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Special thanks to: American Apparel, The Book of General Ignorance, Bravo, Crunch, Evian, Flavorpill, Good Luck Chuck, Inland Empire, Mandalay Bay, Rilo Kiley, Showtime, VW, Zune

· Realizing that no matter what their vision was going in for a long-planned, big-screen adaptation of Dallas, the final result would be hilarious, Regency and 20th Century have finally decided to just give up and officially make it as a comedy. Betty Thomas will direct, and John Travolta will still star as JR Ewing, playing the part in only a slightly bigger fashion as a nod to the project's new direction. [Variety]
· Once again, the DGA refuses to allow For Your Consideration DVD screeners to be sent to members for their yearly awards, forcing guild members to schlep out to screenings to see their peers' work presented as it was intended. [THR]
· Following the less-than-blockbuster results of promotions for movies like Akeelah and the Bee and Arctic Tale, Hollywood is discovering that Starbucks might not be marketing monolith that they'd had hoped it would be. Several studios are now considering scaled-back versions of the failing Starbucks experiment, such as planting paid confederates to sit by the door of The Coffee Bean and loudly shout into a cellphone about how much they loved a partner's movie. [Variety]
· It's about time someone made a RenFair comedy*: Universal buys the Rainn Wilson project Renaissance Man, about two community theater actors who hide out a renaissance fair after thinking they've killed one of their co-stars. (*For real; and no, we don't count that one part in The Cable Guy.) [THR]
· Focus Features accepts the MPAA's NC-17 rating for Ang Lee's erotically charged espionage thriller Lust, Caution for "too many scenes of artsy-fartsy fucking." [Variety]

In an inspired online promotion guaranteed to be warmly embraced by both new parents and gun-control enthusiasts alike, the always-innovative, viral-happy New Line marketing team has has produced the tie-in site Bullet Proof Baby for their upcoming Shoot 'Em Up, where potential moviegoers can dream about purchasing a wide array of consumer goods (toddler-tazers, armored cribs, My First Gas Mask) that might protect their newborn children against the kind of comically hyperbolic violence they'll soon enjoy at their local multiplex. While the site lacks the immersive interactivity of New Line's infamous "Go Down On Paul Walker's Virtual Wife" game, watching a proud mom fire a machine gun at a crib does provide a higher entertainment level overall; and, unlike its misguided Number 23 campaign, at least the baby survives this time.

Actor Austin Nichols, who recently rose to prominence playing the titular, gibberish-talking drifter in HBO's recently canceled spiritual surfing allegory (we think?) John From Cincinnati, was stopped early this morning on suspicion of driving under the influence near his family's vacation home in Michigan. From the Jackson Citizen Patriot report:

Finally, someone's devised a thoughtful way for you to recognize your favorite service professional's first step towards stardom. There's also one for producers who are too shy to broach the topic of how an aspiring actress can convince him to choose her for a coveted gig on a Guild movie. [someecards via SeanBonner]

As pointed out to us by a reader, the movie posters for this weekend's release Balls of Fury and mid-September's Mr. Woodcock demonstrate that there's no hotter trend in one-sheet design than testicular imagery that subtly reinforces the "ballsiness" of either a movie's concept or its characters. In the case of Mr. Woodcock, however, we assume that this was the studio's fallback version; while the MPAA let the Balls marketers go forward with their nonthreatening wooden phallus, they probably were never going to allow the public to see Billy Bob Thorton dangling a more conceptually appropriate, 34-inch Louisville Slugger between his legs.

Based on this surprising side-by-side, we think that overtanned High School Musical 2 Zac Efron's agent can probably get his client into the next project Jodie Foster passes on. However, Zac might need to work on the arms a little bit before taking a meeting. [The Hot Blog]

While Access Hollywood has helpfully added some subtitles to the audio of Britney Spears' rumored comeback song so that you can bring along a copy of the clip to Valley institution Sardo's legendary "Celebrity Trainwreck Karaoke Night" tonight, we think they've badly misinterpreted the potential hit single's lyrics. Indeed, "Everyday, I'm a daze," requires no explanation given Spears' half-remembered, topless hot tub encounters with loose-lipped video extras, but "So why do you desert me, baby boy?" is obviously a reference to her still-unnamed second offspring, who's developed a vexing talent for escaping his playpen each time mommy wants to spend some quality teeth-whitening time with the child.

· Paris Hilton goes to the WOW Report's gym, where her workout is monitored by both bloggers and sneaky paps: "Then, across the way, I notice a guy sitting down on the Pectoralis Major machine dressed in jeans and black shoes. He pretends to pump some iron. This is suspicious as everyone knows the Pectoralis Major machine has been out of commission for the last six months. Suddenly, the dude pulls out a telephoto lens camera from his backpack and starts snapping away at Paris while she's mid bench-press! A couple of gays shriek and point at the photographer, and within a few minutes he is escorted from the gym by a staff member."
· Here's a list of things you can do in the same amount of time Nicole Richie spent in jail.
· Anchorwoman almost definitely would have lasted longer than one episode if Steven Spielberg's name was attached to it.
· It's truly the end of an era: Jenna Jameson undergoes a sure-to-be controversial de-bazooming procedure.

