· Music round-up: Bedroom Walls at The Troubadour; Gil Mantera's Party Dream at Spaceland; Pinback at Avalon.
· The monthly Res screening at the Egyptian tonight will feature videos for Boards of Canada, Massive Attack, and Mogwai, and perhaps most importantly, an open bar. "Free" is nearly everyone's favorite flavor of booze.
· Journalist Ben Ehrenreich reads and signs his debut novel, The Suitors (loosely based on Homer's Odyssey, a conceit that gets the epic poetry nerd in us all hot and bothered), at Vroman's.

We all know Eva Longoria is the hottest woman in the universe (at least according to Maxim magazine's inscrutable criteria), but beneath that bitsy, beautiful package lies a ferocious ugliness just waiting to jump out—particularly when she is required to pay for things. Who could forget her heartfelt holiday wishes to a Koo Koo Roo parking attendant who dared ask her for the required fee ("Jesus! It's Thanksgiving. Be nice. FUCK!"). Now comes this report from a Defamer operative about the Desperate Housewives actress, accompanied by Saved by the Bell star Mario Lopez, annoying the regulars and stiffing the friendly staff at a popular watering hole in Toluca Lake:

Shortly after we posted a picture of David Hasselhoff's tearful Idol finale moment, some readers pointed out the choked-up actor's shocking—shocking!— resemblance to both Mrs. Doubtfire and lavishly upholstered septuagenarian producer Robert Evans. Perhaps most troubling about the above images is that Hasselhoff and Evans ignored their plastic surgeons' warnings that a completely forseeable side effect of multiple facelifts on aging, bespectacled men is developing an unfortunate likeness to Robin Williams in a latex mask, but vainly undertook their futile quests for eternal youth anyway.

· International audiences love boringly presented blasphemy, Brett Ratner: Da Vinci Code wins the foreign box office for the second week in a row with $90.9 million, while new release X-Men: The Last Stand rakes in $76.1 million. [Variety]
· CBS settles its lawsuit with Howard Stern and Sirius, with Stern's new satellite home paying CBS $2 million for rights to his radio archives, dashing our hopes that the affair would be settled by a winner-take-all match of anal ring toss between Les Moonves and Beetlejuice. [THR]
· The Palm d'Or goes to director Ken Loach for The Wind that Shakes the Barley, reminding us that films besides Da Vinci and X-Men screened at Cannes. [Variety]
· Studios looking past traditional promotional campaigns with fast food and soft drinks tie-ins this summer are joining up with less conventional marketing partners, like Superman Returns' risky, co-branded line of feminine hygiene products featuring Lois Lane's likeness. [THR]
· ABC and CBS make it easy for viewers to ignore their American Idol clones The One and Rock Star by scheduling them to face off in the same summer timeslot. [Variety]

Emergency room physicians in Cambridge were able to treat Ben Affleck's migraine attack yesterday, but despite their best efforts, were apparently unable to resuscitate his acting career. Reports the Boston Herald:

In Des Moines visiting family for the long weekend, Ashton Kutcher and cougar spouse Demi Moore found a way to bring a little Hollywood A-list celebrity entitlement to the American heartland. After DJ AM text-messaged that he would be spinning at local nightclub Aura, the couple showed up with Moore's daughter, Scout. They then proceeded to party until closing time, safely sequestered from any non-celebrities by the club's accommodating staff:

It almost had to happen this way: Sometime on Saturday night, noted trickster Angelina Jolie finally gave the order to her team of Namibian midwives to administer the bubbling potion that would induce a quick and painless labor and allow the Chosen One, the genetically perfect biological offspring sired by the actress and partner Brad Pitt, to be born while most of the celebrity-obsessed United States population was distracted by the Memorial Day weekend. As almost everyone certainly knows by now, the couple christened their baby girl Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, a twin tribue to Pitt's beloved childhood Labrador and to Jolie's affection for all things vaguely French. Shortly after donating $300,000 to Namibian hospitals for the establishment of high-security, private celebrity birthing facilities, Pitt and Jolie announced plans to tour Africa with young Shiloh, where they expect thousands to gather in various town squares to gaze upon the baby that first introduced their continent to millions of American Us Weekly and Life & Style subscribers. And while some pilgrims will gaze upon the infant and become free of their crutches, wheelchairs, and bad credit ratings, many more will be instantly blinded by direct exposure to her brilliance, the searing of their retinas a painful indication to the unpure of heart that they are not quite ready for an audience with the world's most flawless lovechild.

You spent your three-day holiday weekend trying to relax, but you never really achieved that elusive calm, anxious that you'd have to wait another day for the box office numbers. Know peace:

· Idol Finale: David Hasselhoff chokes up as everyone grabs a piece of what's left of Katharine McPhee. Tori Spelling picks up some day work, and 36 million tune in to watch the the chubby, old dude take it all.
· Kevin Reilly is almost positive he's made up his mind now.
· If Jared Leto isn't gay as a goose, he should prepare to come face to face with an angry gay mob, hoisting rainbow-colored pitchforks and demanding he be cooked.
· Jay Roach mourns the loss of his $112 million gigglefest.
· Britney Spears: angry poet, waxy superstar.
· Journey through the incredible origin myth of Brett Ratner, mutant hack.
· Glazed dumpling Brandon Davis gets an earful from an irate Team Firecrotch player, then releases a retraction of his every regrettable, vagina-freckle put-down.
· Brandon Routh gets some very hetero, public superplay, but Superman's still got rainbows flying out of his manicured hands.
· Dr. 90210 karate-chops the dementia out of an 80-year-old in-flight menace.
· As soon as Wolverine gets out his cage, he makes a beeline for the nearest ship full of horny sailors.
· Katie Holmes' spoon-dug tunnel almost complete.
· For your consideration...and deep concern.
· Faye Dunaway opts not to be fixed in post.

Friday
· Friday night music: Eels (again) at The Roxy, with Smoosh, Jimmy Tamborello and John Tejada at The Getty and Elefant at the Wiltern.
· Anatomy of a Screenplay author Dan Decker tackles summer blockbusters from the screenwriter's perspective at the Santa Monica Barnes and Noble. Be sure to take notes during the subtopic, "The Da Vinci Code: A case study in underestimating your audience's ability to retain information."
Saturday
· Night Vision: MoCA's After Dark kicks off this season with late night admission to their Robert Rauschenberg exhibit and DJs Josh Beckman and Emmett Clements.
· The Cabrillo Marine Aquarium hosts a "Meet the Grunion" event in honor of the silvery fish's annual spawning run. Delight to the mating habits of these sinfully uninhibited, horny sea-creatures!
Sunday
· The Aero Theater hosts a tribute to animator John Kricfalusi, the deliriously twisted man who brought you Ren & Stimpy, who will be in attendance. It's better than bad—it's good!
· Jay Leno revisits his (once funny?...We think?) stand-up comedy roots at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa. It's worse than good—it's bad!
Monday
· Wallow in luxurious, Monday morning hangover misery as the first wafts of overly charred meats drift through your bedroom window, the sounds of beer bottles shpritzing to life stir you to consciousness, and your 72-hour Memorial Day bender begins anew.

There comes a moment in one's life when you realize the steady stream of starlets you've chosen to link yourself to, on the firm advice of your agent, are nothing but a bearded smokescreen cloaking your true feelings from the world. "Enough!" we say. We are sponsor-lovers. As a goose. There—we've said it. And we could care less how it will affect our waning career or pretty boy image. It just feels right. If you'd like to join the sponsor-lover pride parade, everything you need to know is right here.

· Variety leads with the story, "Will 'Code' erode?," which asks how X-Men: The Last Stand will fare at the box office this weekend opposite the still strong Da Vinci Code. Leading us to wonder out loud, "Does the mere posing of a question really qualify as a news story?" Or, for that matter, a lame trade round-up joke? [Variety]
· NBC's program-grid shell game has their competitors snickering behind their scrawny, fourth place ass. But it could well be they who laughs last, when Super Deal or No Deal, featuring a stadium of 1000 models holding briefcases containing amounts from $.01 to $1,000,000,000, devours the Thursday 6 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. time slot. [Variety]
· Canadian networks divvy up this year's American TV offerings, then frantically futz with their schedules in an adorable attempt at mimicking the habits of their neighbor to the south. [Variety]
· Morgan Freeman is close to signing on to Gone, Baby, Gone, Ben Affleck's directorial debut from a script he wrote, answering the age old question, "How many motorcycles does it take to get Morgan Freeman to star in your big comeback vehicle?" [THR]
· Les Moonves tells shareholders that CBS has gotten off to "a terrific start" since its divorce from Viacom, a less than subtle dig at rival Tom Freston. And somewhere in Heaven, the legend goes, the Angel of Corporate Honcho Harmony yelps in pain as a clump of wing feathers is instantly torn off. [THR]

In celebration of Memorial Day weekend, during which we pay solemn tribute to our fallen heroes by stubbornly donning tanktops regardless of prohibitive weather conditions, Defamer will be posting for a half-day today, and returning to a full posting schedule Tuesday. Mark has already taken off, and is at this very moment unpacking his beloved "BBQ Jedi" apron and tongs-of-the-trade, which leaves your associate editor at the helm. Here's wishing everyone a great summer kickoff long weekend, overflowing with family and friends, rope-swing plunges into the ol' watering hole, and thrilling, gay-allegorical comic book adaptations.

The NY Times delves into NBC's unprecedented rejiggering of their fall schedule, which began with a scuttling of Aaron Sorkin's drama-about-a-comedy Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip away from the Thursday night competition, and, like a bored, jittery housewife on a furniture-rearranging rampage, led to drastic tinkering with the rest of the schedule :

No arc in the smash hit youth drama Greasy Heirs has captivated audiences more than the Shitfaced Brandon Davis Firecrotch Diatribe A-plot, in which our moist, husky hero learns an important life lesson regarding the dangers of being too forthcoming with one's distaste for carrotbottomed girls. In today's heartwarming, road-to-resolution episode, Davis apologizes to besmirched-landing-strip victim Lindsay Lohan:

· In an instant message interview with AOL Music today, Jared Leto announced to the world he's as "gay as a goose." He wisely waited until his fatty period was over, avoiding an embarrassing rejection by his new adoptive people.
· In further goose news, if you haven't seen this moment from last night's American Idol finale, in which one of their creepiest early rejects gets the panty-pooping shock of his life when Clay Aiken (who appears to have found a new best friend in Garnier Nutrisse) joins him on stage, well...you must. You simply must. And while we're at it, here's Kevin Covais, who's probably getting more puthy than you ever thought potthible, warbling through a Bacharach classic.
· And in even further goose news, we proudly present the following comic book movie headlines: "Superman' Director Bryan Singer Relates To Outcast Hero," and "The 'X-Men' come out."
· Our grandmother is a sexier, more coordinated dancer than Paris Hilton. Oh, and there's a nipple slip in there, which would really thrill and titillate us if we hadn't already been introduced to her clitoris on multiple occasions.

Woody Allen has lost a lawsuit filed against his former producing partner over control of the re-editing of his movies for TV and in-flight broadcast:

· Thursday night music: The Eels are at The Roxy, Petra Haden and the Sellouts are playing The Troubadour, and Tone Loc, Digital Underground, Coolio and Young MC [insert your own has-been hip hop star joke here] bust a move at the Key Club.
· Thrift Store Movies II at UCLA Hammer Museum is an evening of A/V gems culled from hours of thrift store sifting by a team of "junk shop anthropologists" that includes LA Weekly film critic Doug Harvey. On tonight's menu: vintage Asian music videos and German ski-bum performance art. Those crazy foreigners!
· In the "But I Thought That Was Only An Urban Legend!" file, Terri Jentz is signing her book, Strange Piece of Paradise, about her hellish journey since that fateful night back in the 1970s when she and a friend were attacked by an ax-wielding maniac on a cross-country bike trip. At Vroman's Pasadena. Sweet dreams.

Open All Night has photos of Britney Spears' wax likeness at Madame Tussaud's, unveiled today and featuring the troubled pop strumpet hanging upside down from a deluxe stripper pole. She's even outfitted with state-of-the-art "heaving chest" technology (no joke), adding to the illusion that she's actually there, lip-synching just inches away from you. While the press release touts the installation as being a dynamic recreation of one of her legendary stage performances, there seems to be some confusion amongst fans—one of whom took to wielding signage in protest— who took the unusual placement to be a cheap shot at Spears' reported clumsiness at baby-handling techniques. Of course, the tiny wax figure of Sean Preston several feet away, suspended by fishing line as if to appear to be sailing through the air, did nothing to dispel the interpretation.

TMZ.com's compassionate brand of stalkerazzism is on glorious display in this video of them hounding Michelle Rodriguez during her last-minute shopping excursion before starting a 60-day LA County prison stint for violating parole. (Though we're not sure what she could possibly need right now. Maybe some of those automatically replenishing doggie bowls?) Looking not at all like someone thrilled to embark on a two-month adventure of gypsy-discovery, Rodriguez graciously submits to the barrage of nosy questions, offering about her time behind bars, "You do what you got to do." She also opens up about future plans: "I'm moving to France...You know, people don't bother you there." We're not sure which people she's referring to. If it's the paparazzi, 5 million "Goodbye England's Rose" single-purchasers would beg to differ. If it's those pesky, DUI pooh-poohing police, we think she'll be dismayed to discover that France is full of them, and that they have entirely low tolerance thresholds for excuses along the lines of, "But in America, we swerve on the other side of the street!"