It was with great concern that we read about Jerry Lewis' latest health complication, a heart attack occurring on Sunday characterized by his reps as "mild." The accompanying photograph on Access Hollywood's website immediately put us at ease, however, reminding us of happier, healthier times, when Lewis delighted millions as The Fumbling Zombie, pictured here in the classic scene in which a frightened storekeep blows his head off with a shotgun, only to have it replaced by another.

In a gesture that would indicate a final and complete severing of whatever tenuous bonds with the real world he had left, hack videogame-movie director Uwe Boll has come up with a novel way to answer his many detractors. According to Ain't It Cool News, Boll is inviting his critics to apply to win the opportunity to beat the living shit out of him, footage of which will end up in Postal, his shooting-rampage movie based on (you guessed it) the videogame of the same name:

· Music round-up: The Watson Twins (recently known for teaming up with Rilo Kiley's Jenny Lewis) at Tangier; Calexico and the Black Heart Procession at the Henry Fonda; She Wants Revenge at the Wiltern.
· Comedy double-feature: Potty-mouthed legend George Carlin stops by the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa, while Chelsea Handler of the eponymous, awkward Chelsea Handler Show on E! will be at the Improv for Ivy League Comedy Night.
· "L.A. literary icon" Carolyn See (quotes to indicate other people's words, not irony) reads from her new novel, There Will Never Again Be Another You at Skylight Books.

The standoff ended not with a well-meaning celebrity's tragic tumble from a high branch, but in the safety of a fire truck's lift with fist extended in triumph, secure in the knowledge that her valiant act of civil disobedience raised awareness for the plight of urban farmers, or for the too-long-ignored atrocities perpetrated by unchecked arborists, we've already forgotten which. But no worries, for there will be other causes and other trees for Daryl Hannah, we can feel it.

We really hadn't expected to get the chance to revisit our continuing coverage of Warner Bros.' Gay Superman Problem this quickly after yesterday's installment, but a generous reader who just returned from a trip to France has supplied us with fresh promotional material for analysis. It appears that the studio is so afraid of any further untoward discussion of the Man of Steel's publicly questioned sexuality that they're willing to exploit the French in an attempt to cement the hero's hetero image. Here, Superman is depicted as so disgusted by Europe's most potent phallic symbol (sorry, Peyronie's-afflicted Leaning Tower of Pisa!) that he's willing to fly straight into the ground to avoid its Gallic charm, perhaps seeking the more vaginal form of a chasm beneath the Earth's crust or the safety of its womblike, if perilously molten, core. Indeed, this seems like a pretty convoluted way of asserting that Superman is into chicks, but ad departments get paid a lot of money to subtly manipulate the public in this fashion.

TMZ reports on a Sunday incident in which one of Scientology's second-tier celebrity adherents fiercely lashed out at a man whose t-shirt glibly called into question the sexual preference of two of her religion's higher-profile champions:

As svelte, breast-reduced Star Jones' Countdown to Obscurity draws tantalizingly close to its predictable and utterly thrilling conclusion, the View star still possesses enough celebrity weight to make it onto the guest list for what Page Six touted as "party of the year"— L.A. Reid's 50th birthday party at Nobu in New York. Spotting the Sixers there, Jones bravely approached them to defend her husband:

Dustin Diamond, who brought the character of marginalized adolescent Screech on Saved By The Bell so dazzlingly alive, was a guest on Howard Stern's show today. There to help save his Wisconsin home from foreclosure, Stern used the opportunity to get to the bottom of an "urban legend" that Screech is packing a python, which Diamond confirmed: Ten inches, flaccid. But not even a mutantly oversized endowment and a place in the pantheon of great TV geekdom leave you immune from the dreaded scarlet letter of bad credit. From GetDshirts.com, Diamond's badly-in-need-of-copyediting website:

· Eminem is attached to star in the Paramount film adaptation of the TV series Have Gun— Will Travel, which will reimagine the Western's original gunslinger-for-hire as a white rapper who excels at threatening his wife in verse. Paramount doesn't want to stretch the neophyte actor too far in his first post-8-Mile role. [Variety]
· Let us all pause for a moment to join hands and thank our infinitely benevolent maker for allowing 20th Century Fox International to be the first studio to reach the $1 billion mark at the foreign box office this year. Slaughtering a fatted calf is strictly optional, unless you are a Fox employee who wants to score some points with his or her boss. [THR]
· It is now safe to officially apply the disappointing™ and Huge Fucking Bomb™ labels to Over the Hedge and Poseidon, respectively. [Variety]
· A judge ruled that producer Bob Yari had to amend his lawsuit over being denied a Crash credit by the PGA and AMPAS, probably to include the disclaimer, "I realize that in the event I am awarded this credit I am claiming my share of the responsibility for this heavy-handed artistic disaster, even if I'm only bringing this action because the movie somehow won a Best Picture Oscar." [THR]
· ICM officially admits that top agent Chris Andrews has jilted his longtime partner for bustier, sluttier mistress CAA. [Variety]

In Los Angeles, even a story about the forcible eviction of squatting farmers in South Central can have—nay, must have—a celebrity angle. The LAT reports that Splash/Clan of the Cave Bear star Daryl Hannah this morning demonstrated her solidarity with the squatters by scaling a tree during the raid and refusing to come down until she finished her tree-top interview alerting the world to her presence at the protest:

In between his SNL hosting gigs, SNL-themed sitcom gigs, and busily distancing himself from his troubled siblings, Alec Baldwin somehow still finds the time to be a movie star. On the set of his latest big screen venture, playing opposite Sarah Michelle Gellar in an adaptation of the hit chick lit novel The Girls' Guide to Hunting & Fishing, a feud has erupted between Baldwin and departing costume designer/scary clown-lady Patricia Field. NY Daily News JV Gossip Lloyd Grove reports:

Pity poor Mel Gibson, who invested millions of dollars for the safety and privacy afforded by a mansion in a gated section of one of Southern California's most exclusive neighborhoods, only to have white trash move in next door and destroy his property values:

Variety reports that Paramount has unexpectedly decided to postpone production on the big-budgeted Jim Carrey/Tim Burton project Ripley's Believe It Or Not for "at least a year." If this move seems eerily similar to Fox and Sony's unexpected decision to "pull the plug" on the big-budgeted Jim Carrey/Ben Stiller/Jay Roach project Used Guys, that's only because you haven't heard any of Paramount's executives stress the studio's undying love for Carrey and Burton and promise that the movie isn't dead, it's just taking a nap while they work on the script. Reports Var:

Both the LAT and NY Times came up with the inspired idea of casting studio bigshots as superheroes, though the subjects of the two articles have far less interesting powers than a certain caped gentlemen whose heterosexuality is currently under siege. As far as we can tell, Disney "brainiac" Ed Catmull's ability is to be unconditionally loved by all who come into contact with him, while phrases like "It's no secret that it took a long time for Tom and I to work things out," "his reactions are never personal," and "his tendency to raise his voice when he gets worked up takes getting used to," coyly reveal the super-unlikabilty that Fox's Tom Rothman was imbued with after prolonged exposure to a radioactive pile of box office cash.

In an exciting legal victory that has made the world safe for countless derivative homage-paying music videos to come, a U.S. Court of Appeals has upheld the dismissal of a lawsuit brought against Jennifer Lopez and the small army of music industry drones whose job it is to perpetuate her recording career:

· CNN newsperson/pin-up Anderson Cooper drops by Book Soup to discuss Dispatches from the Edge: A Memoir of War, Disasters and Survival, where a throng of hundreds of attendees of both sexes will ignore what he's saying as they imagine him signing his books while shirtless and feeding them grapes.
· Danger Mouse, of current Gnarls Barkley and former Grey Album fame, shoots the DJ shit with KCRW's Jason Bentley at the Hammer Museum.
· Monday night music round-up: Irving at the Viper Room; Alexi Murdoch and Walter Schreifels at the Hotel Café; Echo & The Bunnymen at the Henry Fonda; Morning 40 Federation and Monsters Are Waiting at Spaceland.

Defamer is committed to bringing together professionals from the entertainment industry who are "working," yet still insecure enough about their place in the local food chain to clarify that said employment is not at a national coffee-retailing concern, and the creative, screwed-up women who might tolerate these and various other "eccentric, funny, Jewish-y issues." Writes an anonymous Craigslist poster who doesn't need to look for dates on Craigslist, OK?:

This morning's talk about Ari Gold made us nostalgic for the beaming countenance of his partial real-life inspiration, official Agent Dance mascot Ari Emanuel of Endeavor, so we were delighted to hear a rumor (since confirmed by People Who Should Know These Things) that would allow us to raise him from his slumber once again: ICM agent Chris Andrews is defecting to universally loathed/feared chop-shop CAA. We haven't heard which clients (here are six names selected randomly from his roster, according to Studio System: Guy Pearce, Hugo Weaving, Orlando Bloom, Josh Lucas, James "Did You See My 20-Year-Old Girlfriend's Breasts On Entourage Last Night?" Woods, and, just for kicks, the irrepressible Stephen Dorff) might join him in surrendering their careers to the CAA hegemon, or when ICM might make a symbolic announcement about the loss by writing Andrews' name on a dove, releasing it from an open window, and then gunning it down before it has a fair chance to fly away.

Perhaps sensing that Superman Returns director Bryan Singer's suspiciously qualified declaration that the Man of Steel "is probably the most heterosexual character in any movie I've ever made" will be seen as nothing more than evidence that the tension between Cyclops and Wolverine is rooted in an awkward, identity-scrambling sexual experience at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters that both confused mutants would like to forget, Warner Bros. is taking further steps aimed at the public de-gaying of their $260 million box office hero. The results of their latest attempt to dispel the chatter are mixed at best, however. While we we're told that this cardboard standee spotted by an operative at the CineVegas film festival this weekend is meant to depict a hard-partying Superman using his freeze-breath to chill some very hetero brewskis for his frat brothers, removing the cases of beer gives the sense that the balletically lunging hero is selflessly trying to use the icy blast to cool off the overheated, possibly man-seeking loins that have made his studio so nervous.