Eight months after she was arrested for a painkiller-and-reefer-fueled westbound joyride on the 134 East, mom-to-be Nicole Richie quietly did what needed to be done, and checked herself into the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood at 3:15 p.m. today.

The Best Week Ever blog positively identifies this Crunk & Disorderly photo's central, pteryodactyl-flipping Neanderthal—according to the caption it was taken outside the Ivy, so we suppose they were there recently—as BWE contributor and Cavemen star Nick Kroll. This time, however, we're not going to make any crazy assumptions about ABC's involvement in the trio's obviously unauthorized activities—we're sure they rented a convertible, spent hours putting on their own elaborate makeup, and hired a location-shoot crew all on their own, just because they're the wildest, craziest, free-publicity-cravingest Cro-Magnons in primetime.

Not long after Lindsay Lohan's miracle-working attorney entered a guilty and no-contest plea for various misdemeanor counts of drunk-driving and being under the influence of blowcaine—pleas that earned the actress one! whole! day! (at least!) in jail—Lohan's image-salvation team issued this statement:

· Music round-up: Daniel Johnston at the Henry Fonda; Michael Bublé at the Greek; Mandy Moore at the House of Blues.
· In Natural Selections: A Show About Dating Woman at the UCB, the evolution of a relationship—from dating to divorce—is shown from the male perspective. Also: all the parts are played by guys for that extra layer of authenticity Beforehand, Hendershaw: Bros Before Girls primes your man-pump with more dudecentric comedy entertainment.
· As The Scene's Now Blog This! Vol. 2 showcase has that magic "blog" word in the title, we're contractually obligated to pass along word of the event. Tonight's show features The Deadly Syndrome, Le Switch, Phoenix and the Turtle, and others.

A little while ago, a representative from ABC's program publicity department wrote in to let us know that the Cavemen-on-the-street shoot encountered by a pair of our readers (whom, by the way, we know not to be affiliated with ABC) at Hollywood's Gower Gulch shopping center yesterday afternoon was not connected with the network's series. Despite our utter confusion about why some guys in Neanderthal make-up and a camera crew not on the network payroll would be chatting up the series (weird!), we are happy to pass along this clarification about ABC's avowed non-involvement in whatever it was going on at the Gulch.

And almost as quickly as it began, it's over: Anchorwoman, Fox's bold reality TV experiment in which they sought to find out what happens when a busty L.A. bimbo with zero broadcast journalism experience is placed behind a local news anchor desk (instead of some other busty bimbo plucked from the state beauty pageant circuit), has been pulled from the network's schedule after posting "dismal" ratings its premiere night. In its place will be Til Death reruns. As sad as the news is, no one can say the writing wasn't always right there on the wall—or, more specifically, the Fox Fall Preview '07 website: "How will it all turn out? Only the ratings will tell, so stay tuned for the next ANCHORWOMAN: Lauren Jones." (On a personal note, we watched, and actually enjoyed it—particularly potential breakout star Stormy the Weather Dog, who is infinitely funnier than Brad Garrett, and at the very least should get a talent holding deal out of this.)

We probably felt the same way that you did upon reading this headline from USAToday.com: Could Jerry Lewis, America's Clown Prince and host of countless muscular dystrophy telethons, have possibly uttered such callous words about recently departed friend and contemporary Merv Griffin? Well, yes—yes he did, but as in all headline-grabbing celebrity soundbites, context is everything, and what might have come off like the equivalent of fellow prostate cancer sufferer Lewis taking an intermittent pee on Griffin's freshly filled grave was instead part of a larger interview, airing tomorrow on Entertainment Tonight, in which Lewis expressed frustration that Griffin didn't immediately seek the medical care he required to beat the stubborn disease.

Please, for the love of God, go back to buying the Gap's reasonably priced denim, or the celebrity ads may never stop. [Copyranter]

Settling that case about the mean story the hotel heiress allegedly planted in Page Six about the diamond heiress who used to boink her ex-boyfriend might have cost the first heiress $2 million. Now you're all caught up on a story you forgot about a year ago. [Page Six]

In your darkest hour, when you're slumped forward on your desk, sobbing softly and convinced that rolling calls for a person you're convinced is the Anti-Christ himself is the only gig left in the world, the Defamer Job Board is there to shine a light of Hope. Be saved:

We tend not to take tips from mysterious European sources about the world's most famous celebutards lightly, ever since "The french" sent us a breathless missive fully anticipating Paris Hilton's 180° transformation from wayward flashbulb-whore to Mother Theresa-with-a-Kitson-clothing-line by several months. So when we received the following e-mail from an alleged waiter at the Antwerp Hilton, in which he described witnessing Patron Saint of Bad Mommies Britney Spears seducing another conquest in the hotel lobby, well, we thought what we had in our hot little hands was the kind of scoop lesser global Spears-tracking outfits would kill for: