Daniel Edwards, the pop-culture-obsession skewering/exploiting artist behind the sculpted representation of a crowning Sean Preston Spears that inflicted emotional wounds that might never fully heal, has unveiled his greatest achievement yet: Beating Tom Cruise's suspiciously delayed, baby-related product to market with a bronzed version of Suri's "first poop" that will be simultaneously auctioned for charity on eBay and displayed under glass in a Brooklyn art gallery, which he claims finally proves both the possibly imaginary offspring's existence and its health. Unfortunately, neither the image nor the press release reveals the dimensions of the petrified diaper-snake, leaving us to wonder if it was constructed to a scale that would properly reflect the waste produced by a mutant, 50-foot-tall infant.

The Smoking Gun has obtained the mugshot of corpulent-uncle-to- the-Jackass-stars Vincent "Don Vito" Margera, which we've reproduced here for your nightmare-eliciting convenience. While sitting for his booking photograph, Don Vito keeps one eye firmly trained on the door at all times, steadfastly maintaining complete innocence of having fondled two teenage girls at a Colorado autograph signing. His famous nephew, Bam Margera, stands by him—eventually—saying in a recent interview with Skateboarding.com that it was a "bad move" on his uncle's part, having merely "tapped a boob during a photo," but then quickly downgrading it to "no tappage happening" after an unidentified male voice's off-camera protests managed to convince the moron nephew that he wasn't doing his uncle any favors with his potentially incriminating version of events.

Starz, the movie channel your local cable provider helpfully packages with HBO, Showtime, or the Black Inches On Demand Network, we forget which, plans to produce 12 movies a year for all platforms. [Variety]
THR generously explains Sarah Michelle Gellar's signing on to star in the low-budget-sounding, South Korean thriller adaptation Addicted as her "hoping to continue her winning streak in the genre business," rather than "taking the only kinds of roles she's offered anymore." [THR]
Anna Faris to go blonde, dumb in a Paramount comedy about a former centerfold who becomes a sorority house mother. Excuse us, a house mother "at UCLA's lamest sorority." Prepare yourselves for the obligatory, giddy makeover scene in which Faris tarts up some of her mousy charges. [Variety]
Celebrity Duets leads Fox to a Tuesday ratings win. How the hell did this premiere without us knowing about it? Our TiVo is clearly still angry at us for making it record an entire, ultimately unwatched season of Skating with Celebrities. [THR]
Hoping to not have to dream up a completely new title for their adaptation of the British phenomenon Footballers' Wives, ABC decides to transition the show's trashy soccer spouses to American football. [Variety]

There are far too many notable passages in this coming Labor Day weekend's lengthy NY Times story (online now, for some reason) on lavishly upholstered, rapidly calcifying superproducer Robert Evans than we could possibly blockquote in a single post, so chock-full is the article with amusing, self-promotional Evanisms ("I'm a vital force to be reckoned with. I still have great ideas. Call your article 'Evans Reloaded'"; "I've been back at Paramount since 1991. The only ones back then who could have cared about buried bodies are dead and buried themselves"), respectful quotes from Paramount pals Sumner Redstone and Brad Grey expressing their desire to bronze Evans alive and install him atop their iconic water tower, ensuring he's a fixture on the lot forever, and fresh descriptions of his displeasure with Entourage's sneak attack inclusion of a doddering, Evanesque character after he kindly allowed them to shoot at his estate. But even with this aforementioned embarrassment of riches, we find ourselves again overpowered by the intensity of feeling between Evans and protege/twilight life-partner Brett Ratner, who is touchingly reserving the full application of his hacky gifts to the eventual cinematic realization of Evans' still-unpublished (and unsold) second memoir, The Fat Lady Sang:

General Motors—whose long and storied sponsorship arrangement with Survivor helped sell literally dozens of Pontiac Azteks—has announced it would be parting ways with the series this season, but that their decision was purely based upon business reasons, and not because the new gimmick of pitting races against each other might, you know, alienate 100% of their customer base. Reports Television Week:

Andy Cohen, Bravo network's executive blogging yenta, packed more starfuckery action into a single Emmy weekend than most of his peers manage in an entire awards season. Bucking the conventional wisdom that a couple can't bestow upon itself an annoying, hybrid nickname, "Brandy" (Andy + goyische manlover Bruce) dressed up to the nines in spiffy tuxedos and patent leather Gucci flip-flops, then shuffled from ceremony to soirees, later using a handy trail of dropped names and air kisses to find their way back. Some highlights:

Displeased that the too-crazy, too-expensive actor whose services he no longer required was able to so quickly arrange alternative, amusement park-based funding for his future moviemaking endeavors, enraged, superannuated Viacom potentate Sumner Redstone commanded the finest minds in his corporate empire to retaliate against Tom Cruise by lightly satirizing the star in a basic cable television promo. Later today, Cruise producing partner Paula Wagner is expected to protect her meal ticket by releasing a statement claiming that "Tom has never heard of Spike TV, and is too busy to be bothered with this nonsense, as we are about to announce an exciting partnership with the Legoland California people."

Never underestimate the psychic toll a messy break-up can take on an individual, even a two-time Oscar-winning actress. According to a National Enquirer report, so distraught was Hilary Swank in the aftermath* of her jettisoning of longtime househusband Chad Lowe that she reverted emotionally to a much less famous stage of her life, one where sleeping with her agent seemed like a reasonable thing to do (he'd make her feel pretty, and maybe score her some better auditions), and not a shocking violation of the unspoken rules governing the sexual conduct of the A-list caste. Relates The Scoop:

Enjoy (or completely ignore, your choice!) this internal Microsoft "training video" starring Ricky Gervais that the software monolith is trying so desperately to wipe from the face of the internets.
· Broadcast journalism tip: Make sure your mic is turned off before you run off the bathroom to blab about your life in the middle of a Presidential news conference.
The first phrase that comes to mind that rivals Costner and Kutcher Promote New Movie in its ability to deter clickthroughs is Go Here To Receive Ball Cancer.
Tom Cruise only has amusement park money, so maybe he still might be interested in some of these occupations.
Even Chinese video pirates are sick of Cruise's behavior. [via DVD Dossier]

There is nothing in this life we enjoy more than stories recounting the petty squabbles of powerful men, so imagine for a moment our delight over today's NY Post article dedicated to the ongoing, though somewhat disappointingly one-sided, bloodfeud between generously betoothed future galactic despot Les Moonves of CBS Corp. and his favorite new pincushion, Viacom's Tom Freston. The Post gives us an overdue State of the Slap-Fight update:

• Paula Abdul [YouTube]

While Jeremy Piven had the liver-pampering foresight to arrange corporate sponsorship of his post-Emmy ceremony alcohol needs, guests at the TV Academy's Governor's Ball seeking to distract themselves from the angel-shaped void in their lives through the magic healing power of free liquor were unpleasantly surprised to discover that getting a good buzz on was going to cost them. Kudos-crashing LAT reporter Richard Rushfield overheard at least one gripe from a displeased attendee:

· Music round-up: Plot to Blow up the Eiffel Tower at the Troubadour; Frank Black at the Pantages Theater (with the Foo Fighters and Petra Haden); Stars of Track and Field at Spaceland; Rocket and Matt & Kim at Safari Sam's.
· If you're close to the beach, bond with others who share your interest in extreme sports and bar soap at the Zest for Adventure Challenge at the Santa Monica Pier.
· Writer director Dito Montiel and actor Shia "No One Remembers That Project Greenlight Movie, Right?" LaBeouf will be hanging out to answer all your post-screening questions about A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints at the ArcLight.

Now that unexpectedly disowned, fading megastar Tom Cruise and his Cruise/Wagner Productions are swimming in amusement park money*, it won't be long before partner/Gal Friday Paula Wagner finds their soon-to-be homeless company some new office space so spectacular that it will make them forget they were ever gently cradled in Paramount's $10-million-per-year bosom. Of course, C/W's next headquarters will at first lack the personal decorating touches that make an otherwise sterile workspace feel warm and inviting, so we've helpfully compiled a list of terrifying lovingly crafted, Cruise-inspired art (the skeptical might question the intentions of the Clown Cruise refrigerator magnet's creator, but great works of creativity are open to interpretation) for sale on eBay that will remind the actor and his employees whom they really work for: the fans who still connect with Cruise's endearingly eccentric side.

Tom Cruise Limited Ed Art Drawing Print, TOM CRUISE CLICK ME BABY MOUSEPAD, Hilarious Tom"Clown" Cruise Jumbo Fridge Magnet!, Tom Cruise - Original Oil Painting on Canvas, Tom Cruise Oil Painting - Limited Canvas Edition, TOM CRUISE ORIGINAL PAINTING SILK SIGNED

UPDATE: Thanks to commentator kid icarus for pointing out that this clip is actually from Diddy's daily video blog on his Bad Boy Records page on YouTube.

Not since December's The 40-Year-Old Virgin Hyphen Affair have we stumbled across a movie promotion-related typographical error controversy as potentially explosive as the The Black Dahlia Aaron Heckhart Situation, in which the actor's name is clearly misspelled on banner advertisements our readers have spotted on both LATimes.com and, ahem, this very page [see above composite image]. Online advertising copy editors will be bludgeoned with laptops displaying Eckhart's IMDb page, phone calls fielded from CAA in which the phrase, "Aaron shits bigger than your stupid little period movie!" is angrily intoned, and burlap sacks brimming with defenseless kittens drowned in the L.A. river as apologetic offerings to offended parties. In the end, the typo will be fixed, but no one will ever be the same.

In Edinburgh to host a TV festival's "South Park Masterclass," Matt Stone told the audience that Saddam Hussein has been subjected to South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut during his trial, the animated feature-length film in which Hussein is portrayed as Satan's selfish and meanspirited gay lover. Reports The Sun:

Though NBC's Emmy ratings were shitty, the network at least avoided the shame of hosting the Shittiest-Rated Emmys Ever.
[Variety]
Two shocking developments out of ABC: Jimmy Kimmel Live is still on the air (is Snoop Dogg still co-host?), and it's been renewed through 2008. The show plans to celebrate its first 3 1/2 years of existence with the whimsically titled special, Jimmy Kimmel Live's All-Star Salute to Jimmy Kimmel Live!. The fun never stops. [THR]
BET founder Robert L. Johnson's production company for making African-American-centered films, Our Stories, hires its first president and CEO, Tracey E. Edmonds, whose first act was to quickly reject partner Harvey Weinstein's suggestion to change the company's name to Urban Stories so that white people would feel less guilty about ignoring their output. [Variety]
· We're not sure we want to live in a world where someone can set up a movie based on the lives of Elisabeth and Andrew Shue. [THR]
Cruise/Wagner's Paula Wagner cites the "synergy" between her company and the amusement park moneymen who will bankroll their overhead and development costs as the reason for their unconventional partnership, as well as the fact that the diminutive actor has long sought friends who could "sneak him onto the big boy rides at Magic Mountain." That's right, with so many ripe areas to choose from, we go for the hacky height joke. [Variety]

It seems that Paramount is delivering on its pledge to donate a portion of its opening weekend ticket sales to charity, sending 2.6 million guilt-defraying U.S. dollars to various 9/11-related causes:

Angelina Jolie may be taking great pains to avoid having to see or speak to her father Jon Voight, but that does little to deter him from trying, using the somewhat unorthodox, bad-grandpa technique of sending messages of love to his daughter, son-in-law, and their pancultural grandchildren through the nearest available red carpet lens. Matters were rendered even worse when he recently offered an impromptu Happy Birthday message to Maddox, and soon confused his toddler granddaughter Zahara with a 29-year-old Columbian pop star whose most recent album is called "Oral Fixation Vol. 2."