PM

Today's entry in the mesmerizing Asian infomercial arms race: Calorie Shaper, a special Japanese underwear built with a "honeycomb spring" that supposedly helps the wearer burn calories while performing everyday tasks, like walking to the bus stop and performing choreographed dance routines in the office.

Drugs Linked to Sex, More Drugs, Then More Sex

Hamilton Nolan · 11/09/11 04:13PM

Sodium diet! Obesity drug! Autism brain! Sickness debt! Exercise aging! Digestion difficulty! Drug sex! Fruit interactions! And a stern reminder to never trust those "doctors!" It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with malice!

Michelle Obama Engulfed by Seething Horde of Children

Hamilton Nolan · 10/12/11 09:00AM

As long as we allow her husband to occupy the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama is determined to continue her dangerous crusade to get America's kids in shape. Who is that lady to tell my baby he ain't eating right?

Ellen DeGeneres Uses Tonight Show Appearance to Squeeze in a Workout

Matt Cherette · 09/14/11 02:09AM

Face down, ass up and armed with two big fists on Tuesday's Tonight Show, self-described "wrecking machine" Ellen DeGeneres revealed—and then demonstrated—exactly how she likes to do it as Jay Leno leered over her, stroking his big, long chin in anticipation of... wait, what? Ew, you sicko, I'm talking about push-ups! Now get your mind out of the gutter and watch the video.

College Deputizes Dorks to Harass Innocent Smokers

Hamilton Nolan · 08/31/11 04:17PM

Depressercise! Eczema breasts! Sugar drinks! Dead babies! College smoking! Porn hiatus! Bird flu! Fat science! And all your tense sleep is making you tense, and sleepy! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—invasively!

Your Pretty Hair Is Making You Fat

Hamilton Nolan · 08/31/11 09:14AM

We well-meaning men have been trying to tell you this for years, ladies: your fancy hairdo is dumb. And it sucks up time that could be better spent on other things like, I don't know, just to pick an example out of thin air... doing some exercise to get yourself in shape, for once.

Yoga Morons Pose All Over NYC Subway Car, Make Homeless 'Joke'

Lauri Apple · 08/27/11 11:45AM

Yoga is a beautiful, ancient tradition that helpfully reduces stress and probably benefits your internal organs and soul and whatever else people are made out of. Unfortunately, Lululemonheads like these two have ruined it for the next several decades.

America Takes Too Many Bites

Hamilton Nolan · 08/22/11 04:40PM

Preaching fit! Ninja warriors! Muscle cream! Bulletproof skin! Bite counters! Vanity benefits! Meditation strength! Novak Djokovic! And the stunning origin of the TRX workout trend! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—bitingly!

Just 15 Minutes of Daily Exercise Can Make You an Old Weakling

Hamilton Nolan · 08/16/11 04:22PM

Menopause things! Cancer secrets! Exercise longevity! Teen sleepers! Prostate genes! Virus superdrug! Healthy obesity! Addiction breakthrough! And Alzheimer's patients demand pancakes! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in an ultimately futile manner!

Mosquitoes Probably Want Their Sperm Back

Hamilton Nolan · 08/09/11 04:52PM

Triathlon danger! Heat death! Twin town! Crazy leaders! Spermless mosquitoes! Teen vaccines! Worthless soy! Old surgery! And the very latest way that you're killing your poor children! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—microscopically!

L.A. Fitness Members Want the Body of an Old Lady

Hamilton Nolan · 08/03/11 03:46PM

Chocolate workout! Smaller gyms! Drummer warrior! Fast pushups! Helen Mirren! Tween athletes! Vegetarian benefits! Heart exercise! And Americans are still fat, all of us! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—plyometrixplosively!

Get Toned and Fit With New Hugo Chavez Workout

Lauri Apple · 07/31/11 05:45PM

Venezuelan leader and Leo Hugo Chavez has been trying to beat The Cancer for a while now, which has led some people to question his ability to run for reelection next year. This exercise propaganda vid should quash their pessimism right quick.

America's Idea of 'Ultimate Fitness System' Is Videogames, Fidgeting

Hamilton Nolan · 06/28/11 05:10PM

Heart exercise! Male infertility! Blood transfusion! Belly fat! Boomer exercise! Smashing drumsticks! Fidget fitness! UFC games! And the Ultimate Fitness System, revealed! It's your Tuesday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—begrudgingly!

Why Is Michelle Obama So Frantically Fit?

Hamilton Nolan · 05/10/11 04:30PM

Best diet! Paul Pierce! Boxy gyms! Gatti movie! NFL workouts! Seniors exercising! Fitness chore! Discrimination tests! Michelle Obama! And the dangers of manhood! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dashingly!