Defamer's Emmy Moments: Three Hours Of Waiting For Bob Newhart's Onscreen Murder
Let's get this out of the way, shall we? It is with heavy heart that we begin our coverage of Hollywood Biggest Night For Those Who Have Yet To Take Their Careers To The Next Level with Best Week Ever.tv's maliciously edited video clip of The Office cast member Mindy Kaling's post-victory nipple slip—not because we've suddenly developed shame over trumpeting such things, but because this happy accident was easily the most interesting thing to happen during the three-plus hour broadcast, and it's bad form to give you the best stuff up top.
Once you satisfy your baser urges (or "jollies," as we sometimes call them) by watching the clip fifteen or sixteen times, working the video player's controls to rapidly cover and uncover the wardrobe malfunction victim's barely visible areola in sync with the jaunty iTunes track of your choice, we invite you to continue on after the jump to our collection of Defamer Emmy Moments, in which we relive last night's awards show trauma with the help of our usual procession of blurry, washed-out, cameraphone-pointed-at-a-paused-TV-screen images :
Luckily, the first Tom Cruise joke, in which a crudely animated Conan O'Brien finds that the closet he's trying to hide in is already occupied by the squirrely megastar, arrived less than five minutes into the show, sparing the viewing audience the tension of waiting for someone to reference either the South Park fiasco or the actor's messy split with Paramount.
As Megan Mullally accepts her award for best supporting actress in a comedy series with an acceptance speech fondly recalling Will & Grace's long run, Debra Messing begins to well up with tears, but after remembering that she's glad to be free of her scene-stealing co-star, quickly shuts off the insincere waterworks.
Host Conan O'Brien reveals a running gag in which beloved comic Bob Newhart's air supply would be exhausted if the show crossed the three-hour mark. We found ourselves wishing for a situation that would present more immediate and palpable threat to Newhart's well-being, like if a burlap sack full of hungry, rabid ferrets were dumped into his claustrophobic glass prison each time a canceled series was recognized with an Emmy.
Presenting the award for best supporting actress in a drama series with his oft-troubled, co-nominee son should have been a surpassingly proud moment for Martin Sheen, but the satisfied smile quickly faded from the father's face as Charlie couldn't restrain his baser impulses by going off book to remark on the "filthy things" he might do to Candice Bergen and Blythe Danner if they'd agreed to meet him backstage "wearing nothing but saddle shoes and pigtails."
A clearly overwhelmed Jeremy Piven rushed through his acceptance speech for his much-deserved best supporting actor in a comedy series trophy, but after thanking his mom for being his inspiration, Piven lost sight of the blurry line between his authentic self and his now-iconic Ari Gold character, brazenly declaring that he'd planned to use his ascot to commit suicide by autoerotic asphyxiation if he'd been beaten by "that Will & Grace swish."
Stephen Colbert's heartfelt kiss of old friend and former castmate Jon Stewart after Colbert Report lost out to The Daily Show for best variety, music, or comedy series was at first a touching display of affection and good sportsmanship, then became something uncomfortably erotic as Colbert refused to break the clinch, massaging Stewart's ear with his tongue vigorously enough to distract the winner from the hand slowly snaking towards his suit's inseam.
What was intended as a triumphant return to the stage by television legend Dick Clark ended in unspeakable horror when youthful protege/nemesis Ryan Seacrest suddenly emerged from the wings, retrieved a loaded Derringer from his sock, and fired two bullets into his clearly weakened mentor's chest, shouting, "New Year's Rockin' Eve is mine! Mine, old man! All mine!" Seacrest was allowed to choke out bittersweet sobs in solitude for a few moments, but disappointed security personnel eventually escorted him off stage when it became clear that he would not turn the gun on himself.
Jeremy Irons after winning his Emmy for best supporting actor in a miniseries or movie: "I suppose that some of you gathered here today are wondering why film actors seem to win so many Emmys. It's simple, really. We're much better actors than you are, and if we're not properly rewarded for slumming, we'll stop taking these silly little television parts. Thank you."
Inside the "It's An Exquisite Torture Just To Be Nominated" Reaction Shot: Both the sweat glistening on best lead actor in a comedy series runner-up Steve Carell's brow and the small droplets of blood forming on his lower lip from the extreme pressure exerted from his incisors reveal that The Office star really thought he had Monk's Tony Shalhoub handily beaten.
While Emmy's all-seeing cameras caught the safely separated members of the feuding Spelling clan in the act of remembering Aaron Spelling with tears (Tori, it seems, was successful in being smuggled in to the ceremony underneath a catering cart), two decades of tear-duct-paralyzing cosmetic surgeries left the reunited, original Charlie's Angels unable to share in the crying portion of the moving tribute.
Awards show veteran Harrison Ford and girlfriend Calista Flockhart reached an important compromise that allowed him to accompany her to the Emmys without having the same old fight: While she would not tolerate Ford carrying along a tacky flask to the show, she did agree to let him hollow out his hands and fill them with whiskey, which he would slowly suck out through holes in his index fingers during the ceremony to stealthily maintain an acceptable level of boredom-dulling inebriation.
We have a genuine question about awards show etiquette: If a winner brings his manager as his date and he specifically thanks her in his acceptance speech (as best actor in a drama series honoree Kiefer Sutherland did with rep Suzan Bymel, above), earning a reaction shot seen by millions of viewers, is she obligated to put out?
24 producer Brian Grazer decided to allow his fellow Emmy winners to have their moment of triumph following their best drama series win, standing off to the side and quietly intoning his calming mantra, "I will not rush up to the mic and shout, Brian Grazer did this all by himself! Bow before your spikey-haired master!"
