Friday
· Music round-up: The Noisettes at the Troubadour; The Long Blondes at the Echo; Sage Francis at the Henry Fonda.
· We may have had a laugh at the expense of the Daytime Emmy Awards a little while ago, but that's only so you wouldn't suspect the truth: that we're staying in tonight to watch on CBS, weeping like little girls when Lee Phillip Bell gets that lifetime achievement award. Is that sad? Why yes, yes it is.
· The Staples Center hosts the Toast to Downtown wine-tasting benefit, described by the LA Weekly thusly: "Ah, downtown L.A., where people defecate in the street, heroin is plentiful and the great L.A. River spews by. Come eat and drink to it all!" Sold!
Saturday
· More music: Lavender Diamond at the Troubadourat Avalon; The Playboy Jazz Festival at the Hollywood Bowl.
· Matenopolous! Dukakis! Kanarkaredes! The Los Angeles Greek Film Festival is going on all weekend, culminating in a awards ceremony Sunday night.
Sunday
· It's Father's Day! If you are a dad or have a dad, there is an exciting kite-flying opportunity awaiting you in Silver Lake.
· The fatherless can always drown their misery in the jubilant sounds of samba at Brazilian Summer Festival at the Ford Theater.

Airing tonight on CBS—your home for awards shows no one cares about!-Daytime Emmys producers were willing to try bold and unorthodox gimmicks to increase viewership, such as literally installing 200 hysterical soap fans on the stage alongside the presenters and winners. It's a prospect that doesn't sit well with some nominees:

Last week, Slate's Kim Masters reported that NBC Universal boss Jeff Zucker was starting to discover that the brash up-and-comer he'd just handpicked might be, to use the most delicate terms possible, a "voracious party animal." Today, in diving deep into All Things Ben Silverman, DHD's Nikki Finke discusses at length TV's leading Colombian tetas importer's "liberal attitudes towards marijuana use," noting that a delay in the completion of his NBC deal could put off the ceremonial turnover of his urine sample until after the Fourth of July holiday, giving Silverman plenty of time to clear his golden stream of THC. Rather than embrace the positive and take this alleged affinity for the bong (there is absolutely no truth to the rumor we just made up that Silverman tried to rename NUTS as 420 Studios before being forced to go with the safer Universal Media Studios by a mellow-harshing suit) as a sign that their new executive isn't a narc trying to take down the entire network from the inside, Zucker has apparently chosen to fret about the situation. Reports Finke:

The Single File Eyes blog notices the disturbing similarity of the arrangement of the actors on the License to Wed one-sheet to the female reproduction system, a design we have to assume is intended to subliminally attract the film's targeted audience into theaters. It's a stroke of genius, really, as we've been so mesmerized by the side-by-side that the poster's central figure has completely melted into the uterus, making us forget that Robin Williams is even in the movie.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time Warren Beatty displayed poor elevator button-pressing etiquette.

Today brings an update to PinkberryGate, the scandal that rocked the tangy-frozen-dessert industry to its very core. Charges were levied last month against the rapidly proliferating treat concern that it was falsely marketing its product—made from a powder-based formula comprised of finely ground panda bones and unicorn horns—as yogurt. An update to their website assured customers steps were being taken to investigate what, exactly, the company was serving at grossly inflated prices to its legions of fanatical customers.

Join us in reflecting upon the kindness of this week's sponsors, a group so gentle they'd never dream of dispatching a crazed squrriel with a crutch, even if the creature had a taste for deliciously aged septuagenarian flesh. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and prove your compassion for the animal kingdom, see this page.

· Displaying the kind of out-of-the-box vision that recently won him NBC's top programming job at the tender age of 19 (so young, we know!), Ben Silverman has acquired the rights to the Colombian televovela Sin tetas no hay paraiso (Without Breasts There is No Paradise), the story of a woman who seeks a breast enlargement as a solution to her poverty and gets entangled in prostitution. "I scour the world for the best ideas and for the game-changing hit shows and Sin Tetas is one of those shows," crowed Silverman about his get. "Dude, it's like my huge ABC success Ugly Betty, but with hookers and big tits. I've got another winner here, I just know it." [Variety]
· And with leadership like that, why wouldn't NBC Universal be "upbeat" about their network's prospects? [THR]
· The Middle East is hottest war-torn setting in Hollywood right now, with "at least six" films about the region on the way between June and early 2008. [Variety]
· Bruce Willis and daughter Rumer will spend some quality time together building up their family business on the set of The Sophomore, a "teenage take on Chinatown." Unfortunately, Mischa Barton, once famously out-acted by some scene-hogging patio furniture in a pivotal moment on The OC, is also attached to the intriguing project. [THR]
· Speaking of the Willis family business, Rumer step-dad Ashton Kutcher is producing another movie. Details available, but uninteresting. [Variety]

Bravo's Andy Cohen—by far our favorite of all TV programming executives who also happen to maintain a dishy, deeply personal daily journal on their company's website—minces no words whenever airing out his show business grievances on his blog. (We're reminded of the time he issued a Gay Fatwa against songbird Jessica Simpson, about whom he wrote, "I can't stand the sight of her stupid blank face.") Today, Cohen has equally harsh words for a C-list celebrity duo gearing up to dazzle Broadway audiences with some precision jazz-hand choreography:

While Paris Hilton's ongoing incarceration is tragically delaying her intention to emerge from prison the Nelson Mandela of the bottle-service set, her mere presence at the Century Regional Detention Facility is already improving conditions for her fellow detainees. Initially, we scoffed at Kathy Hilton's suggestion that her daughter's "whole ordeal can shed light on other people (in jail)," but the Access Hollywood testimony of a recent inmate reveals that Paris's stay has resulted in the immediate doubling of prioners' PBJ and bologna sandwich allotment and unexpected early releases; at this rate, by the end of the noble prison-reformer's sentence, the Lynwood "Hilton Suite" will be offering three gourmet meals per day, bunk-bed turndown service, and hot rock massages to all guests who volunteer to extend their stays.

We're amazed that TMZ's war-zone-quality Star Catcher cameraman has not previously come under gunfire in the course of documenting every B-lister who passes through the entrances and hidden egresses of the city's most dangerous Hollywood hotspots, as the lawless streets between Teddy's and Hyde are littered with the bodies of paparazzi who angered the wrong Glock-packing One Tree Hill star. But while staking out the Roosevelt Hotel last night, the TMZ crew found itself in the middle of a brief firefight between an unknown assailant rolling by in a car and the hotel's wall, an eruption of violence that left one civilian injured by ricocheting debris. Mercifully, exiting Teddy's VIP Kathy Griffin was left unscathed, but police are investigating "promising" leads suggesting that either the rival, Bravo-affiliated Hey Paula Locos or the Ex-Hubby Bloods might have been behind the shooting.

In what is easily the tensest minute of television since the Man in the Members Only Jacket rose from his seat and disappeared into the Haltson's restroom to void his bladder, motormouthed premium-cable Hollywood agent Jeremy Piven faced off this morning against sinewy Regis Philbin sidekick Kelly Ripa in a test of strength. Promising to double the number of push-ups banged out by Ripa, Piven dropped to the floor alongside his foe, ready to prove to the world that he will not be emasculated by ninety pounds of morning show host.

· Critics who demand consistency from famous people about the various causes in which they dabble are going to shit themselves when they read this story about how Angelina Jolie didn't want to talk to Fox News (or about her orphan-collecting efforts) during the junket for A Mighty Heart, a movie in which she plays the journalist widow of a slain reporter—the very same profession she sought to destroy with her truculence and speech-suppressing legal waivers. Have we so soon forgotten that she rocked a laudably frugal $26 outfit at her premiere? Surely she deserves a pass on this one.
· "An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch." You're really going to want to read the whole story. Trust us.
· Sadly, there is a dark side to Space Chimps, but we're not going to let it dampen our enthusiasm for the project. Space Chimps!
· This is all the Tony watching we'll ever need to do.

Realizing that even a Daily Inspiration from Fran Drescher ("Once you wake up and smell the coffee, it's hard to go back to sleep," counsels The Nanny, cryptically) and an online shopping spree for sassy "Wife Goes On" tanktops would probably not be enough to distract Gigi Levangie from the stress of today's announcement about the end of her marriage to one of the most powerful men in Hollywood, the USA Network's web team whipped up the therapeutic Whack-a-Grazer tool for their Starter Wife creator. With just a few mouse clicks, simulacra of her favorite Birkin bag, Motorola Razr, and Louboutin pumps would soon crash into the spikey-haired head of her virtual ex over and over again, speeding her on the path to marital catharsis.

Forbes magazine, America's most trusted source for lists of really rich famous people accompanied by little blurbs explaining why these famous people are so rich, has released its annual Celebrity 100, featuring highly recognizable titans from the world of showbiz, sport, and song, all ranked according to their proprietary four-point power-classifying algorithm. While Earthly deity Oprah occupies the top position, Brad Pitt is not far behind at #5, a full nine spots above do-gooding domestic life-partner Angelina Jolie. It's a juxtaposition that lies in humorous contrast to the reality of the couple's day-to-day lives, where Jolie can at any given moment be overhead shouting from behind a computer monitor for her chief orphan wrangler to pick up the pace of his playroom tidying efforts, if the couple plans on making it to that evening's black-tie charity fundraiser before the keynote speaker has begun.

Just a little over one month away is the moderately anticipated release of Hairspray, featuring, as far as we know, the first fully authorized recorded drag appearance of Hollywood's second favorite OT-VIII family man, John Travolta. For those of you who simply cannot wait, however, the MTV Movies Blog has an exclusive sneak preview clip. The scene prominently features Travolta's Edna Turnblad, delivering her dialogue in an utterly inscrutable Southern-ish accent (doesn't it take place in Baltimore?) in a register slightly deeper than Travolta's own, and with none of the actor's trademarked, hip-gyrating moves—possibly all the result of reluctant concessions made to Church officials, who voiced serious concerns over how a flouncy, cross-dressing turn from one of their most high-profile lieutenants might affect the bottom-line numbers of their summer/fall 2007 recruitment drive.

· Music round-up: Casiotone for the Painfully Alone at the Echo; Sleepytime Gorilla Museum at the Troubadour; The Henry Clay People at The Scene.
·Dave Hill brings his eponymous Explosion variety show to the UCB Theatre, where he will be joined by special guest Ian Ziering, whose fame is so towering we hardly need to remind you of his past achievements.
· Performance artist/writer/actress/musician Ann Magnuson blows your mind with a "multimedia concert" of selections from her CD Pretty Songs & Ugly Stories at the Hammer.

A heartfelt thanks goes out to the Defamer Special Correspondent on Meaningless Honors Involving Personalized Stars And Filthy Slabs of Sidewalk, who braved the throng of crazed View groupies assembled to gape in awe as Barbara Walters took her place on the Walk of Fame today to send us the above photograph. Before seeing this indelible image, we feared that the Paris Liberation Front had lost all of its momentum, its message drowned out by the voices of an unreasonable mob who won't be satisfied until they can bathe in the heiress's privileged blood. But now that we know that her noble cause has been taken up by tireless crusader for justice Guy Wearing An Ill-Fitting Spider-Man Suit In Front of the Chinese Theatre, hope has been restored that Hilton will be freed from her unacceptable persecution sooner than any of us dare dream.

Proving there is literally no showbiz pageant title a resourceful programming exec can't magically produce from his ass during an afternoon conference call and quickly slap together into a television event for the ages, Fox Reality is proud to present its hunt for America's Next Top-Heavy Horror Movie Hostess. That's right, aspiring Mistresses of the Dark—Elvira needs a sidekick! From the press release:

Readers of the hard-copy of today's Variety were greeted by a promotional cover needily advocating the Emmy-worthiness of the entire Grey's Anatomy ensemble, including recovering castectomy patient Isaiah Washington, whose vaguely menacing photo is separated from that of nemesis T.R. Knight by a five-actor buffer.