Last night's season premiere of Entourage brought the giddy hope that the conspicuously porking-free pay-cable series might finally cast aside its troubling modesty and let its boots-knocking-freak-flag fly, treating us to the kinds of hott, nonpenetrative action that is the right of all HBO subscribers. Alas, even in an episode featuring an ocean liner stocked with enough groupies and nymphomaniac Victoria's Secret models to kill even the most priapic, Hefner-level satyr, there was nary an ugly being bumped, on-screen or off, forcing us to once again repeat the LAT's recent question, "Are you really going to make us switch over to Cinemax to see some fucking, guys?" In an interview with TV Week.com, creator Doug Ellin explains his "tell, don't show" philosophy concerning his characters' ostensibly busy fuck-lives:

• Cotton Candy Fight (from Sons Of Hollywood) [YouTube]

As you may have gleaned from the sudden proliferation of stories about why Entourage feels so real (hint: they go to actual restaurants frequented by the kinds of people the show lightly satirizes!) or taking deeper looks into the series' puzzling self-censorship, the show's fourth season premiere finally arrives this Sunday, just in time to provide agents running out of abusive material with fresh insults to hurl at their homosexual assistants. The NY Times reviews the upcoming episodes, in which Entourage's exploration of the homoerotic undercurrent of its characters' emotionally complex bro-on-bro love seems even more pronounced than in previous seasons:

Today's LAT continues its ongoing mission of digging beneath the surface of HBO's popular, softcore Hollywood-lifestyle-porn series Entourage by posing the kinds of probing questions that expose the dramatic Truth obscured by its glitter-speckled veneer, asking, "Hey, for a show in which the main characters do little besides chase tail, why don't we see some fucking?"

· After stumbling upon some screeners for its new season, Var's Peter Bart finally discovers The Entourage, which he believes pampers Hollywood's sexy underbelly but neglects the stepchildren. [Variety]
· Starz is suing Disney because it believes that offering its movies for download at places like iTunes and WalMart.com violates their distribution rights, an internet-related legal action that refreshingly does not involve YouTube. (We think?) [THR]
· In a development that all entertainment news outlets will be contractually obligated to refer to as a "Titanic Reunion," Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio will star in a Sam Mendes-directed DreamWorks adaptation of Revolutionary Road, the grandaddy of all suburban angst novels. [Variety]
· While pitching media buyers on his ongoing turnaround plan for his fourth-place network, NBC president Kevin Reilly expresses hope that beloved-but-low-rated series Friday Night Lights and 30 Rock will evolve into this generation's St. Elsewhere and Cheers. However, he had no historical comparison for breakout hit Deal or No Deal, as the brain-smoothing innovations of reality television had not yet arrived to make viewers stupid enough to watch people shouting at briefcases back in the 80s. [THR]
· Grey's Anatomy is still huge on Thursday nights, while Are You Dumber Than This 10-Year-Old We Plucked From A Special-Ed Class? seems to be sliding in popularity. [Variety]

In this magical, DVR-enabled era in which we live, viewers need only press a button to confirm that the tussled blonde extra they spotted on a repeat airing of Entourage was, in fact, a central player in the Anna Nicole Smith saga: Larry Birkhead. Radar Online posts a screencap of Birkhead's turn as an Ari Gold underling, assigned to the challenging task of reigniting former Viking Quest star Johnny Chase's flagging career. How Birkhead, whose occupation is usually referred to as photographer, wound up cast as an expendable AMA redshirt is anyone's guess: As Radar points out, his name doesn't appear anywhere on IMDB (which could change just as soon as the MOW conveyor belt starts pooping out Anna Nicole miniseries), and his page on Studio System lists precisely zero credits. Regardless, the mere involvement of a leading paternity candidate instantly throws a new light on the industry-satirizing series, making us wonder if other Entourage bit players—from Paul Haggis to Peter Dinklage to Seth Green—might also be worthy of consideration in the Dannielynn Smith Genetic Sweepstakes.

· Entourage's Lloyd, perhaps television's most visible victim of workplace homophobia, takes a shot at Isaiah Washington.
· Paul Rudd on the practice of donating Sundance swag to charity: "I actually don't believe in charity. By working hard and entertaining the world, I think I deserve a cashmere stereo." We kind of wish he wasn't kidding—he really does deserve to take that cashmere stereo back home with him.
· TMZ blows the lid off the parking ticket Brandy received two months after her involvement in a fatal car crash.
· Here's a headline in our feed reader we didn't bother exploring further: Garner tells how ring fell into a drain. Do let us know how it turned out for her.
· Jennifer Aniston's septum re-undeviated.

It seems Christmas parties have finally gone the way of the Bar and Bat Mitzvah, as what were once modest eggnog-and-fruitcake-imbibing gatherings are now over-the-top extravaganzas, desperate to one-up each other with hunky Santa waiters, chestnut-roasting stations, hot-toddy-spewing volcanos, and, for that crowning, seasonal touch, your very own celebrity showing up to mingle with your guests. ABCNews.com explores the increasingly common trend, which will set you back as little as $5,000 for your Potsies or your Klingers, anywhere up to the neighborhood of a cool $100,000 for your marquee names. (That's what they report Drew Carey will be paid to entertain a Houston energy company next week, proving that not even the lessons of Enron can kill that industry's love of a profit-hemmoraghing good time.) But if it's an even bigger star you want, perhaps from a hit TV series still on the air, fret not—even Emmy winners have a price:

Finding that exploring the effect of new wealth on interpersonal relationships through the lens of an up-and-coming Hollywood star with a net worth in the mere seven figures was ultimately insufficient for realizing his lofty sociological mission, Entourage creator Doug Ellin will turn his attention to a more "mature" group of friends who make real, Wall Street money for an HBO pilot. Reports Variety:

Those who find themselves jonesing for the mildly homoerotic lifestyle porn of Entourage during its hiatus might be temporarily sated by the adventures of Group of Guys, the story of F, Theater, and Duck-Billed Platypus, three childhood pals just trying to mooch off mildly successful pal Vincent Pursuit's Smallville cameo. We'd call it a Bizarro version of Hollywood, except that this version of the industry is a lot more true to reality than the one where a doe-eyed Aquaman's hardest decision is whether to hit the bong before or after stopping by Book Soup for a groupie fuck.

