Richie Sambora has long struggled with his addictions—themselves a natural response to the stresses of occupying one point on a messy Hollywood love pentagram whose details we can never quite get straight. (We think he was briefly married to David Spade before a bitter divorce led him directly into the arms of the Just Shoot Me star's former BFF, Heather Locklear.) But now, the Bon Jovi guitarist is facing far more serious matters, as Orange County officials are reportedly looking to slap the recently DUI'd Sambora with child endangerment charges:

Call it a curse, call it a lack of fulfilling leisure activities in Hawaii, call it the stress of never getting to speak any of your lines in English—the cast of Lost has claimed yet another DUI:

While we've always envisioned Sweden as an idyllic place where American actors can go to play a few rounds of golf, throw back some cocktails at the 19th Hole, and then take a leisurely, low-speed joyride through the city without being hassled by The Människa, the news that Bill Murray was pulled over in downtown Stockholm on Sunday for suspicion of drunken golf-cart driving has shattered our cherished illusions about the permissiveness of the Scandinavian nation. A spokesman for the Swedish fuzz remarked on Murray's refusal to take a Breathalyzer and about the unknown origin of his slow-moving electric vehicle:

Before Alec Baldwin's Mametian approach to child-rearing went public through a leaked voicemail left for his porcine, etiquette-challenged 11-year-old daughter, Tracy Morgan was the 30 Rock star garnering the most unwelcome headlines for the fledgling sitcom. A DUI arrest last November led to a guilty plea bargain that allowed the comedian to avoid jail time if he agreed to make high school appearances and wear a SCRAM. Sitting down with the AP in anticipation of his upcoming gig hosting Spike TV's Guys Choice Awards, Morgan waxed philosophical about his party-loving demons:

Weary as we are to rouse ourselves out of our long weekend torpor, the call of a scenemonkey starlet's DUI arrest beckons: At approximately 5:30 a.m. Saturday morning, beloved screen icon and local nightlife stall fixture Lindsay Lohan once again found herself involved in a suspicious accident, having crashed her seemingly death proof convertible into a Sunset Blvd. sidewalk. Then, according to a 911 call from an eyewitness, she peeled away from the scene. After inspecting the tires and grille for tell-tale hair, tooth, and camera fragments, police quickly ruled out vehicular paparazzicide, but a search of the car turned up a "'usable amount' of a drug tentatively identified as cocaine." The Georgia Rule star, who only recently endured a supererogatory stay at a local rehab facility, was then arrested at Century City Hospital (where she was being treated for minor injuries), for "investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs." Beleaguered flack Leslie Sloane Zelnik has yet to speak out on the matter, but is undoubtedly at this very moment holed up in an office, blinds drawn and surrounded by a foothill of crumpled paper as she attempts to compose the Statement of Her Career: a 44-word missive squarely placing the blame for her client's pre-21st-birthday rock-bottom moment on the media's nefarious shoulders.

An update on the sad case of Lane Garrison, an actor you likely hadn't heard of until the night he befriended a trio of teenagers and escorted them to a Beverly Hills High School party (just like your own high school parties but with less making out to Duran Duran, and more cocaine and age-inappropriate TV star cameos), resulting in an ill-fated Grey Goose run that killed one and seriously injured two others. Garrison pled guilty today at his arraignment at the Beverly Hills Courthouse:

Paris Hilton may have ridden her personal philosophy of acting as stupidly as humanly possible in front of the maximum number of available cameras to unprecedented celebutard heights, but her recent probation violation for a DUI charge has posed her team with the kind of serious threat to their client's welfare that can not be easily brushed aside by right-hand flack Elliot Mintz's typical Jedi mind tricks:

As far as we are concerned, "Because it's Wednesday" is as an acceptable answer as any to the question, "Why are you running the Rip Torn DWI mug shot again?" It just so happens, however, that there has been a major development in the case, completely justifying another visit to Soused Rip Mountain:

When Paris Hilton threw herself on the mercy of the court back in January, Lady Justice looked sympathetically upon the wayward heiress' DUI ways, sentencing the preeminent area flashbulb-whore to 36 months of probation, reducible to 24 with optional community service. Sadly, Hilton's recidivist nature would prevent her from resisting the Call of the Strip, as she was stopped speeding on Sunset around 11 p.m. last night, with her headlights off and in possession of a suspended licence. The probation violation could result in the "Stars Are Blind" singer's next impromptu table-top performance occuring at a medium-security correctional facility dining hall near you:

Michelle Rodriguez, who last year found her Lost character falling victim to a network-president-ordered /showrunner-sanctioned hit, is no stranger to the wrong side of the law, having served time both in LA and Hawaii for various well-publicized DUI offenses. "But what's her side of the story?" you've not likely asked yourself. The Lost Blog guides us to Rodriguez's own site, where she finally opens up about the rough justice she suffered at the hands of the corrupt American penal system that forced her to do 4 hours and 27 minutes of a 60-day sentence. It's all in there: The cockroach droppings! The alcohol-sensing robo-bracelet! The disparity between TV and film payscales! Read on, if you dare:

Ray Liotta got his three-day weekend off to a high-impact start Saturday night by slamming his vehicle into two parked cars in the Palisades. But in a fun, fresh twist to the conventional story, TMZ is reporting that the "I" for influence had nothing to do with alcohol:

30 Rock star Tracy Morgan (or, as one headline writer who has yet to climb aboard NBC's Comedy Night Done Right train put it, "Ex-'SNL' star Tracy Morgan") has pled guilty to his DUI charge from November. And if he stays out of trouble for the next little while, it appears he'll be off the hook:

You may recall the Lane Garrison accident from early December. By way of utterly depressing review: the former Prison Break actor made some teenage friends at a Beverly Hills grocery store one Saturday night, accompanied them to a house party, allegedly downed several shots of vodka, then later struck a tree with them in his SUV, injuring two and killing Beverly Hills High School student Vahagn Setian. A press conference held by Beverly Hills police today delivered the results of their investigation, including three separate charges, listed in decreasing order of fucked to fuckedest:

Paris Hilton, whose spotless track record and meticulously managed public persona came tumbling down around her when she received a DUI in September, has entered a plea of no contest in her drunk-driving case:

With precious few hours until we kick off for our Christmas vacation, we never expected that the Celebrity DUI Gods would send down yet another drunk-driving mugshot for our amusement, but they've just delivered the gift of this Gus Van Sant (Good Will Hunting, Gerry, the Kurt Cobain one) photo through their chosen vessels at The Smoking Gun. The Portland Mercury's Blogtown PDX fleshes out the arrest story with a police official's description of Van Sant, who was driving his Porsche SUV without his headlights on and burned some rubber at a red light: "He had glassy, watery, red eyes, slurred speech, and smelled strongly of alcohol." Unfortunately for the director, recent Drunken Famous Person Mugshot Hall of Fame inductee Rip Torn's playful jailhouse modeling session set the bar impossibly high for his peers, making Van Sant's effort seem all the more uninspired and dour. If there's one lesson Torn has taught us, it's to reclaim one's boozy dignity by having some fun with a potentially embarrassing situation.

You've read the booking sheet with its shocking, self-reported (and probably exaggerated by 10 percent) 85 lbs of body mass and listened to the chilling 911 calls, but now, thanks to local ABC affiliate KABC 7's exclusive RichieTracker7000™ technology, you can experience what it would have been like to view the wild, Vicodin-and-marijuana impaired ride that resulted in Nicole Richie's DUI arrest from a seat in their VirtualNewsChopper7 hovering over a crudely animated 134 Freeway. We warn you in advance: So immersive is the simulation that you may find yourself short of breath (or, God forbid, loose of bowel—take the appropriate precautions) when the overscaled, lane-clogging rectangle representing Richie's SUV enters the freeway on an exit ramp, then quickly executes an incredibly dangerous U-turn in the middle of the roadway, threatening to wipe out every unseen vehicle you can imagine driving in the proper direction. Enter the RichieTracker7000™ here via the video widow, if you dare. You'll never get behind the wheel after hitting the bong and popping a downer again.