As part of our ongoing attempt to help our readers navigate the lonely, terrifying modern world, we offer this advice: If you are arrested for driving while intoxicated, do not bring "a bag full of beer" to your court hearing. This is what Keith Gruber, 49, of Swan Lake, N.Y., did on Monday; the judge at the hearing was not pleased, and threw Gruber in jail without bail. But we may all learn from Gruber's unfortunate experience, and take the following advice:

Lindsay Lohan clearly thought she was getting off easy today, but after admitting to failing a drug test—thereby breaking her probation—the troubled starlet has been ordered to go back to jail. Update: The decision has been reversed.

Mel Gibson allegedly ranted against "wetbacks" on tape. Previous tirades include the N-word and anti-Semitism. Wouldn't it be nice if you could read every terrible thing Gibson has said, all in one place? Look no further. Updated with more quotes!

Lindsay Lohan will soon turn herself into Lynwood's Century Regional Detention Facility for a 90-day sentence. How many days will she actually serve? Will she get extra time for her fingernail "fuck you"? What will her cell look like?

Bestselling artist/crook Thomas Kinkade was arrested on suspicion of a DUI in California. According to police, he was "very nice," for a guy whose life's work represents the vicious murder of art at the hands of religious capitalism. [Modesto Bee]

Every time Lindsay Lohan drinks, it costs $10,000. English muffins can trigger false positives on alcohol monitors. Probation is the most complicated thing in the world. These are the things I've learned from the daily travails of the Lohans.

Red alert! Starlet under fire! Noting that "actions speak louder than words," L.A. Judge Marshal Revel has issued a bench warrant for Lindsay Lohan, who skipped hearing about violating the terms of her DUI probation, because she's in Cannes.

Two days after police responded to a "domestic incident," Mary F. Kennedy, wife of Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, was arrested for drunk driving outside of a school. She failed two sobriety tests and registered a blood alcohol level of 0.11%.

Stefano Tonchi landed one of the most coveted jobs in fashion when he was named editor of W ten days ago. Good thing he doesn't start until April 12. He went on trial today in Beverly Hills for a DUI.

Jailhouse tweets: harrowing, educational, and a bad idea if you're dodging the terms of your sentence. In the midst of his prison term for a fatal DUI, Roger Avary blew the whistle on his own short-lived accidental freedom via Twitter.

Accustomed to being paid for doing absolutely nothing, reality television performance artist Heidi Montag refused to attend her own sister's birthday without compensation. What's the union rate for siblings?

• Mariah Carey, Stevie Wonder, Usher, Lionel Richie, Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson, John Mayer, and a truck full of elephants (left) will all on hand for the Michael Jackson's memorial service in LA later today. Debbie Rowe and Elizabeth Taylor will not be there, however. [Reuters, NYDN, People, Us]
• Several ladies from the Real Housewives of New York are demanding more cash before signing up for another season of the show. In addition to "six-figure deals," they're asking for clothing, hair and makeup allowances and "a promised amount of screen time." You're shocked by this, we're sure. [NYDN]
• In other Housewives news, it looks like LuAnn de Lesseps may be reuniting with her estranged husband, and Bethenny Frankel is engaged. [P6, Us]

Politico.com has concluded a groundbreaking investigation into the cars owned President Obama's cabinet members and top aides. And what did they find? A very sorry state of affairs, that's what. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is the proud owner of a 2008 entry-level Acura TSX, and he previously owned a 1999 Honda Accord, none of which is entirely surprising considering he's worked government jobs his whole life, has an atrociously designed home, and has lousy taste in ties, too. Larry Summers, however, will have a harder time excusing his 1995 Mazda Protégé (or his previous car, a 1996 Ford Taurus GL), since he worked for David Shaw's hedge fund for long enough to invest in a 3-series BMW (at least one that was manufactured at a plant in the U.S.) Naturally, the one person noticeably absent from Politico's list is the one that matters most: Steve Rattner, the man appointed by President Obama to redeem the American auto industry. But it's not all that complicated to determine at least one of the cars in Rattner's fleet. The couple's 2006 black Mercedes-Benz 350 (New York license plate #CSL1498!) was entered into the public record when his wife, Maureen White, was arrested for drunk driving last October.

