A reader explains Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher "I've figured out the truth behind the Demi Moore / Ashton 'trucker hat' Kutcher charade. It's all a big episode of Punk'd. I mean c'mon. You can't buy publicity like this. Demi is in her first movie in six years, she has a better body than any 23 year old (let alone 40 year old) I've ever seen, and she's going to waste it on some flash in the pan who thinks he's the next coming of Dean Martin. The final nail in the coffin is, there is no way Bruce Willis would be so comfy cozy with the dork who's having relations with his wife. You've heard it here first. It's all bullshit." I suppose it's plausible. If so, I'm looking forward to the episode where the cameras come out and Ashton says, "Demi! Oh my god, DUDE! Gotcha!"

· June 26th: Appropriate [Media Personality] Michael Savage's Name for Your Own Purposes Day.
· Rooftop films
· Celebrity animals: the top 11 films featuring animals that eat people [via Fark]

· Harper's beat the New Yorker Tuesday night in what was surely one of the most excruciatingly overintellectualized softball games ever played in Central Park. [Page Six]
· Arnold Schwartzenegger on the smoking ban: "I would have some restaurants that are smoking restaurants and some non-smoking so there is a choice. Now there is no choice, so I think it's a little overboard." [Page Six]
· KISS singer Gene Simmons on the war between the sexes: ""Women are from Mars, men have penises. Life's biggest problem is marriage. One of the two is usually a man who is expected to get in touch with his feminine side. I've never asked a woman to be in touch with her masculine side. A woman wants a man to cry at a sloppy movie. But if he cries before she does, he's a wimp." [Cindy Adams]
· Liz Smith points out that NY Mag media critic Michael Wolff's recent raves about ex-Talk editor Tina Brown's talk show ("I think it's strangely good. I think it's the kind of fairly verbal, almost nuanced, culturally attentive, a smarter-rather-than-stupider show that people see and say, What's that doing on television? Where are the blowhards and nutcases? The vulgarians? The show is oddball. It has a late-night '50s air.") come after eight straight columns "trashing her to pieces." [Liz Smith]
· Feeding recent rumors that she's been seeking chemical help for wrinkles, Madonna pretends to get botoxed in her latest video. [NY Daily News]

Anil notes that Entertainment Weekly's "IT List" party pictures "curiously omit the Gawker duo." We were there, but I wouldn't say the omission was that terribly curious.
We showed up at the door and said we were "on the list."
"Everyone's on the list," snorted the bouncer. "Back of the line!" (gesturing toward the line that stretched to 10th street.)
"No, but we're, like, on the list in the magazine," we protested. "The 'IT List.'"
The bouncer looked skeptical (or was it hostile?) but a guy with a clipboard and a headset confirmed it.
"You wouldn't mind running through the press gauntlet, would you?" the Clipboard Guy asked, motioning to a line of celebrities being photographed on a blue carpet.
"Do we have to?" we whined.
Clipboard Guy frowned, then realized that no one would know who we were anyway and released the velvet ropeor the metaphorically velour rope, as it were. Gawker publisher Nick Denton left after a grand total of 15 minutes. His celebrity encounters consisted of running [literally] into American Idol second placer Justin Guarini on the sprint out the door, after which Nick presumbly continued home to remove the stench of C-list from his clothes.
My celebrity encounters consisted of being dissed by the bartender for various Sopranos cast members and getting plowed down by part of pop star Jessica Simpson's entourage. Todd Barry, of "I attended the Gothamist happy hour" fame, was there. To be fair, he may be slightly better known as a standup comedian and one of the people on the "IT List"... Then again, they'll put anyone on the "IT List."
I also met NYT "boldface name" gossip columnist JOYCE WADLERstrike that JOYCE WADLER'S [CREDITED] STRINGER. I told her I liked her column. She gave me a blank stare. (What was this "gawker" of which I spoke?) A few feet away, Page Six columnist Richard Johnson was carefully removing the lips of various B-listers from his ass. Nothing else of any consequence happened. No Ashton. No Demi.

Once again:

How to get published when you can't get published: write about not getting published. (It helps if you date a celebrity writer first.) Corrections author Jonathan Franzen's girlfriend [Ed.or is it ex girlfriend now? I'm not up to date on my Jonathan Franzen stalking] writes about her inability to get published and her jealousy of Franzen: "When his novel was finally done, the man handed it in and his editor called every hundred pages or so to say he was loving it, then called to say he was cutting the cheque, and finally called to say he wanted to take the man and me out for a celebratory dinner. Halfway through the meal, when the editor said something polite about wanting to read some of my work, I did not know what to say, and the man intervened: 'You did read it, actually. You passed on it.'"
Envy [Guardian via nchicha]

· An anonymous memo sent to the Post by a supposed NYT staffer demands that NYT assistant managing editor Andrew Rosenthal be demoted or removed by publiser Arthur Sulzberger. [Page Six]
· Ralph Lauren threatened to pull ads from magazines that were promoting rival Lacoste. [Page Six]
· An ex-employee says that a pipe bomb was found in a crawl space at Au Bar, but the owners didn't call the police because they were afraid it would be bad for business. [Page Six]
· Tobey Maguire raves about his AA program [NY Daily News]

Ashton Kutcher was sighted yesterday on the trading floor of a New York investment bank. According to a reader, his prospects as a bond trader don't look so good: "my friend at Lehman said that Ashton Kutcher asked the private client services guys to explain bond investments and bond math using 't-shirts', since he knows what a t-shirt is."

· Numbers you may need if your wallet is lost or stolen
· The perfect shirt for the next trip to Soho House
· Maxim caught cutting and pasting?

