PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so start sending them in more often. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let the world hear all about the time you spotted television's Blossom, Mayim Bialik, looking so damn fine she nearly knocked the gay right out of you.

This week's Scriptland column, the LAT's weekly spelunking expedition into the dark, dank caves where the little-seen, bizarrely bioluminescent creatures known as "screenwriters" can be found, follows up last week's feel-good, kicked-gambling-addiction-to-Hollywood-riches fable with another "It Writer" creation story, this time looking at how stripper/blogger/memoirist Diablo Cody was discovered by a manager in the course of his daily porn-surfing routine:

For far too long, the government looked the other way as Malibu's most celebrated citizens squatted upon their 24-carat gilded commodes and flushed away their perfect, odorless bowel movements into potentially environmentally unsafe septic tanks, the toxic runoff from which may be tainting the glorious, placid ocean their beachside compounds overlook. Now, however, this unacceptably laissez faire attitude towards celebrity excretions is coming to an end, as environmental regulators will try and determine the source of local ocean pollution:

Comedy Central prankster laureates Matt Stone and Trey Parker have a gift for bullshitting reporters—only recently they had the European media reporting that Saddam Hussein was being tortured with forced viewings of the South Park movie—which is something you may want to keep in mind as you read Page Six's account of the duo's Electric Kool-Aid Academy Awards:

From the overflowing Nobody Knows Anything file: NBC is finding that all of their promotion of Studio 60 hasn't yet bought a hit, while lesser-hyped Heroes is getting the results that Aaron Sorkin is being paid untold millions to deliver. [Variety]
Rachael Ray scores the best opening week syndicated ratings since Dr. Phil, ushering in a new, perkier era of midday talk show evil. [THR]
In Russia, Kazakh period epic Nomad may face off against Borat for control of the "screen image" of the recently prank-besieged Central Asian nation. If Fox actually releases the Borat movie over there, the nomads aren't going to stand a chance against Sacha Baron Cohen's merciless, culture-ravaging onslaught. [Variety]
Dancing with the Stars crushes first-hour timeslot rival Friday Night Lights, which NBC will probably soon move from Tuesday night to Fridays to alleviate viewer confusion over its currently misleading title. [THR]
Kanye West is returning to William Morris after a brief, unsatisfying fling with CAA. Say it with us now: "CAA doesn't care about black people." [Variety]

Enduring pop icon and Savior-incarnate Madonna has made good on her promise to heal, school, and feed 1000 Malawi orphans, an African country she carefully chose by shutting her eyes and stopping a spinning globe in the drawing room of her English manor house with a lucky riding crop. But not satisfied to merely ensure the children receive the proper care and a Kabbalah-centric education, the singer, who landed in the capital city of Lilongwe for the first time today, has picked out one lucky orphan to call her "mom":

While they've always been the most faithful chronicler of the goings on outside of Hyde, the local establishment which currently plays host to Hollywood's peripatetic high school cafeteria, today TMZ.com seems particularly obsessed with documenting the action unfolding in the vicinity of the venue's front door, having already put up four Hyde-related posts by noon. A round-up of things
that the site's omnipresent camera picked up last night:

If you are anything like us, your wall calendars are currently covered in a series of large, red Xs ending at yesterday's encircled date, with the words "Rosie's Big Nip/Tuck Sex Scene!" enthusiastically scribbled within. The steamy encounter between Dr. Christian Troy and O'Donnell's lottery-winning lipo patient, Dawn Budge (video above), answers many of our lingering erotic questions relating to the current title holder of Loudest Voice on The View. Namely: 1. What's the going rate for ten minutes of coming into naked contact with her? ($420,000.) 2. Does she talk during sex? (Yes, about mac and cheese.) And, finally, 3. Is an invasive procedure like liposuction guaranteed to make a noticeable difference in the contour of your jiggly lunchlady arms? (Apparently not.)

Because every story has a Hollywood angle if you dig deep enough, even those involving the e-seduction of teenagers via the instant messages of a horny Congressman, the THR discovers that disgraced Republican page-predator Mark Foley was considered an "effective champion for the industry" and an "ally" by insiders:

Just when we thought we were finally ready to choose between the cutely conflated Vaughniston and Vaughnnifer nicknames that never really seemed to adequately represent the fusing of their public personas, Us Weekly is reporting that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, the on-screen/off-screen tabloid darlings who found suspicious, conveniently timed love on the set of The Break-Up, have called it quits. Upon hearing the news (which, like their recent engagement rumors, is still subject to a vigorous publicist denial), we were nearly too incapacitated with sadness to look up The Break-Up's DVD release date, but after we were through shattering every reflective surface in our home and the five-minute seizure resulting from the contemplation of this latest blow to the notion of romantic love subsided, we determined that it's due out on October 17th. We sincerely hope that the unwelcome publicity that is sure to surround the dissolution of their union doesn't harm the financial prospects of the movie, which regardless of its sell-through rate, will remain a beautiful cinematic testament to a relationship that burned too brightly.

Superstar-in-turnaround Jim Carrey, whom you undoubtedly remember recently had two high-profile projects shelved because of studios' reasonable fears of the budget overruns associated with the daily filming of two-hour improvisations centered on shiny props with which the actor might become fascinated, has left his latest project (along with co-star Cameron Diaz and director Gabriele Muccino, to be fair), A Little Game Without Consequence, just about two weeks before the planned start of filming. Variety writes the film's likely obituary, citing the usual "creative differences" as the cause of death:

· Celebrities terminate their unwanted pregnancies, just like us!
· George Clooney kicks off his paparazzi-foiling master plan by allowing himself to be photographed with a Deal or No Deal briefcase-opening technician. He's really mixing things up right off the bat.
· Finding a dead, gay Republican in her bed was just too much for Carrie Fisher's sobriety to bear.
For the latest in Mark Foley-related fun, we once again refer you to page-protective sister site Wonkette, where dramatic readings of old naughty IMs and links to new, naughty IMs are readily available.
These fake Free Anna Nicole shirts only hint at the hastily designed, topical Cafe Press delights to come.

The rumors have been circulating for months, but only now is E! News confirming the exciting Tori Spelling news we have all been secretly praying would come to be: Our little princess is knocked up!

TMZ.com has unveiled the second installment of their de facto infomercial for the Screech sex tape, complete with a new clip from the video featuring Dustin Diamond's "co-stars." Luckily, their faces are pixelated, their voices digitally altered, and are only vaguely described as "from the heart of the Midwest and in their early 20's," which should at least temporarily forestall the unprecedented shame they will experience for accepting a gig that even the most emotionally ravaged porn star would refuse for the purpose of maintaining some elemental shred of dignity. (TMZ has also helpfully included celebrity smut-puddler David Hans Schmidt's entire promotional itinerary, so you'll know where you can next catch him hawking his wares.) As an alternative to the new preview footage, we offer this clip of SNL's Weekend Update coverage of the story, which while not all that funny, at least makes us feel less complicit in assisting Diamond's attempt to ride a Dirty Sanchez back to semi-fame. Isn't even a highly theoretical sex act sacred anymore?

· Music round-up: Mark Mallman and Castaneda at Safari Sam's; Ozma at the Troubadour; The Boxing Lesson at Spaceland.
· Comedy legend Bob Newhart, recently seen narrowly escaping a grisly suffocation death in a glass booth on stage at the Emmys, signs new book I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This! tonight at Vroman's.
· Come celebrate your ironic rocking of an underappeciated facial hair configuration at a screening of The Glorious Mustache at Cinespace.

Besides owning the bragging rights to the title of "co-star of the second-highest-grossing Ashton Kutcher vehicle currently in theaters," Kevin Costner also has a significant stake in the Midnight Star casino in South Dakota—a pit-stop on the way to Vegas where Clark W. Griswold-types can drag their families and enact lifelong Old West gambling fantasies before loading up on souvenir fleeces and Costner DVDs in the gift shop on their way out of town. Costner is now attempting to squeeze out his two business partners, who may only own a grand total of 6.5% of the business, but who are making the buyout as painful as possible:

In an interview with Radar to promote his role in the upcoming Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, R. Lee Ermey, Hollywood's go-to guy for scary, creatively profane authority figure parts, lets slip (i.e., probably doesn't give a shit whom he tells) that the director might not have had the best creative chemistry with star Tom Cruise on Eyes Wide Shut:

If you've ever wondered about what it might be like to work on a Michael Bay set, but feel that actually signing up to be an extra on one of his films is a risk to your emotional health that you're not willing to take (even if there's a self-esteem-repairing craft services therapist on call), we suggest you watch this video of the downtown Transformers shoot posted on The Jay.com. In just two-and-half minutes, it seems to offer a safe simulation of what a typical day of filming on any Bay production would be like: a lot of tense standing around near carefully demolished, smoldering vehicles while Bay screams through a megaphone, which eventually culminates in a couple of seconds of disappointing action.

We somehow missed this when they originally posted it yesterday (we blame Yom Kippur for no good reason at all), but TMZ.com shared this photo of a theater in Orange City, Iowa, where—irony alert!—locals raised more of a stink about the ass-bearing title of Jackass Number Two decorating the marquee than about the movie's ass-baring content, and whose new, ostensibly sanitized title—double irony alert!!—is far more offensive than the original. If nothing else, the Holland Plaza Theater's Jackbutt Two brainstorm has taken the creative challenge out of what the inevitable gay porn version will be named, and which will detail the erotic, CBT adventures of stars Johnny Coxxville and Bottom Margera.

20th Century Fox wins a bidding war for the rights to Moneyball author Michael Lewis' just-released football book The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game, his latest sport-related tome that a studio hopes to one day figure out how to make into a movie. [Variety]
The Bourne Ultimatum began shooting this week without a bad guy, but an offer has gone out to Gael Garcia Bernal. Should Universal not close a deal with Bernal and fail to find another acceptable antagonist, the story will be hastily rewritten to have Matt Damon battle only his inner demons. [THR]
While the fictional Studio 60 triumphantly added 9 percent to its promising premiere numbers and temporarily got monotone, constantly half-smiling network president Jordan McDeere off the hot seat, the real Studio 60 was down 17 percent in the key demo from last week and 30 percent from its first episode. NBC president Kevin Reilly is probably not kissing Aaron Sorkin on the cheeks and thanking him for saving his job quite yet. [Variety]
· Democratic governor hopeful Phil Angelides pledges his support for the entertainment industry, but makes the crucial miscalculation of not working in memorable quotes from his action film career at every opportunity. [THR]
· Fans of international film financing deals will find find their naughty parts pleasantly atingle as they read the details of the $300 million in funding Paramount has lined up —just try not to get up from your desk until the erection subsides, money nerd. [Variety]