Having found himself in the unenviable position of having his peacock messiah, Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, grabbed by its feathered neck and thrown into a Burbank back alley for a proposed cockfight with ABC's unstoppable Grey's Anatomy, NBC president Kevin Reilly has finally succumbed to the deadly game of network programming chicken, moving 60 from the Thursday at 9 p.m. slot to the more poultry-friendly waters of Mondays at 10 p.m.:

Just two days after Ryan Seacrest's ass was extricated from a collapsed glass coffee table by some extremely secure firemen, "musical competition-emceeing heartthrobs surrounded by hunks in uniform" week continues with this photo of Tony Awards host and X-Men: The Last Stand star Hugh Jackman, with co-stars Kelsey Grammer and Halle Berry, in a morale-raising PR stop aboard the USS Kearsarge. At one point, USA Today reports, Jackman told the crowd, "Not everyone can get their photo with Halle, [but] I do have Halle's phone number here." The ruse instantly served its purpose, with all 1500 voracious servicemen pouncing on Jackman at once in a chaotic attempt at collecting the exclusive digits. White pants, caps, and scarves flew every which way, until all that was left was a massive, groaning mound of twisted male limbs. Minutes later, a battered Jackman crawled out with a wholely satisfied look on his face, the crumpled, blank piece of paper still clutched in his sailor-sullied hands.

· The American Idol finale numbers are in and predictably huge, as 36 million people tuned in to watch Taylor Hicks embark on a career of overwrought, Idol-supplied ballads and Joe Cocker covers. As the Reporter notes, that total is "nine times the population of Hicks' native state of Alabama," where Hicks will be named emperor-for-life in a ceremony later today. [THR]
· People suddenly start caring about the NBA Playoffs this season, spurring a ratings surge helping justify ABC, TNT, and ESPN's massive investment in televising pro basketball games. [Variety]
· Hustle & Flow director will stay with Paramount to make Maggie Lynn, the country music-centered third installment of his "music that people in Tennessee seem to like" trilogy. [Variety]
· Studios and networks are suing Cablevision for offering its "RS-DVR" on-demand service, which allows customers too forgetful to set their own DVRs to watch programming the cable provider has pre-recorded for them, on the grounds that the nets and studios need more time to launch their own services aimed at further bleeding the lazy. [THR]
· Sofia Coppola's dad rides on the coattails of his famous filmmaker daughter, decides to give the directing thing a whirl. [Variety]

Today's Page Six paints a not-so-pretty picture of 73rd percentile hottie Teri Hatcher, claiming the Desperate Housewives star was quick to dump longtime manager Eli Selden when the going got cancerous:

Any exhausting, hours-long orgy is bound to have unexpected moments of transcendence punctuating its otherwise mechanical, fill-every-hole excess, when the right body part finds its way into the perfect orifice, momentarily elevating the entire enterprise into something far greater than the sum of its hopelessly entangled, blindly thrusting parts. Last night's American Idol finale generated its indelible moment in the waning seconds of its two-hour talent show of the damned, when cameras caught former Baywatch icon and pop-star-in-his-own-right David Hasselhoff misting up as silver-maned, low-grade seizure sufferer Taylor Hicks was finally named this season's champion, spilling the unselfconscious tears of one who realizes he's witnessing the birth of another music career that will only be properly appreciated in Germany.

Britney Spears' "Love B: stream of consciousness" section of her official website—the public diary to which she confides her innermost incomprehensible thoughts and musings—has, after nearly a year with nary an entry, stirred to life as of late. First, she posted a 10-word announcement that she was leaving Kabbalah for the "religion" of her "baby." Now, even more mysteriously, an opus of a poem entitled "Remembrance of Who I Am" has been appearing and disappearing from the site, accompanied by a photo of Spears and some garishly outfitted friends flipping the bird. (As of posting time, the poem and photo are back up.) There has been much debate as to what or whom Spears is alluding to in "Remembrance," a verse so primal and tortured it may as well have been titled, "Howl, Y'all." Many are postulating that the target of her ire is none other than background dancing husband/parasite, Kevin Federline, while another interpretation has her addressing the media who paint her as a baby-smashing mommy-monster. You can reach your own conclusions—the entire poem is after the jump.