From a reader: "I was at Soho House yesterday evening, as I was leaving the "House" and as I stepped into the lobby standing there was the majestic [Vogue editor] Ms. [Anna] Wintour. No sunglasses and razor sharp bangs. At her side was her loyal flacky Shelby 'shellgame' Bryant. She was deep in thought, or at least faking it, and he was blabbering on about nonsense, nonstop. I did not get a chance to see what floor they were going to, but I assume that it was the restaurant on the sixth floor and not the Library on the fifth floor where [Vanity Fair exile] Toby Young was having a cocktail reception to introduce to the U.S. the paperback edition on his fame to failure chronicle 'How to lose friends and alienate people.'"

The NY Press ranked the top 10 queerest straight New Yorkers, and Liza Minelli comes in third. (Only third!) "Her dad was PRETTY much gay. As was her first husband, Peter Allen. Her mother was Judy Garland, for crying out loud!...In the The Andy Warhol Diaries, she's described as sniffing poppers while giving Baryshnikov head under the table at Studio 54. 'I made my mind up back in Chelsea.' You sure did, girlfriend."
The gay 10: New York's queerest straight folk [NY Press]

My favorite flack, Lizzie Grubman, is teaching a PR course at the Learning Annex titled "How to succeed in public relations." A few Don'ts":
1. Don't back your SUV over innocent bystanders when experiencing Hamptons-induced fits of rage. (Aim for Carson Daly instead.)
2. Don't hang out with Tara Reid.
3. Seriously. No Tara Reid.
Lizzie's "How to succeed in public relations." [601am]

On the heels of [CNN's] Tucker Carlson's promise to eat his shoe if Hillary Clinton's book sold well, Excite's Patrick Holland challenges Ashton Kutcher's earning power: "I promise to you, all six loyal Buzz List readers, that I will eat nothing but baked beans and ketchup - no, check that, CATSUP - for an entire month if Ashton Kutcher's August film, My Boss's Daughter, hits $40 million during its first four weeks in theaters." In keeping with the trend, I promise to treat myself to a MARTINI every day for a MONTH if another article on trucker hats appears in a mass market publication. (The sacrifices I make for Gawker...)
Buzz list [Excite]

Right. The Grand Canyon.
Not St. Bart's.
Not Monaco.
The Grand Canyon.
Blogger/Conde Nasty Jeff Jarvis was playing with Google AdSense, which (theoretically) matches textads to websites based on content, and Gawker is apparently the sort of site that would be read by people who want to visit the Grand Canyon. Either AdSense is a little buggy or we have the "Vanity Fair" demographicAstrovanned soccer moms in Sapulpa, Oklahoma. Given that our reader survey results indicate that you all have annual incomes the size of select third world GDPs, I'd say it's probably AdSense. Or you're all liars. (Yeah, that's probably it.) Other questionable results:
· Hilton sisters blog: ads for Fortune 500 databases, Paris hotels, Black Enterprise magazine
· Radar - ads for other magazines (Focus on Style, HFM, and Black Enterprise.)
· NY Post - ads for Iraqi Humanitarian relief, Food for Iraqi families, murder mystery party games, and Black Enterprise magazine.
· The Observer - ads for snarky, New York hotel rooms, Broadway shows, and subscriptions to TimeOut
All work and no play [Buzzmachine]

"As someone who's lived in New York for a decade, I firmly believe in my right not to go to work until Wednesday or so. Or Thursday. Whatever."
I'm just gonna keep weekending it [Choire Sicha]

· Ashton Kutcher is on the trading floor of the investment bank I work at right now. There's been a stampede of women to the floor from all over the company. One trader, checking out all the chicks, just yelled "I wish my beach house was like this."
· Arriving early to assure good seats for the 6:15 showing of The Hulk on Saturday, we were very excited when Sam Rockwell stole an entire row of seats from us because "there's like 10 of us," he grumbled. We very graciously accepted the row directly in front of Sam as, sadly, we were only 7. Looking ever the disheveled sexy mess he usually is, Sam waited anxiously "for this movie to suck" along with his mother(?) and several other completely unimportant non-celebs. He was joined shortly thereafter by Callie Thorne. They shared a large popcorn and discussed marriage (she "doesn't believe in it") until Justin Theroux arrived, sat between them, and began looking very snuggly with Callie. Justin, not wanting to be recognized, came incognito dressing like every character he's ever played on film or television and wearing his signature horn-rimmed black prescription sunglasses throughout the entire movie. After the movie, on the way to the bathroom, I spotted Sam once again, this time, admiring himself in the poster of his upcoming movie "Matchstick Men." Upon hearing that he was put in the poster Sam said, "Cool, they don't usually do that."

· Hillary's bestseller: infographic
· Reality shows taking applications
· Central Park bioblitz [via Tigerbunny]
· Art buying for beginners [via MUG]

· Miramax chief Harvey Weinstein is turning the broadway musical "Damn Yankees" into a movie. [NY Daily News]
· Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas author Hunter S. Thompson says he bailed on a panel last week because he injured his back doing "honeymoon activities" with his new bride. [Page Six]
· Sighted: "Demi Moore dancing atop a table to Bananarama's 'Cruel Summer' at Flow Saturday night after enjoying several Turi vodka and Red Bull cocktails with Ashton Kutcher and eight pals." [Page Six]
· Words of wisdom from Courtney Love: ""I shouldn't have done the backside. Nobody should lipo their butt. I've flattened my perfect fat ass." [Cindy Adams]
· Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss on what she does after sex: "I hope he's gone, and if not, I call him a taxi." [Liz Smith]

A reader writes, "7 PM F train from Times Square to 7th ave. Saw a guy who had printed out pages of gawker and was reading it on the train on his way home. Who needs magazines when you've got you guys' and free toner and paper at work???" James? Was that you?

Hmmm...that dress looks a little tight.
It's big bones Zeta Jones [Sun]