After all the uncomfortable ear-nibbling and fake-rack-nuzzling demanded by his stint as guest editor of Vanity Fair's Hollywood issue, the admirably hands-on Tom Ford finally came across a task he could savor. When the stress of an Annie Leibovitz photo shoot induced a sensitive case of performance anxiety in subject Jake Gyllenhaal, Ford quickly stepped in to make sure the star would properly fill out his jeans. Of course, the actor's freshly fluffed region wouldn't actually be shown in the photograph, but any true artist knows that what's turgidly lurking outside the frame is just as important as what we ultimately see.

Page Six is having some trouble keeping their various Hollywood Silvers straight, with an item running today identifying V for Vendetta's producer as Ron Silver celebrated star of Timecop and the woefully shortlived Fox porn industry drama Skin instead of superproducer Joel Silver, the man who brought the world Swordfish (the movie, not the entree), and Ultimate Frisbee (the sport, not the movie). If you should run into either one at a function, we'd typically suggest printing and saving the above side-by-side to tell them apart; but let's face it from a few paces away and after a couple of glasses of chardonnay, we'd probably fall victim to an embarrassing misidentified producer faux pas, too. Best to simply corner them, and repeat "Love your work, Mr. Silver," until they grow weary of the gushy formalities and tell you to "Just call me Ron/Joel, alright?" seconds before ducking out, thereby relieving you of any unwanted awkwardness.

King Kong star Naomi Watts will serve as honorary chair of this year's Independent Spirit Awards, where up-and-comer Peter Jackson's intimate tale of the love between a struggling actress and a gorilla with a severe glandular disorder was curiously shut out. [Variety]
Saffron Burrows, Jada Pinkett Smith and Liv Tyler are in final negotiations to star in Reign O'er Me, the Adam Sandler 9/11 movie we still can't quite wrap our minds around. [THR]
NBC has posted the pilot episode of the Dick Wolf series Conviction to iTunes Store, where potential viewers can download it for free, then spend the two weeks until the show's premiere telling friends how totally awesome it is, thus making the series a huge hit for the struggling, technology-crazy network. [Variety]
Agents are livid about some new language in actors' pilot contracts, fearing that the networks will use their clients' in-character images to whore for Pepsi on cell-phones. [THR]
The American Cinema Editors reward Crash's editor for saving Paul Haggis' movie from becoming a movie-of-the-week on the Heavy-Handed Race Parable Network. [Variety]

Shortly after the official denial of last week's Cruise-Holmes break-up story in Life &Style, Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields took some time off from nervously clacking the metal balls on his desk toy while monitoring the updates in the Anthony Pellicano wiretapping trial to publicly muse about suing the magazine for temporarily upsetting his client's suspicious domestic bliss:

There's a reason so many celebrities choose to insulate themselves from the media through the censorial safety of their problem-minimizing, blame-deflecting publicists: They tend to muck matters up further when they speak for themselves, although the results are never less than amusing. Take for example this e-mail from boxer-brief exhibitionist Teri Hatcher, who claims to have no publicist at all, to MSNBC's The Scoop, concerning Hatcher's motives in refusing to appear on Real Time with Bill Maher:

Having ensured himself a lasting place in the Gay Man's Hall of Fame with Brokeback Mountain, director Ang Lee has made a canny choice for his next project: He'll stick to gay love stories, but win back the hearts of the straight guy population with some sweet girl-on-girl action starring two of the hottest chicks on the planet:

Every once in a while, the gossip rags fire a blind item warning shot just vague enough to make half of the industry think they're being watched. From today's Rush & Molloy column:

· Like any self-respecting, jilted Hollywood wife, Nick Lachey might demand spousal support from his former meal ticket.
Like we said, things seem to be back to normal for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who used the occasion of a memorial service to get in some uncomfortable groping time.
The Donald and Martha are going to be having some pretty hot make-up sex by the end of the week, we can feel it.
Cuba Gooding, Jr.: "Show me the role that will make my post-Oscar career seem like less of a sick joke."

E! may have promised Ryan Seacrest they would shitcan red carpet loose cannon Kathy Griffin as part of his deal, but their wily network execs made sure there was nothing in his contract that said they couldn't replace her with someone just as obnoxious hence the debut of fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi at the Golden Globes pre-show. While his arsenal of celebrity ambush material had nothing in it quite as classic as Griffin's "Little Dakota Fanning entered rehab today" quip, he still managed to win us over with his pubic hair-themed exchange with Eva Longoria, not to mention that round of grabby-hands involving Scarlett Johansson's rack. With the Oscars quickly approaching, Mizrahi recently went on record to let the world know that he has no plans of toning things down:

· The Completely Free Music Round-Up: Heavenly States at Spaceland; Listing Ship at the Echo; Future Pigeon at Silverlake Lounge.
· If you need to be entertained for free in a different way, Monday Film Night at Art Share screens Abbas Kiarostami's Ten, but be forewarned: We're pretty sure this isn't the one with Bo Derek.
· The endearingly potty-mouthed Sarah Silverman assembles some friends for a night of Jesus-baiting magic at Largo.

In Silver Lake, hipster parents don't just get mad about the mindless crap that Hollywood tries to force on their kids—they grab a ladder and a couple of cans of Krylon and take matters into their own hands.

All eyes have turned to Jon Stewart, as we scan the Daily Show comedian for signs of weakness and nerves in the days leading up to the biggest gig of his life, hosting the Oscars. Will he manage the required mix of measured irreverence and exuberance, a la Billy Crystal or Steve Martin? Or would he falter with something closer to Chris Rock's "In your FACE, fat ego movie stars!" routine that both fell flat and suggested the biggest ego in the room was probably his own? Ultimately, we won't know how Stewart fares until the show airs March 5, but by way of preparation, here's an Oscar Host Round-up:

At the BAFTAs, Brokeback Mountain gets four awards, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Reese Witherspoon win best actor and actress, and cowboy bottom Jake Gyllenhaal shows up more extravagantly praised co-star Heath Ledger by winning the supporting actor trophy. [Variety]
Studio heads stock up on adult undergarments in anticipation of the bowel-loosening stress of the coming summer blockbuster season. [Variety]
Agents help out-of-work execs land their next gig out of the kindness of their hearts, not in hopes they'll be able to later leverage the career assistance into personal gain. [Variety]
Harrison Ford and red-hot Eight Below star Paul Walker team up for Hollywood Homicide 2: Blood on the Boulevard. OK, we made this one up. It's not our fault the trades are on vacation today. [Variety]

A curious theme seems to be emerging in actors' self-consciously humble Oscar campaign stump speeches: "Thank God I wasn't a big star when I was young, because I would have done enough drugs to kill an elephant." On last night's 60 Minutes, Philip Seymour Hoffman memorably thanked his lucky stars for late-coming fame ("I have so much empathy for these young actors that are 19 and all of a sudden they re beautiful and famous and rich. I m like, Oh my God. I d be dead. "), and at the BAFTAs on Sunday, George Clooney echoed the sentiment:

On this holiday morning, celebrate the birth of your favorite dead president with a somber meditation on the weekend box office numbers:

· Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are over, says rarely accurate Life & Style! They deny, deny, deny. Someone very glib sends an angry e-mail to Fark. The two seem as fake happy as ever, though, at a memorial service in Australia.
· Is Stacy Snider considering a job at DreamWorks?
· Heath Ledger tumbles into an (accidental?) Jake diss.
· Pellicano dirt round-up: Ovitz threatens, attorney Terry Christensen indicted.
· God bless Paul Walker, Hollywoods hottest new cinemannequin and back-of-head model.
· Even if Kid Rock and Scott Stapp don't touch each other, we're pretty sure this still makes them gay.
· Two more nobodies cast in next Bond movie.
· Quentin Tarantino licks a Swede, then spoils her with a DVD of his own movie.
· Now we get that lame Viagra bit when Steve Martin hosted SNL it was "too hot for censors" Pink Panther bonus material.
· Britney Spears turned into the Mr. Yuck of child car safety.
· What's it cost to buy your movie an Oscar? Lionsgate tells you.
· Brandon Routh finally opens up about his glorious Supermember.
· Brad Pitt gives Maddox remote control car, gives Maddox remote, says "There. Drive yourself nuts."
· Bruce Willis rails on Oprah.
· A Defamer operative gives us a full report on the star-attended Brokeback screening and Q & A.
· Thank God nothing rhymes with "assless chaps."
· The Ca. Supreme Court considers Courtney Cox's genitalia.

· If you're a well-known television actor who's about to have an endoscope thrust into your hindquarters, probably the last person you want see in the waiting room is a blogger. (We have no idea if the star in question is Dr. McDreamy or not, we just thought he'd look good over there.)
Wow, all of those drugs have really changed Tom Sizemore.
NBC bites the viral hand that feeds it, then kicks it in the balls for good measure.
Jennifer Love Hewitt had no fighting chance against the Fugs. We almost feel bad for her.
· Just when you thought New Orleans might be beginning to heal, here comes Michael Jackson to kick down the levees.

Defamer HQ subscribes to Vanity Fair (hey, it's the Friday before a three-day weekend, so potentially humiliating admissions like these quickly disappear into the ether of the interweb...right?), which means that we haven't actually seen our copy of the Hollywood issue yet. But earlier today, The Carpetbagger was stunned by Bob Weinstein's transformation at the hands of VF guest editor Tom Ford, and now The Reeler drives home the point by throwing together the above side-by-side illustrating his miracle-working with the historically schlumpier Weinstein. The results are so dramatic that we're forced to consider the disturbing possibility that the original vision for the cover featured Ford sensually nibbling his made-over masterwork's earlobe while an uneasy Harvey lay prostrate in the foreground, wondering whether to believe the charismatic designer's manipulative promises that the once-corpulent mogul had lost enough weight to abandon his self-consciousness and fully surrender to the liberating experience of being photographed in the nude.

Just a day after we fantasized aloud about a childhood spent swapping Scary Hollywood Lawyer trading cards, USA Today, your home for useless clippable-sidebar information, makes our dream collectibles a reality. Focusing on the leagues' Divorce Division, they manage to compress every essential stat in one handy, suitable-for-laminating cheat sheet. Just think how much easier it will be to take advantage of that vaguely termed loophole in your prenup when you can whip out your Neal Hersh card on the witness stand and announce with great confidence, "Listen here, Mr. 'Graduated from Southwestern in 1976.' You may have played the 'sex addict' card to your advantage in Berry vs. Benet, but I can promise YOU, sir, I will get what's coming to me!"

Friday
NPR legal correspondent Nina Totenberg speaks at the Music Center Speaker Series. Nope, we're not gonna sex it up for you. To once again paraphrase the immortal Samuel L. Jackson: You either want to see that, or you don't. (Yeah, you do.)
· Rjd2 is at the El Rey; metal revivalists Avenged Sevenfold at the Gibson Amphitheatre.
Saturday
· Hey, more music: Saint Etienne at Avalon; It's Rockabilly vs. The 80s with Dick Dale and Bow Wow Wow at the Henry Fonda; Rick Springfield at the Wiltern.
· Damon Wayans tries to atone for the comic sins of My Wife and Kids with an hour set at the Laugh Factory.
Sunday
· DEEP's marathon seventh anniversary party features the Grammy-winning Louie Vega at the Vanguard. [via flavorpill]
· Blaine Capatch and Linda Pine corral usual suspects Paul F. Tompkins, Patton Oswalt, and Ron Lynch for Sketch-Up at the Steve Allen Theater, a night mixing the highly volative ingredients of stand-up and sketch comedy.
· Writer Joan Kelly reads from her memoir The Pleasure's All Mine: The Memoir of a Professional Submissive at Skylight Books, a subject that's sure to resonate with just about anyone who's ever worked in the entertainment industry.