In today's The NY Times, Sharon Waxman looks at why Fox and Sony "pulled the plug" on Used Guys, the long-gestating comedy starring Jim Carrey, Ben Stiller, and directed by Meet the Parents/Austin Powers'Jay Roach, a seemingly sure-thing project featuring all the rubber-faced and/or hyperbolically neurotic comedy antics the moviegoing public craves, and which was ready to roll into production about a month from now. The short answer, "How can our poor little studios hope to make any money when the budget is $112 million and the greedy, extortionist talent is sucking up all the back-end profit?" seems deeply unsatisfying to Roach, whose entire worldview was thrown into turmoil and meaninglessness by the abrupt plug-pulling. Reports the Times:

· Freelance McPheever sufferer Tori Spelling betrays the Idol hopeful by supporting Taylor Hicks. Things don't get much better for McPhee as she can only draw semi-celebrity support from Mimi Rogers, who may just be trying to bring the dabbler into the fold.
· As a matter of fact, McPhee can't even catch a break with the babies.
· Gawker looks at the ways various media outlets handled the panty problem that cropped up in photos of ABC head Steve McPherson's much buzzed-about upfronts dance.
· Luckily, once getting fat for a movie role became inconvenient for Janet Jackson, Mariah Carey was prepared to step in and take over.

The latest advancement in computer generated effects—a convincing reversal of the human aging process—is on display (spoiler alert) in an early scene of X-Men: The Last Stand, in which Ian McKellen's Magneto and Patrick Stewart's Prof. Xavier are rendered 20 years younger for a flashback. As McKellen raved to reporters in Cannes about the technique ("It's as brilliantly done as airbrushing in a magazine. You cannot tell the difference,"), director Brett Ratner fretted about how the powerful technology could possibly change showbiz forever:

· Director Davis Guggenheim will be on hand for a Q & A following tonight's ArcLight screening of the global warming documentary An Inconvenient Truth, when he will answer all of your questions about star Al Gore's outrageous demands and diva-like behavior during the film's shooting.
· Madonna drops by The Forum to hoist herself onto a glittering disco-cross while background dancers simulate group sex, and if the spirit so moves her, sing a couple of her fans' favorite songs.
· And after you've watched the Material Mom work up a sweat for a couple of hours, you can get started on your own at the Xanadu on Wheels roller skating post-concert party at The World on Wheels in Venice.

A helpful reader scanned this For Your Consideration cover ad from yesterday's Variety for us, demonstrating that CBS isn't backing down from supporting scandal-buffeted Charlie Sheen in its Emmy campaign for Two and a Half Men. While our spotlight might make it look like an unfortunate choice was made in selecting a pullquote for the ad, a savvy publicist actually made a wise decision by choosing the more ambiguous "perverse and timeless" description over the far less savory "cheerleader-devouring pom-pom fetishist" one from People's original text.

No one knows better than we do that regrettable editorial oversights like this one will happen from time to time (we'll never live down the one where we recently misidentified Dakota Fanning as "Bruce Willis' favorite dominatrix"—whoops!), but even knowing ahead of time that something was wrong, it still took us a moment to realize that this photograph's neon-junk-slinged subject was Sacha Baron Cohen alter ego Borat and not, in fact, respected actor Jean Reno proudly displaying his French homeland's most fashion-forward beachwear during a break in Da Vinci Code promotion.

If we had to pinpoint it, we'd put our money on her public breakdown: Minutes after paparazzi captured Britney Spears stumbling and almost dropping her baby, the same shutter-hounds caught her quietly weeping in the window of a Manhattan restaurant. (We can only hope the eatery hasn't since put a framed photo of the depressing moment on their wall, accompanied by the caption, "Britney Spears at the precise moment she realizes she's a terrible mother living in a fishbowl...enjoying one of our world famous calzones!") In any case, the day marked a turning point in Spears' public perception: Mothers everywhere have since admitted that these sorts of mishaps happen often, and that the singer shouldn't be unfairly judged for doing the same.

No fleeting celebrity scandal worth the fifteen seconds it distracts us from our dreary, unfashionable lives can be complete without a t-shirt trying to quickly monetize the controversy. A press release informs us that something called ChoiceShirts.com (note: they don't appear to have hit their website yet) has already pumped out a couple of garments commemorating the recent feud over Brandon Davis' drunkenly expressed distate for the color of Lindsay Lohan's pubic hair. These early offerings beat to market Kitson's upcoming $48.00 Team Sweaty Oil Heir and Team Firecrotch shirts and scores of inevitable, if somewhat nonsensical, Cafe Press variations on the embattled-famous-person "Save Firecrotch/Free Firecrotch" meme. Buy one now and demonstrate your Lohan solidarity before you see something shiny and stop caring!