Steve Rattner is the very prominent financier, the man who manages Michael Bloomberg's money, and a leading candidate to fill the post of "car czar" in the Obama administration. The nomination process, however, has stalled in recent weeks, according to today's Journal, and now there's a possible explanation for the delay: Rattner's wife, Maureen White, was arrested for drunk driving in October. Ironic, yes, and probably most unwelcome news for President Obama considering how many controversies have already been stirred up by his nominations over the past few days. But there's another layer of mystery to the story.

Being a celebrity is a double-edged sword: you're often more likely to find yourself involved in ridiculous, well-publicized crime, but at least it's easy to get acquitted!

Former Melrose Place and T.J. Hooker babe Heather Locklear's troubles continue. Two months after completing a four week stint in an Arizona treatment center for "anxiety and depression," Locklear was arrested and held in police custody last night in Santa Barbara on suspicion of driving while impaired. Police sources say that alcohol wasn't involved but that tests are being conducted to determine if the actress was on drugs. She was released on her own recognizance. [TMZ] Update: Mugshot goodness after the jump.

As a world on edge waits to hear whether Mutt Williams will ever wield a whip again (we're hearing some encouraging news that his pinkie is out of critical care!), we bring you all the latest in the Shia LaBeouf could-have-been-much-worse DUI nightmare: · Sgt. Tressa Gunnels is amazed the injuries weren't more severe. Also: She's bad ass. [KCAL] · The rap sheet! [ET] · Shia was at The Troubadour at a Lemon Sun and Rumspringa show before the accident: "[He was] dancing around and acting really crazy...He kept doing shots of whiskey...He stayed until the band was done and then stumbled out of the club by himself." The female passenger in the overturned car was his Australian Transformers 2 co-star Isabel Lucas, pictured here moments after boyfriend Adrian Grenier's generous offer to polka-dot the stripes out of her. [Us]· Grenier, meanwhile, is reportedly displeased that she was out partying with LaBeouf at 3 a.m. Asked for a status update, Grenier was reportedly "testy...and refused to comment." [NY Daily News] · Shia's mom Shayna LaBeouf spoke to reporters from Cedars-Sinai, where she's been with Shia since the accident. She said he's "doing fine," and was close to tears as she said "thank you, thank you," to concerned fans. [E!] · Gold Derby blog's Tom O'Neil takes out his gilded switch and raps Shia lightly on his non-injured hand. If you expect to win Oscars, young man, we'll need to see some shaping up in the DUI truck-flipping department! [LAT] ·Transformers 2 co-star Tyrese was asked if he thought the reported month-long hiatus might affect Shia's involvement in the film, to which he responded: "A month? He won't be in the hospital for a month. He just hurt his hand. He can afford a private nurse." [MTV]

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull star Shia LaBeouf was arrested early this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving while well 'faced. "The 22-year-old actor was the driver of a vehicle that was involved in a 3 a.m. collision at a street intersection in Hollywood, Los Angeles County Sheriff's Sgt. Scott Wolf said. 'It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,' Wolf said."

As predicted by a crisis-management think tank at USC's Annenberg School of Flack Studies in a research paper entitled, So, You're the Recently Fired Star of a Hit Series Picked Up Unconscious with a Serious Selection of Party Drugs: Now What?, CSI-alumnus Gary Dourdan has announced that the stash of heroine, cocaine, ecstasy, and prescription pills found in his car did not, in fact, belong to him:

1990s girl-next-door icon Sandra Bullock and her husband, who is some guy, were struck head on when a drunk driver veered into their car in Gloucester, Mass. last night. The driver's blood alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit at .20.