A new national survey from Public Policy Polling has revealed some startling truths about the American public. Specifically, the fact that 5 percent of voters believe that Harambe, the dead ape widely understood to be in Ape Hell, is the best possible candidate for President of the United States.

Last season on “Donald Trump Is Terrified of Being Humiliated by People Who Actually Know What They’re Talking About,” Trump set a precedent of laying groundwork for his debate ditching long before the actual debate could take place. And now, season two Trump is gearing up to be just as craven.

Khizr Khan, the father of a Muslim U.S. Army captain killed fighting in Iraq and unexpected star of the Democratic National Convention, appeared on MSNBC’s The Last Word with a plea for Republican leaders to reject Donald Trump.

At a rally in Colorado Springs earlier today, Donald Trump finally got a chance to spend some quality time with his emotional peers.

One of the major themes of the just-concluded Democratic National Convention, and especially of the reaction to the convention, was that the party was, as the New York Times put it, “Eager to Woo Republicans.” It was the fullest expression of the Democrats’ effort to assemble a unified front against Donald Trump. Two nights after the populist and socialist Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton for president, so did the plutocrat and sometime Republican Michael Bloomberg.

Regardless of whatever political good or harm it did, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg’s appearance at the Democratic National Convention on Wednesday appears to have gotten under Republican nominee Donald Trump’s skin. “Trump says he wants to run the nation like he’s run his business,” Bloomberg told the DNC. “God help us.” (Folks!) “I’m a New Yorker,” he continued, “and I know a con when I see one.”

Taking time out from her current business and professional interests, Melania Trump addressed fans’ questions on Thursday about why her website, MelaniaTrump.com, now redirects to the Trump Organization’s homepage. “The website in question was created in 2012 and has been removed because it does not accurately reflect my current business and professional interests,” she said in a screenshot statement posted to Twitter. The statement, astute readers will note, is only 10 characters longer than Twitter’s 140 character limit.

On Wednesday, after he was denied press credentials to cover Indiana Governor Mike Pence’s first public event since being introduced as Donald Trump’s vice-presidential candidate in Cleveland, the Washington Post’s Jose DelReal was barred from entering the rally by security staffers, who went as far as to summon law enforcement before escorting him from the premises.

Donald Trump, who thinks ‘irony’ has something to do with what his doctor said about eating too much red meat, is now claiming that he was “being sarcastic” when he invited Russian spy agencies to commit cyber espionage against Hillary Clinton.

To the frustration of Democrats and Republicans alike, Donald Trump’s most consistent position—perhaps his only consistent position, actually—throughout this ludicrous campaign season has been his refusal to release his tax returns. Now, at least two wealthy Hillary Clinton allies have put out a bounty for them.

DAD STOP.

Earlier today, Donald Trump held a Reddit AMA, offering insights into such topics as whether he is getting tired of winning (he is not). But in the midst of his internet frenzy, Trump appears to have accidentally revealed the true identity of the DNC email hacker.

PHILADELPHIA — Just a few hours ago, in an interview with Gawker, Karl Rove finally offered an answer to the question on everyone’s mind: Is Karl “the Architect” Rove ready to get behind Donald Trump?

Asked whether he would support forcing Muslims on the federal terror watch list “to wear electronic monitoring tags or bracelets,” former New York City Mayor and current Donald Trump advisor Rudy Giuliani praised the concept as “excellent,” NJ.com reports.

Donald Trump is an attention-hungry, inauthentic charlatan driven almost entirely by an insatiable appetite for fame and, if he can swing it, fortune. So to treat Donald Trump as if he’s trying to convey any actual message is to miss the point of him entirely. Donald Trump’s only message is that Donald Trump exists.

Donald Trump held a patently absurd press conference this morning, in which he offered that foreign governments should hack Hillary Clinton, asked reporters if they’re familiar with the “n-word,” and referred to John Hinckley—the man who tried to kill Ronald Reagan—as “David.”

Taking reporters’ questions after an appearance at Trump National Doral, in Doral, Florida, Donald Trump delivered some of his most unhinged proclamations of an already unhinged campaign.

In a notably unhinged press conference Wednesday, Donald Trump explicitly requested Russia hack more email accounts belonging to a former Secretary of State, just minutes after denying that Russia was involved in the hack at all.

PHILADELPHIA — Earlier today, the DNC’S Rural Council met to discuss the impact of Democratic policies on our country’s farmers and, more importantly, to brutally own noted city boy Donald Trump.

Last night, after Wall Street teat-sucker Cory Booker repeatedly quoted Maya Angelou in a speech that openly railed against “individualism,” Donald Trump sent out a curious tweet: