While we merely conjectured that Jeremy Piven might have punctuated his Emmy win by coaxing his new trophy girlfriend into a celebratory three-way with red-carpet tormentors Billy Bush and Ryan Seacrest, how the actor actually spent his post-Emmy hours is coming into clearer focus in today's tabloids. And thanks to the miracle of gossip column product placement, we know that Piven's victory binge was sponsored by the fine folks at M et:

When John Mark Karr was arrested for the self-confessed murder of JonBenet Ramsey, we, as we are wont to do when current events demand it, offered our help in casting his part in the inevitable CBS movie of the week. But as revealed in some audio of a conversation between Karr and the journalism professor to whom he falsely confessed obtained by The Smoking Gun, the once-suspected killer has some very specific ideas about who should get the gig:

Yesterday's news that Tom Cruise and producing partner Paula Wagner had found some investors to cover their suddenly homeless production entity's overhead costs caught Hollywood off guard, as no one would have predicted that Cruise/Wagner would find financial backers from the world of stale funnel cakes and Tilt-a-Whirls before scaring up some pocket change from a studio looking to hook up with Cruise on the cheap. Especially shocked were Anonymous Industry Insiders Willing To Offer Amusingly Dismissive Soundbites, who collectively think that Cruise's new deal with Six Flags' power-players has the whiff of desperation. Reports the LAT:

· At Comedy Central's after-party, Jon Stewart looks sad because he fell for Stephen Colbert's "Hey, would you mind holding my loaf of bread while I run off with one of your Emmys?" trick for a second straight year.
Quick, put in a bid on the sunglasses Jeremy Piven wore to the Emmys before he pulls them out of the auction, superstitious that they were responsible for his win.
There is perhaps nothing sadder than watching Tara Reid, who once had an entire series dedicated to her partying skills, denied entrance to an exclusive drinking establishment. She just looks so lost and powerless standing by that unmoved, unfeeling Hyde bouncer while Paris strides right in.
Agent Fashionwatch, Mini Edition: "...Emanuel's kid brother, famous Hollywood agent Ari (bright pink Polo shirt, lobster-print belt, white Adidas sneakers) kept jumping up from his front-row seat to pace and speak urgently into his dorky cell-phone headset." What's an agent got to wear to get some respect from the Daily News?
· Paris Hilton is unhappy that Cher's son claimed to scrub his genitals with Tilex after a sexual encounter with her to avoid contracting a social disease, as she fears this rumor might hurt her exclusive STV medication endorsement with Valtrex.

Those who felt that the three hours of the Emmys ceremony itself wasn't a self-mortification ritual sufficiently harrowing to atone for a year of their TV-watching sins may have tuned in to the supplemental torture of NBC's pre-show coverage, where they could have witnessed obviously tense Emmy nominee (and eventual winner) Jeremy Piven have the following testy exchange with red carpet inquisitor Billy Bush:

Matt LeBlanc, as we well know, is the National Enquirer's willing bitch, eager to clamp down on their shiny, red ball-gags of divorce exclusives and first-person "The Night My Lap Was Attacked By A Runaway Stripper's Ass" tell-alls, in exchange for what we can only assume is the assurance that a manila envelope marked "M.L.'s 4 a.m. Vaseline Alley Surveillance Pics" remains permanently sealed. The woman to whom the ass in question belongs is now suing LeBlanc for defamation of character, for the ridiculous-sounding claims the Friends star made about her in a fishy interview he granted the Enquirer last year:

· Monday night music round-up: Pretty crooner Pete Yorn to get crazy laid backstage at the Whisky; The Randies at the Viper Room; Sunny Day Real Estate frontman Jeremy Enigk goes solo at the Troubadour.
· Brody Stevens hosts comedian pals (everyone's friends in the stand-up world, right?) Whitney Cummings, Jeff "On Every Basic Cable Roast You've Ever Seen" Ross, Theo "The Guy From Road Rules Who's A Comedian Now" Von, Anthony Jeselnik, and "special surprises" by Jim Gaffigan and Dan Levy at M Bar.
· The Skirball Center presents an exhibition of photographer Michal Ronnen Safdie's work from her travels to Rwanda and Chad in 2002 and 2004, long before Angelina Jolie solved all of the continent's problems by giving birth in Namibia.

Judging from the seemingly endless procession of well-endowed actresses showing off their assets at this year's Emmy ceremony, Hollywood's stylists came to the unanimous conclusion that the perfect way to accessorize a plunging neckline on an exquisitely tailored gown was with a huge pair of breasts. To celebrate the widespread adoption of this red-hot fashion trend, we've put together a short quiz to test your knowledge of the celebrity decolletage on display at last night's awards. Answers are after the jump:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so start sending them in more often! Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Reese Witherspoon surreptitiously digging into a plate of Vive La French Toast at your neighborhood IHOP.

Realzing that adopting a defiant, "Hey, why can't you Kentucky people realize that our plane crash gag had nothing to do with your actual plane crash?" stance in the wake of the controversy over the Emmy telecast's poorly timed, aviation-disaster-based opening sketch (above) would be a PR disaster, NBC has instead issued the inevitable, semi-apologetic press release assuring the aggrieved that the network wasn't trying to score cheap laughs off a fresh tragedy:

On Thursday, several operatives alerted us to Tom Cruise's presence at Yahoo's Santa Monica headquarters, where it was thought that the suddenly homeless actor/producer was looking to see if chairman Terry Semel was interested in getting into the Fading Megastar Deemed Too Expensive And Crazy To Work With Paramount business. Today, the LAT is reporting that Cruise has found someone—a very unexpected, sports-team-owning someone—willing to toss some loose change his way to help the down-on-his-luck star get back on his feet:

A press release sent sent to us today from Extra excitedly reports that Sharon Stone has confirmed adopting another baby—a boy named Quinn. (Her IMdB biography lists the adoption as having taken place in June, but since Stone apparently didn't put out an official statement this time around, Quinn remained wishful, Hollywood orphan lore until now.) This brings the grand tally of her collected brood ever closer to Joan Crawford's magic number of four, though it will be years before we can look forward to a posthumous tell-all detailing her horrific mothering skills, and its subsequent filmed adaptation. (Until then, we always have Basic Instinct 2 for all our awful-movie-watching needs.) Little Quinn will enjoy plenty of economy class and booster-seat-enabled Ivy-dining companionship from brothers Roan and Laird, and the three shall no doubt grow into a tight-knit trio of fine young men, proving to ably fill the male-companionship-shaped hole in Stone's heart as she enters her 60s and beyond.

Both Var and THR agree: The Emmys took place last night, 24 and The Office won big awards, and HBO extended to six years its run of kicking the broadcast networks' collective asses. [Variety, THR]
NBC soothes the sting of Conan O'Brien's musical ode to the network's current dark days in the Nielsen basement with six Emmy wins, its best showing in years. [Variety]
...but any warm feelings NBC might have derived from its wins were undoubtedly dulled by the fact that no one felt particularly compelled to watch, as the show's ratings we down 15 percent from last year. [THR]
Official Deal or No Deal briefcase inspector Howie Mandel shows he has a strong grasp on the dilemma surrounding this year's swag crackdown by the IRS: "Swag to me means free stuff, and if you pay tax on it, doesn't that kind of negate it?" [Variety]
· The TV Academy handed out four trophies to actors whose series are not returning in the fall, giving the honorees a nice "fuck you" to their networks to place atop their mantels. [THR]

Unsurprisingly, the opening skit of last night's Emmy telecast, in which host Conan O'Brien survives the plane crash that strands him on an uncharted island with the snubbed cast of Lost, didn't go over very well in Kentucky, where just hours before the awards ceremony began, 49 people died in a far less whimsical aviation accident:

As the world contemplates the contents of the highly compromising snapshots that managed to convince the Oceans 13's cast to grace Scott Caan's recent 30th birthday party/photography exhibition with their exalted, A-list presence, tales of its top-tier celebrity hijinks continue to trickle down to the masses. After Friday's news of Angelina Jolie's estranged-parent-avoiding, SUV sit-in, comes this NY Daily News report, in which the rascally George Clooney hatches a plot to further erode any sense of authority replaced dad-unit Bruce Willis might feel he still wields over his own children:

Click to view

With so much to cover this morning, this is no time for tall tales about how I spent my one-day vacation. I'll say this about my absence, and no more: after five hours in a chair with a surgical laser trained on the most sensitive of areas, my "children" have been completely resurfaced. Beauty is pain. Exquisite pain. —Mark

· The Unabridged Redstone Vs. Cruise: End of a $10 million-a-year era.
· Survivor: Cook Island puts a 1936 Olympics spin on its typical coconuts-gathering and spear-fishing contests.
· Snakes On A Plane shocks everyone when it turns out to be what it was supposed to be all along: a movie you pull out of the $2.99 bin at a Tower Clearance outlet.
· We y'all were ready for it, he just has no talent.
· Robert Evans opens up his pristine tennis courts and home to Entourage, and they turn around and take a big, steaming piss on them.
· "Oh, hell to the YES, my little, golden-voiced infidel!"
· Jamie Gold has a few supporters, and one guy who'd like his $6 million after taxes any time now, thank you very much.
· We're kinda leaning towards Forest Whitaker, but it's just a hunch.
· Starlets Illustrated.
· Enjoy the soothing strains of Japanese people laughing behind Paris Hilton's back. Or the unsoothing strains of her shitty album.
· The Emmy statue can't seem to get any respect.
· Neither can Nicole Richie, at least where puppets are concerned.

Amid all this Redstone-Cruise hullabaloo, it's almost too easy to forget the sweet, sugar-titted pleasures of the last "my, how far the world's biggest movie stars have fallen" sensation to sweep through Hollywood: Mel Gibson's Swervy Joy Ride Through Hebey-Hatesville. Well, not everyone has such a limited attention span: A savvy, web-enabled entrepreneur has managed to score an actual cocktail napkin from Moonshadows, the very Malibu bar where Gibson set the stage for his infamous arrest, and put the specimen up for sale on eBay. Yes, they were napkins exactly like this one that absorbed the sweat off every one of Gibson's libations that ill-fated night, lying just inches away from him as he draped his hairy forearms around the nearest set of giggly blondes and smiled feebly for a nearby camera. The serious collector might well be willing to entertain this flawless reproduction's But It Now price of $5,000.

Friday
· Friday night music, "Smorgasbord of Riches" Edition: There's a Homage to Woody Guthrie at the Will Geer Teahtricum, featuring Mike Andrews, James Combs, Elini Mandell and hosted by Inara George, the Junior Boys play the Troubadour*, Wolf Parade are headlining at the Wiltern, catch a pre-Sunset Junction Black Rebel Motorcycle Club gig at the Echo, and hope Cat Power's feeling it when she performs solo at the Malibu Performing Arts Center.
· We had no idea that Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett, aka What's Love Got To Do With It's Ike and Tina, had reunited at the Pasadena Playhouse for a production of August Wilson's Fences. It's not a musical, but you're also spared watching him beat the shit out of her, so it all kind of evens out in the end.
Saturday
· Revenge of the Book-Eaters at Royce Hall is a benefit for Dave Eggers' 826 Writing Centers. NYC got David Byrne and Sufjan Stevens, but we get Aimee Mann, Rilo Kiley frontwoman Jenny Lewis, and...drumroll...His Dreammuffinness himself, Jake Gyllenhaal. We're there.
· It's the first day of Sunset Junction, when hipsters, leather daddies, Latino families and yuppies come together to celebrate the fact that they don't live in Beverly Hills. Though with this year's VIP section, have the proceedings finally turned a Scott Speedmanesque corner?
Sunday
· Gotan Project, Zero 7 Featuring Sia, Jos Gonz lez, & Herbert perform at the Hollywood Bowl.
· Jon Favreau fields some questions and presents Buster Keaton's silent classic, Steamboat Bill, Jr., at the Skirball Center. Inevitable topic of conversation: How the film's famous cyclone sequence influenced Zathura. Discuss.
· Put the final touches on the makeshift "red carpet" and angel-shaped canapes for your Emmy party no one wants to come to.