High Times' annual Stony Awards might not carry the same patina of prestige of some of the better known industry accolades, but it is the only Hollywood trophy ceremony to recognize excellence in the chemically-induced- paranoia-and-munchies screen arts, thus making its nominations announcement a noteworthy event. Among the many deserving performances singled out for achievement in stoner "acting" this year was Luke Wilson's tour-de-force turn in The Family Stone, for which he was required to get baked enough to convincingly find Sarah Jessica Parker hot. Other nominees included:

Highly eligible local bachelor Robert Evans is reportedly not pleased with Hollywood's weekly Narcissine gaze into show business' murky waters, Entourage. Having been approached to play a jokey version of himself, like so many other behind-the-scenes luminaries have done already, the immaculately becoiffed superproducer politely turned them down. As a consolation prize, he offered full access to shoot in his multi-waterbedroom manse. But then he got a look at the final product—particularly the aging, buffoon producer played by Martin Landau:

• We told you about the stellar job Martin Landau was doing on Entourage, and we're not the only ones noticing. Old-school producer Bob Evans is pissed at seeing himself being played so well. [Gatecrasher]
• After modeling underwear for years, and fortifying his thespian resume by playing a well-endowed pornstar, Marky Mark (that's still how we remember you) is delighted about an opportunity to showcase his privates for children. [Lowdown, 2nd item]
• Mariah says, "I AM not a diva!" We say, "Errr, then why did you do that VH1 Divas Live concert back in the days?" [Liz Smith]
• Simple Life V? Ugh. We're not watching, but perhaps they should team up with Survivor, both shows seem familiar with riding a dead horse into the ground. [TMZ]

The Tristar Autograph Pavillion, at the annual National Sports Collectors Convention in Anaheim last week, was a temple to stars so over, they wouldn't even score a bunk on The Surreal Life. (But who were happy to exchange a personalized headshot in exchange for a couple bucks towards that month's rent.) According to FishbowlLA, however, tucked in among the usual suspects—your Catherine Bachs and Erin Morans, your Jeff Conaways and Ruth Buzzis—were two actors getting a head start cashing in on their has-been status:

When an actor facing his sixties decides it's time to accessorize his midlife-crisis Lamborghini and neck-wattle reduction surgeries with some decades-younger arm candy, he probably knows that Hollywood's time-honored, sex-for-exposure trade is going to involve the occasional bout of immaturity. Today's NY Daily News Gatecrasher column reports on the tragic end of James Woods' May 1986-December 1947 romance with aspiring actress/opportunistic gerontophiliac Ashley Madison (aka Myrick), precipitated by the 20-year-old's insensitivity at the, like , totally boring funeral of her daddy issue's beloved brother:

The Gays, if not the fundamental fabric of show business, are at the very least its highly ornamental stitching. So it should come as no surprise that Entourage, Hollywood's weekly, 30-minute glance at its own magnificent reflection, gets a great deal of mileage out of the constant, uncomfortable rubbing up of straight and gay cultures throughout the industry. Usually, that comes in one of two ways: 1) watching resident Gay eunuch Lloyd absorb yet another round of shells fired from Ari Gold's semi-automatic mouth, or 2) scenarios, such as last week's plot in which Johnny Drama showed way too much interest in his favorite masseur, which explore the comic possibilities that emerge when a rigidly hetero male is mistaken for/unwittingly acts like—mercy—a Gay. But PlanetOut.com's Personality Machine thinks we may not be giving the show's writers enough credit, and that the signs have been staring us in the face all along:

We thought we'd be able to get out of our system all of the "absurd Hollywood life imitates semisatirical Hollywood art" observations regarding record-setting fake Entourage blockbuster Aquaman when The WB decided to make a pilot revolving around the second-tier, somewhat super-powered (Happy when wet! Above-average swimmer!) comic book hero. But then that Aquaman pilot became the fastest selling show on iTunes, some studio executives started getting crazy ideas about how the public obviously has an appetite for a character who spends him time chatting with trout, and we have this, as reported in today's LAT:

Fans of Entourage are already more than familiar with the work of Rex Lee, the actor who portrays Lloyd, Ari Gold's much-abused, yet fiercely loyal, assistant. AfterElton.com interviewed the openly gay Lee about the part, and while he promised Lloyd will be on the receiving end of many more flying staplers and almost-too-skillfully-delivered pejorative comments from Jeremy Piven regarding his race and/or sexuality, don't expect the writers to give the long-suffering agent-in-training a sex life any time soon:

Page Six has already beaten us to the Ron Burgundy joke in today's item about a CNBC anchor who mistakenly (and hilariously!) reported that Pirates of the Caribbean 2 shattered™ the box office record of fictional blockbuster Aquaman. Say the Sixies: