· In addition to Barbara Walters' harrowing tale of bathroom stall imprisonment, The View also featured Sarah Silverman's explanation of why she murdered her parents.
· Casey Affleck dashes your Ocean's 14 dreams.
· Once Britney Spears slows the rate of her weekly meltdowns, the glossies can always rely on Jennifer Aniston's lucrative image to move checkout stand product.
· The revived Jericho hopes to feed off the carcass of whatever new CBS series fails first.
· Spoiler alert: Even when it seems like the Chipmunks aren't going to overcome their greatest challenge, career disaster will be averted at the last minute, and they'll share a round of celebratory high-fives while taking in a stunning view of the Los Angeles skyline.

Say what you will about Jeremy Piven, but the dude never fails to make love to each and every camera pointed at him following an Emmy win. [Manolo the Shoeblogger]

The new e-mail newsletter from Esterman Entertainment—the go-to personal appearance agency for when you absolutely, positively have to a former Real World cast member pouring tequila shots at your nightclub's next Wild Wednesday promotion—features the impressive "get" of current Best Supporting Actor Emmy nominee Kevin Dillon, a striking upgrade from the Sunset Tan-quality celebrities usually on offer.

As is their custom in the run-up to various awards ceremonies, Newsweek has once again assembled a panel of nominees to discuss issues important to the modern kudos-hopeful, allowing their guests a rare chance to gather together to discuss their craft and make the occasional comment about the absurdity of introducing the notion of competition into their collaborative art form. In their new Emmy Roundtable piece, they've hoarded Masi Oka of Heroes, Entourage's Jeremy Piven, Brothers & Sisters' Sally Field, and Ugly Betty's America Ferrera for the chat, and it didn't take long for Piven, last year's Best Supporting Actor winner for his portrayal of lovable, Gaysian-haranguing agent Ari Gold, to express his frustration over not having more input into creative decisions that might result in more screentime:

It's a sign of our celebrity-obsessed, privacy-deficient times that an Emmy-winning actor can hardly bicker with his mother over a high-end meal in a sleepy beachside community without word of that testy conversation hitting the gossip rags, as Entourage's Jeremy Piven will discover upon stumbling up the item about his alleged intrafamilial Nobu spat in today's Page Six:

Curbed LA notes a mysterious delivery of multiple hot tubs to Social Hollywood, speculating that their sudden appearance might be a harbinger of one of those charming, "actual famous people go here!" Entourage location shoots. It's certainly a possibility, but another explanation could be that with the recent closure of local soak-and-poke institution Splash, Social's savvy owners might merely be moving to fill the void left by its shuttering by offering a more upscale, fucking-in-a-disease-riddled-crockpot experience to its patrons.

The Emmy announcements are no exception to the time-worn awards show tradition of news outlets eliciting statements from the newly shortlisted artists—asking them, still dizzy from their gold-star high, to try as best as they can to put into words what it feels like to be recognized as more talented than their peers. (Until the night of the ceremony, that is, when four of the five are again reminded of their mediocrity.) We present a round-up of some of the most memorable, "it's just an honor to be mentioned in the same breath as Two and a Half Men" reactions:
· "This is an outrage." - Tina Fey [Variety]
· Nomination presenter Kyra Sedgwick deconstructs the existential dilemma of having to read one's own name off the TelePrompter: "It was pretty nauseating. I couldn't believe they wouldn't tell us before!I just thought, if I won't be nominated, I'll take a deep breath and be grateful I'm there to announce. It was a surprise." [USA Today]

In the latest installment of its penetrating investigative series on the erotic landscape of premium cable's leading brand in the post-Sex-and-the-City era, "HBO: Where's All The Fucking?," a breakthrough: after previously throwing a spotlight on the distressing lack of onscreen coitus in Entourage, the Times now reveals that the network has been secretly devoting all of its ugly-bumping resources to the development of new series Tell Me You Love Me, which promises to entice viewers with levels of pay-TV screwing surpassed only by the raunchiest of expense-account-verboten hotel-room offerings:

The Entourage crew is really committed to the gag that Medellin, star Vinnie Chase's attempt to revive his post-Aquaman career by portraying Pablo Escobar as the Colombian Tony Clifton, is a real movie, establishing a site where you can watch the trailer. Unfortunately, the $30 million that Chase procured to produce his dream project seems to have resulted in a product that will likely be dumped to Showtime following a poor reception at Cannes. [MedellinTheFilm.com]

Among the notables putting in an appearance at Polaroid's Malibu beach house: Lindsay Lohan, Entourage's Kevin Connolly, and at least one former convict not named Paris Hilton. [TSG]

· Madonna demanded that interviewers not break eye contact with her for the duration of their backstage encounter at Live Earth, a measure necessary for her to cast the Kabbalistic mind-control spell that prevents reporters from asking intrusive questions about her disastrous film career or black market orphan purchases. Word has it that the spell takes hold more quickly if her subject inhales the vapors from a candle that smells like God or if he or she can be tricked into touching her red string bracelet.
· Following last night's episode-ending, tranny-junk-dangling freeze frame, Entourage creator Doug Ellin promises the rest of his series will be schlong-free.
· Is this the exact moment that Jason Lee's career began an irreversible downward trajectory? Only time will tell.
· Harry Potter fans really need to just let go.
· Truly, the new generation is high to glue to fuck the type quickly.

With the unbearable sexual tension produced by Ari Gold's brief estrangement from beloved client Vinnie Chase all but dissipated by the pair's speedy reunion last season, we feared that the Entourage team would immediately fall back on its Vince struggles/Vince triumphs/Team Vince high-fives while overlooking stunning Hollywood vista/credits roll formula going into its fourth season. But last night's premiere episode restored our confidence in the writing team's ability to surprise us, taking a bold creative direction by having an increasingly artistically deranged Chase decide to sabotage passion project Medellín by playing bloodthirsty drug dealer Pablo Escobar as a Colombian Tony Clifton, a self-destructive choice that not even trusty sidekick E could talk him out of by reminding him that they're just simple guys from Queens living out their show business dreams.

Hoping to land a coveted Fake Emmy nomination for long-suffering, easily wounded actor Johnny "Drama" Chase, the Entourage team has taken out a For Your Consideration ad in today's Variety for Five Towns, the breakout B-story hit that occasionally distracts viewers from the tiresome on-again, off-again romance between younger brother Vince and cartoonishly foul-mouthed—but secretly tender—lover Ari at the center of the current, disappointing season of the HBO series. To complete the reality-blurring illusion, Chase has also "written" a First Person essay about the emotional brutality of awards season:

After fifteen decreasingly entertaining seasons of Entourage, there is hardly a premium cable subscriber in America unaware that the character of Ari Gold, memorably portrayed by Emmy-winning Matsuhisa pariah Jeremy Piven, was inspired by Endeavor superagent Ari Emanuel. (Fun fact: Gold's "Hug it out, bitch" catchphrase was adapted from Emanuel's far less succinct, "I will fuck your skull until your head explodes, toss your body in a dumpster behind the CPK, then maybe send a nice muffin basket to your widow to show there's no hard feelings.") In today's Gatecrasher column, the NY Daily News' Ben Widdicombe induces an anonymous former Endeavor employee to explain how watching his fictional doppleganger's amusing antics has affected the behavior of the genuine Ari article:

We weren't even going to mention Brett Ratner's appearance on Sunday night's episode of Entourage, so disappointed were we that the lovable, attention-craving fauxteur was unable to live up to the standard of hacky-director-cameo excellence set by Crash's Paul Haggis last season. But today's Gatecrasher column notes that Ratner's gently self-satirizing turn accurately mimics his real-life shoot etiquette (we can't recall the exact wording of his most notable line, but we remember it involved the appreciation of a model's ass), forcing us to revisit our letdown:

The Wall Street Journal notes a growing trend: TV networks are showering free whatnots on bloggers in hopes of favorable coverage. You won't be shocked to learn that, in most cases, it works, although if you're deciding to watch "The New Adventures of Old Christine" because some mommy blog told you to (the article's main example), you probably are shocked. And extremely stupid. One little detail caught our eye though.

· Not only is Sanjaya Malakar bent on destroying American Idol, he's now corrupting Maxim Online's Hot Chick in a Skimpy Outfit of the Day feature. He must be stopped. Vote tonight and end this madness. [via LAist]
· Everything seems great in Jennifer Garner's family life—except, of course, for the small problem of her husband's crack problem: "'You know how as a kid you picture yourself with a tall, handsome husband, and you imagine him cuddling your baby?" she asks. 'Ben is like that, like, on crack.'"
· Fucking-averse HBO series Entourage curiously chooses Ron Jeremy's fuckpad for a location shoot.
· "The floor of the home was covered with a layer of animal feces between 2 and 3 inches deep, authorities said."
· These people are unafraid to ask some uncomfortable questions about the Death Star attack. Charlie Sheen endorsement TK. [via CC Insider]

Today's LAT profiles TV's most celebrated Gaysian (a title he'll hold until the Heroes producers allow that guy who can stop time to teleport himself out of the closet), Entourage's Lloyd (Rex Lee), whose weekly struggles with an abusive boss provide a template for how to suffer through a thankless job with scene-stealing dignity for the entertainment industry's thousands of oppressed assistants. The Times explains how Lee—fun fact: once an assistant himself—has made the role his own, and notes his ascension to icon of the call-rolling class: