· Remember that Tom Cruise guy? Black Book's Carice Van Houten will be starring opposite him in Valkyrie, Cruise's big Hitler-hunting comeback picture. [THR]
· A big day in Cruise news: Daniel Snyder, who famously hooked up Cruise with some rent money and a theme-park greeter job when the actor was down on his luck after his dumping by Paramount, has bought Dick Clark Productions, producers of the Golden Globes. Ownership of Dick Clark himself was not transferred in the deal. [Variety]
· Jack Black and director Todd Phillips are partnering for the Warner Bros. comedy Man-Witch, whose entire concept is encapsulated in those incredibly efficient hyphenated words. Also mistakenly purchased before the magic-related project were the rights to Manwich, the story of a average schlub's love of Sloppy Joe-style sandwiches, when the Warner Bros. development executive yelped "We're buying it if Jack Black is in it!" before allowing the writers to complete their pitch. [Variety]
· NBC scores with their Dateline interview of Princes William and Harry, but our new favorite summer show, Kittens Vs. Cougars: The Battle To Bone Mark Philippoussis, premiered unimpressively for the network. [THR]
· Disney signs Wild Hogs auteur Walt Becker to a first-look deal, where he will direct and produce a variety of John Travolta-starring comedy projects. [Variety]

Still waking up slick with nightsweats at the passing of every traffic copter, anticipating that another airborne invasion by local news vultures is at hand, residents of Paris Hilton's neighborhood are preparing for the media Apocalypse that awaits them when the world's most famous political prisoner is released from her unjust imprisonment. Notes Gatecrasher's Ben Widdicombe:

While Isaiah Washington's dishonorable discharge from Grey's Anatomy may have been greeted with silent, satisfied approval from a significant portion of Hollywood's velvet community—comforted in the knowledge that their telekinetic Gay Death Rays were still functioning at maximum, career-annihilating capacity—other members of the LGBT community were less than pleased with the outcome. Lesbian and African American blogger Jasmyne Cannick, for example, strongly feels Washington's termination was just the latest example of a racist shitcanning trend emerging at ABC:

To celebrate a summer movie season that has delivered an unprecedented, soul-crushing string of record-breaking pirate-, ogre-, and superhero-related sequels, MPAA spirit squad captain Dan Glickman has grabbed his pom-poms and megaphone and headed for the Huffington Post to lead the world in a call-and-response "Holly!"..."WOOD!" cheer, careful not to tear anything amid his flurry of ecstatic scissor-kicks. Glickman reminds us that the while the MySpaces and the YouTubes may have their place in modern life, nothing beats a wholesome trip to the multiplex to watch horny college girls get eviscerated by sadistic hostel-keepers for old-fashioned community-building:

While the Grazers opted for the somewhat noisier method of announcing the end of their marriage in Page Six last Thursday, today Paramount emperor Brad Grey and his wife of 25 years whispered news of a trial separation to gossip dowager Liz Smith, perhaps hoping that the superannuated columnist would become distracted by filling various dishes placed around her home with hard candy and forget to publish the item. Unfortunately for the Greys, professionalism prevailed, and now all the industry mourns the loss of yet another high-profile relationship:

· If there's any blowback from NBCU corporate following Friday's DHD story about Ben Silverman's alleged 420-friendliness, the template for his salvation has already been established by his Peacock hero, Brandon Tartikoff. All he needs to do is grab some of his pals from The Office, cut a quickie The More You Know PSA about staying off the dope, and all will be forgiven.
· Is it possible to love the White Stripes too much? We think it is.
· OMG! She. Met. Angie! For reals! In person! And guess what? She's skinny!
· Tom Cruise is Becks' bestest BFF ever! He flew all the way to Madrid and pretended to care about his big soccer thingy.
· Breaking: Paris cooperative.

Kristy Swanson is just the latest in a spate of Hollywood bimbos to swoop in on Canuck homes and snatch away their males like some demon race of bottle-blond, Canadian-man-craving succubi. In this case, the prize was her Skating with the Stars partner Lloyd Eissler, who abandoned his wife and two children to better pursue a love forged in the heat of third-tier reality show competition. A tense family reunion, meanwhile, got ugly Friday when Swanson allegedly turned all Buffy the Figure Skater's Ex-Wife Slayer on her romantic foe:

While vacationing abroad, the Defamer Special Correspondent on the International Impact of Ill-Advised Celebrity Inmate Venue Changes had time to file this brief report on how one city's residents are treating a visiting player from the Hilton Home-Imprisonment Debacle who was in their country to participate in a global security conference:

Britney Spears' lawyers have dispatched an angry letter to Clear Channel Communications, insisting upon the removal of billboards for a syndicated Florida radio show featuring an unflattering photo of the singer taken shortly after her very public, hair-shedding break with reality. The implication—for anyone looking for something approaching logic on a radio show billboard ad—is that the troubled pop icon is as cuckoo as anything you might experience on MJ Kelli's wild and wacky morning show. Britney's people are also currently mulling their "suing your Clear-Channeling asses to Kingdom Come" option, reports TSG:

· Music round-up: The Shys at the Viper Room; The Horrors at the El Rey; Burning Brides at the Echo.
· Neal "Alternadad" Pollack and Dana "A Famous Writer/Comedian We Assume Also Has Children" Gould join in Largo's Dia De Los Padres celebration.
· Ritch Shydner and Mark Schiff read from I Killed:True Stories of the Road From America's Top Comics at the Memorial Branch Library.

After being informed on Friday that their health insurance benefits had been yanked retroactive to June 1st, disgruntled assistants over at the Innovative Artists agency are deciding whether to stage a sick-out or to burn down the place in protest, driving their insured oppressors into the street and letting every important call go unrolled. Var spoke to one of the affected staffers, who planned to discuss their strategy over lunch today:

On the occasion of the birth of her third child, we at Defamer would like to offer an apology to Julia Roberts, for we've been so consumed with one-time dabbler in biological reproduction Angelina Jolie's every orphan-collecting whim that we've allowed ourselves to fall tragically out of touch with the Most Powerful Womb in Hollywood, forgetting that Roberts was even pregnant. This oversight on our part is especially embarrassing, as Roberts, unlike Jolie, has never publicly commented on the overprivileged blobbiness of her "real" children or used the press to work through any complicated feelings about the difficult decision to choose her empty uterus over crowded Third World orphanages, a noble commitment to privacy that deserves far more media attention than it currently receives. We promise to do better with the next pregnancy, assiduously tracking it with our finest gigantic red arrows from the earliest Us Weekly baby-bump to eventual exclusive People announcement of its healthy birth weight.

For a generation of Americans too young to remember the heyday of Underoos, and for whom the once seemingly infinite universe of character-licensed underthings is now limited to the occasional SpongeBob Square Boxers or Bratz 'My First Falsies' Pre-Training Bra, today brings exciting news: Marvel and Fruit of the Loom have reached a deal to plaster the image familiar Marvel Studios characters on children's underwear:

· Watch out, Hollywood, because here comes Mitch Albom: Adam Sandler has acquired the rights to feature-writing debut (an untitled baseball comedy, if you must know) of the Five People You Meet On One More Tuesday With Morrie author, whose treacly bestsellers have been previously adapted into housewife-narcotizing TV movies. [Variety]
· In today's strangest casting pairing, Jude Law and Forest Whitaker will star in Universal's "futuristic adventure thriller" Repossession Mambo. [Variety]
· In other buddy-casting news, Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson and Nick "The Unkillable Aging Thoroughbred" Nolte have signed on to star in the Ben Stiller-directed comedy Tropic Thunder, which should create an amusing "before and after" Hollywood tableau the first time the actors share a two-shot. [Variety]
· Pirated copies of Michael Moore's Sicko proliferated on the YouTubes over the weekend, two weeks before the docimentary's opening. [THR]
· Today in writers' strike saber-rattling: The WGA West has warned its members to ignore the same old bullshit that studios are likely to spew as negotiations for a new labor agreement begin next month, such as claims that they are losing money in this terribly unprofitable entertainment business." Charges of counterbullshit by the studios include the accusation that the union is "out of touch with fast-changing showbiz realities." [Variety]

Sunday's NY Times asked some uncomfortable questions about the efficacy of the trendy, high-end rehabilitation facilities that cater to the needs of a new generation of troubled starlets too busy to endure 28 days of minimum security lockdown, no matter how luxurious their temporary accommodations. Perhaps unsurprisingly, there is some controversy over the claimed success rates of celebrity-friendly courses of treatment at places like Wonderland Center and Promises Malibu that leave its famous patients feeling so positive about themselves upon graduation that they believe they never had problems in the first place. Reports the Times:

Watching the telecast live from home, Rosie answered fan questions in real time on her blog, where she confirmed a backstage comment from best game show host winner (suck on that, Trebek) Bob Barker, who said O'Donnell—his first choice!—would be meeting with The Price is Right producers to discuss the possibility of fulfilling her long-held dream of becoming his Plinko-administrating successor. For O'Donnell, the development is a major coup, and proves kiss-assy full page ads in Variety really do work, but that will do little to console Price purists, who are dreading their visions of contestants' row bidders reaching into her pantsuit pocket to pull out Koosh Balls instead of $100 bills, and Showcase Showdown grand prizes consisting of lesbian family cruises to Antigua.

With the unbearable sexual tension produced by Ari Gold's brief estrangement from beloved client Vinnie Chase all but dissipated by the pair's speedy reunion last season, we feared that the Entourage team would immediately fall back on its Vince struggles/Vince triumphs/Team Vince high-fives while overlooking stunning Hollywood vista/credits roll formula going into its fourth season. But last night's premiere episode restored our confidence in the writing team's ability to surprise us, taking a bold creative direction by having an increasingly artistically deranged Chase decide to sabotage passion project Medellín by playing bloodthirsty drug dealer Pablo Escobar as a Colombian Tony Clifton, a self-destructive choice that not even trusty sidekick E could talk him out of by reminding him that they're just simple guys from Queens living out their show business dreams.

Like a bucket full of ice water dumped upon your slumbering form by a boss who doesn't appreciate how hard it is to get going on a Monday morning, the weekend box office numbers:

· The Sopranos finale: An era ends, abruptly, and to a cheese-rock score. The author insists it's all right there, but who says he gets the final word?
· The King of Happy Endings probably won't get one with his choice for President.
· Paris: Finding God, dropping the dumb girl act. The Lynwood return. The Hiltons plan their homecoming party just as most of the nation's farewell parties are winding down. Endeavor waits until they're sure she won't pick up to tell her she was dropped. The commemorative cupcake. Spidey to the rescue.
· Keeping up with NBC's new rock star's weekend bongventures.
· Brian + Gigi 4-Ever. Go ahead, let it out.
· Cruising around Burbank with the Transformers decal-mobile. Michael Bay says the movie's Megan Fox is pretty much exactly what meets the eye.
· A preview of the next generation of paparazzi bait.
· Bullets are fired after Kathy Griffin's leaves Teddy's. But does she have any enemies?
· Isaiah Washington: Behind his blues.
· Donald Trump to go all Professor Henry Higgins on a bunch of sluts' asses.
· Britney needs your help, y'all!
· Jeremy Piven fails to do thing he said he could do. Shame ensues.
· And in conclusion: Space Chimps.

· In other of Father's Day, we present our candidate for Dad of the Year. That kid is going to grow up strong.
· Even after a second opportunity to design the bat suit, The Dark Knight's Christopher Nolan still refuses to succumb to the rubber nipple temptation that destroyed a lesser director.
· Is The Thing about to give Invisible Girl a brick-headed Bronsky? We think he is.
· Archaeologists uncover oldest petrified Mickey Mouse popsicle on record.
· Isaiah Washington-related silences are now being broken at an incredible pace.