Why Is Michelle Obama So Frantically Fit?

26.17K

Hamilton Nolan

05/10/11 04:30PM

Filed to: Fitness Watch

Best diet! Paul Pierce! Boxy gyms! Gatti movie! NFL workouts! Seniors exercising! Fitness chore! Discrimination tests! Michelle Obama! And the dangers of manhood! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dashingly!

Which is better, Jenny Craig or those other diets? Well the tests are in, and the answer is: Jenny Craig. The longer answer is, get off that "Cookie n Lard" diet.
Paul Pierce has lots of things to say about how to work out. Hey Paul Pierce, do you have a "Celtics suck" workout? No? I know who does, though: The Knicks. Not this year though. But Celtics do suck though. Even if the Knicks do too. Shut up Paul Pierce. Celtics are so wack.
"How to find a boxing gym for your child." First, smack them around a lot. Then drink a beer.
Speaking of that, there is a new documentary about Arturo Gatti, a boxer who was very physically fit except for the brain part of him.
The NFL is having big time labor troubles so the players are now having workouts led by the players themselves. How is that going? "A disaster." Well, don't let the punter lead the workout! Cause punters are the weakest football players. (Except for their legs, so they can lead the leg workouts, but not the remainder of the workouts, would be my suggestion.) Let's not discriminate against punters though, this is a team.
Seniors are "exercising"—their right to a better, more youthful life, that is! As far as actual exercising, they're not doing much of that.
How do you make physical fitness a choice, not a chore? First you take it off the "chore board" in the kitchen.
A court's ruled that 100 women who wanted to be prison guards in Connecticut were "subjected to a discriminatory physical fitness test" consisting of 25 penis push-ups.
Michelle Obama is always running around like a mad woman and blaming it on some "fitness event." What are you really running from, Michelle? Run into my arms, and tell me, softly.
What is the biggest risk factor for early death in this day and age? Being a man. Specifically, being a man that the commander-in-chief's wife has a secret crush on. But hey; that's just part of being a man. I don't sweat it. (Or do I?)

[Photo: AP]

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Satisfaction Guaranteed 05/10/11 05:12PM

Obama better watch his woman.

The only reason a married woman with kids would be so obsessed with fitness and appearance is if she is looking to find herself a new man which is what Michelle is obviously doing.

In fact there was a blind item in the Washington Post suggesting that Michelle had a secret late afternoon lunch date with Congressman Aaron Schock (Mister Six Pack). Sounds like a love connection to me. And their lunch date was in the public dining room of the Hecht's Department Store in downtown D.C. just a few blocks from the White House. That is some pretty crazy shit. Like she wanted to be found out.

I never thought Michelle carred much for Barry. It must be pretty disgusting looking at Barry's man boobs every time he takes off his shirt. And why can't he cough up some cash to buy a bottle of Just for Men? I seriously doubt Michell is the one in seven woman who prefers the gray look.

Michelle deserves a real man for sure. And with that smoking hot bod she's gonna get one.

She just gotta have it and she is gonna get it.

________ 05/10/11 05:14PM

Yes because clearly the only reason someone would stay in shape is to cheat on their spouse.

Bellyboop 05/10/11 05:17PM

Yeah - like flabby arms and a belly that makes your jeans feel like sausage casing makes you feel so good about yourself. Not to mention the inner thigh chafing. That hussy!

bittersweetlily 05/10/11 05:21PM

This is missing the sarcasm tag, right? Because, otherwise... What?

Some people like to work out. Crazy, I know. I workout regularly. Who knew I was emitting some sort of signal telling all males in the area that I'm in cheating mode.

________ 05/10/11 05:24PM

The Hecht's department store chain shut down in 2006—five years ago—before Obama was president or Schock was in congress so either that is a really old blind item from the Washington Post or you are a liar. I suspect the latter and not the former cause I googled the Washington Post and I didnt find anything.

Plus if Michelle is hitting on Schock she is barking up the wrong tree. She'd have better luck with Lindsay Graham.

catpeople 05/10/11 05:38PM

Mmmmmm....The only First Lady who could moonlight as a Fly Girl.

America- fuck yeah.

Armauld 05/10/11 06:32PM

I sincerely doubt that one percent of Americans could identify another of the world's "first ladies", so there very well may be many other fly girls out there (I suggest you check out Carla Bruni as just one example).

America - fuck yeah (we're the best as long as no one else is allowed to compete)!

rockyblock 05/10/11 07:46PM

@catpeople: Eat your mafuckin' heart out JLo!

sui_generis 05/11/11 08:49AM

I interpreted the comment as one regarding American First Ladies — historically — not throughout the world. After all, in other countries, some of the spouses aren't ladies, because the office-holder is...

Armauld 05/11/11 10:40AM

Initially I interpreted it that way too until I got to the "America - Fuck Yeah" part. To me it doesn't make sense that someone would say, "America -Fuck yeah" when they're saying that every other first lady in history wouldn't be able to be a fly girl.

I'm also aware that there are several female world leaders out there, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that not one of their husbands will ever make it as a Fly Girl. Find a new dream first husbands of the world.

clevername@hadto 05/11/11 07:38AM

Never trade and pay 20 milly a year for a dude nicknamed 'Melo'. Now Vociferous Anthony...holy shit I just stumbled upon the world's greatest name!

philaDLJ 05/11/11 10:24AM

Actually, his son's names are Rolo, Heath, Skor, and Twix.

clevername@hadto 05/11/11 11:43AM

In a pefect world, yeah. A. Perfect World B. Free?

mrswillclark 05/10/11 05:00PM

Isn't it easier to just accept that working out is a chore you have to do than to try to convince yourself it is something you want to do?

other_asian 05/10/11 07:47PM

I only feel good when I'm done because, well, it's over! I do think it's a chore, but I want the desired results, so I do it. :-/

mrswillclark 05/10/11 08:24PM

Exactly how I feel! I like being done working out. I don't like working out.

other_asian 05/10/11 08:29PM

If it wasn't for iPods keeping me somewhat entertained, I'd probably be 300 lbs.

mrswillclark 05/10/11 10:11PM

This is why I resent J Timberlake not recording a new album.