Solving America's Greatest Problem: Sweating Too Much at Spin Class
Of all the things that are wrong with our country today, finally we have a solution for one of them. Yes, rich people are sweating so much at their $30 an hour spin classes that they are actually ruining the bikes. We need new bikes!
Yes, we're a can-do country, and now we're helping all of our fat asses have indestructible bikes. Perspiration is causing bikes to rust, seats to become waterlogged, and wiring to short circuit. It's a shock no one has been electrocuted while being screamed at to "PUSH IT!!!!" while a Lady Gaga extended dance remix blares out of the speakers and you stare into the undulating rump of a woman who should be wearing a pair of workout pants that are one size larger.
This is the innovation that will fuel our economy, people. Just decades ago we got to the moon and now both Flywheel and SoulCycle, two burgeoning spin studio franchises, are introducing sweat-resistant bikes. This will save America. The Flywheel bike features "The handlebars are sleeker. The seat is easier to adjust. The metals are 'marine-grade, saltwater-proof,' says co-founder Jay Galluzzo." That means you can even ride one on your yacht!
The bikes also feature water-proof data gathering equipment so everyone in class will see how fast your biking, how hard you're working, and just how dedicated you are to riding a bicycle to nowhere. While some can't even afford a gym membership, those who are really lucky can buy one of these robot bikes from the future for their home for $1500. The sweat resistant carpeting to go under it, or a cleaning lady to mop up the puddles not included.
