Is teach pale, a beached whale? A new study out of the normally conscientious nation of Canada indicates that assistant professors in that peaceful nation's institutes of higher learning are woefully deficient in the "Fourth R": exercise.

There are ways to summon magical beings: A tooth under the pillow summons the tooth fairy. Clapping saves Tinkerbell. And a gymnasium full of school children line dancing to "Move Your Body" guarantees that Beyoncé shows up. Here's another video of stiletto-clad Beyoncé materializing during a "Move Your Body" workout, this time at P.S. 161 in Harlem. Apparently giving tween girls heart attacks is part of Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign? Although these girls are actually pretty blasé. I can't decide if they knew that Beyoncé was coming, or were just like, "Oh, like the viral video. Duh."

Snooki is known for eating fried pickles and drinking sugary cocktails that come in glasses larger than her head—including the pouf (RIP)! Now we hear that she's on a diet to slim down for the next season of Jersey Shore. Say what?

Cookie monsters! Fewer french fries! Cancer exercise! Lo-carb crapola! Dumb dieters! Daniel Baldwin's workout! Grip strength! Dip belts! Inspirational marathoners! And a NYSC dance instructor must be rehired at once! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—feverishly!

Today we debated what the single best exercise really is. The New York Times says brisk walking, which is silly. We say: squats. All the squats you can do. But be careful, one commenter warns!

Never, ever, take fitness advice from the New York Times. We've made this point before. They're always spouting off about getting "thin" with some sort of limp-wristed jogging workout. In neon shorts. In Central Park. When you're not skiing, in Aspen, and then reading the New York Times by a roaring fire, in a resort, sipping on probably some nice Earl Grey, not even thinking about Muscle Milk at all.

Dog fitness coaches! Firefighter fitness plan! Hoosier fitness shame! Rihanna fitness secrets! Republican fitness DVD! Bachelor fitness freak! And aerobic fitness sham! It's your Wednesday fitness watch, where we watch your fitness—until we vomit with pride!

GMA host Robin Roberts and fitness expert Becky Worley grade some of the latest infomercial exercise equipment (Zumba came out on top with an A-). Watch Roberts don her special shiny exercise leggings to try out the goods.

How do the GOP's hot studs in the House get psyched for their days of killer budget cuts and rape redefining? We'd always assumed cocaine! And maybe that's still true. But mostly it's this set of XTREME infomercial workout DVDs that they love.

Will running kill you, as you always suspected, and as you vocally informed your mom and dad and P.E. coach and personal trainer and random passersby at the gym and the park and on the subway? Yes. Yes it will.

Hormone diets! Slow eating! Teen dying! Teen drinking! Greek eating! Urethra growing! Big loser-ing! Cartoon food! And incompetent old people driving around dangerously! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—unconventionally!

Natalie Portman's bones look amazing in Black Swan, right? So maybe being a vegan and going to ballet class will make you look like her, right? Wrong!

Woman smells! Animal behavior! Old people brains! STD testing! Allergies forever! Oil cleanup health! Fat dogs! Fat surgery! From death to business! And other conventional wisdom! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with ulterior motives!

Runner's high! Job vs. health! Sex vs. skinny! Cola cancer! Dwarf salvation! Crib mishaps! Geographic exercise aversion! Smoke-free hotels! And lap bands for the rest of us! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch health—while choosing, poorly!

Oh my god, it says here that yoga is the new golf! You have to do it with your bosses to move up the corporate ladder, and that's coming from a lady who "advises the 'top 0.5 percent' of companies worldwide!" Yoga's out of control—more! Nothing will ever be the same!

According to the New York Times, the hot new exercise trend is... standing on a jiggling platform. Apparently standing on a specially-designed vibrating platform may increase strength and stamina for short periods of times. From the Times:

Breast cancer shocker! Gum healthiness! Lonely exercising! Teen girl suicide! Young strokes! Egg cholesterol! Diet soda heart attack! Baby obesity! And L.A.'s official guide to ecstasy! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while rolling, in the official style!

On Saturday, 49-year-old Belgian runner Stefaan Engels completed his 365th marathon. In a row. That's 9,569 miles in seven different countries, averaging about four hours a marathon. Dude: There are easier ways to get book deals.

Today's View had Sherri trying out an exercise called the "superman banana." If you think it sounds crazy, wait until you see the faces she makes while doing it.

PGA Golfer Ben Crane shows us an expected sense of humor in this workout video, featuring him falling off of rubber balls and hitting things with styrofoam. Did I mention he's sporting a helmet to do step aerobics?