· Brad Pitt finds himself the target of the celebrity-infant-safety zealots who have mobilized since Britney Spears' repeated, ostentatious child-endangerment episodes after he was seen taking out daughter Zahara for a helmetless [audible gasp!] bicycle ride in a non-bike-ride-approved baby sling [outraged, uncontrollable vomiting!]. [Rush & Molloy]
· Half of Namibians answering a radio poll think that the day that Angelina Jolie gives birth to the Chosen One should be declared a national holiday. It's not quite as good as a religion centered around the genetically perfect infant, but it still would be a nice thank you for all Brad and Ang have done for their country's tabloid profile. [TheAge.com.au]
· The always-reliable British tabloid press claims that Pitt and Jolie have granted the baby's naming rights to a Namibian chief, an honor he earned by murdering a paparazzi with his bare hands to prove his loyalty and by promising in advance to name the baby "Living Symbol Of Angelina's Committment To Alleviating Third-World Suffering." [Life Style Extra/Bang]
· The AP dares ask the chilling existential question, "What if the world's most eagerly awaited celebrity baby were born, and no paparazzi were there to record it?" Answer: Then that baby does not exist. There, that was easy. [AP]

Desperate for a new marketing campaign after their last tagline—"We make animal cruelty taste delicious!"—failed to connect with upscale urban markets, KFC has decided to hop aboard the tidal wave of American Idol mania currently sweeping the country to promote their new "Famous Bowls" line of heart-attacks-in-a-cup. In an ingenious bit of parasitic programming, the fast food chain is dangling the incredible prize of a $10,000 jingle-recording contract in front of tonight's second-place finisher:

· Coming into tonight's close of the 2005-06 TV season, Fox (adults 18-49), ABC (just behind Fox in the key demo, but has "the most water-cooler shows") and CBS (total viewers) all have claims to having the most success. NBC, however, doesn't have to share its proud strangehold on fourth place with anyone. [Variety]
· Adorable off-screen couple Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are still picking their projects together, as they both join the cast of the Bob Dylan biopic I'm Not There. [THR]
· The French are still working through their feelings for Sofia Coppola, offering up a mix of "Gallic-accented boos" (le boo?) and applause at the Cannes press screening of Marie Antoinette. [Variety]
· Queen Latifah tries to atone for Taxi by taking on a tour de force role as a formerly crack-addicted AIDS activist in the HBO film Life Support. [THR]
· Fox humiliates the competition behind the first night of the American Idol finale, which drew over 125 million viewers and may top six billion for tonight's pop star coronation. [Variety]

For any parents who have grown weary of fulfilling family quality time commitments by begrudgingly accompanying your kids to movies starring smart-alecky, CGI woodland creatures, Starbucks introduces a brand new way to phone in your love: by having Meryl Streep read to your kids for you, on audiobooks you can conveniently pick up while grabbing your daily latte:

TMZ.com's unquestioned dominance of the sidewalks outside of various Hollywood drinking establishments has finally yielded new footage advancing the storyline of the Shitfaced Brandon Davis Firecrotch Diatribe affair, as the website's egress-haunting videographers caught Lindsay Lohan at Shag the other night, shouting, "Did you see the video?" as she exited the new club. Lohan wisely refrained from answering in the affirmative or rebutting Davis's earlier, drunken denoucement of her shockingly meager $7 million personal worth as she fled for the safety of her automobile, where, thankfully, no TMZ camera crew was waiting to ask her, "But what about the firecrotch, Lindsay? Are you red down there?" a query they are no doubt saving for their next encounter in front of Privilege later this week.

Seeing a golden opportunity to expand her visibility from the confining Nielsen restrictions of a basic cable comedy to the potential mass audience the America Idol final showdown could afford her, Tori Spelling was one of the first to answer the open Idol casting call seeking "upper middle class, Sherman Oaks types" who could adequately "feign genuine affection for Katharine McPhee." (An attempt to beef up the contestant's rather anemic show of local support on hometown visit week.) Producers, impressed with Spelling's lengthy resume, cast her immediately in the role of "Katharine's best friend Staycie," but still felt the need to bolster the scene with a veteran background actor in the role of "Aunt Jan."