We realize what many of you might need on this gloomier-than-normal Monday is some cheering up. Whether or not this clip from A&E's The Two Coreys provides that really depends on how you feel about artfully staged confrontations between two lovable 1980s heartthrobs who are forced to cohabitate, for various economic and drama-heightening reasons. For us, nothing washes away the darkness buried beneath every successful actor's shiny facade than watching two fallen stars fake-fighting over the woman who came between them. (If you're still not feeling the sunshine, take a moment to consider just how far Corey H. has come since the episode in which he learns he's been shut out of the Lost Boys direct-to-video sequel. The kid is back!)

Somebody in the child welfare business just got that Us Weekly subscription approved: After weeks of tabloid stories implying that skinny-dipping with a random college co-ed in Vegas, allegedly drinking in front of the kids, and reportedly shoving a bodyguard who is holding your son are somehow inappropriate acts, America's poster child for staying in school (not this one; the other one) is rumored to be under investigation by L.A. County officials for something potentially a lot worse than trying to Brite Smile her kids' choppers:

· Hollywood Out of Ideas: Let's Stick Neo in Another End-of-the- World-with- Robots-Movie Edition: Fox greenlights a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still, starring Keanu Reeves. [Variety]
· American Eagle, purveyors of fine, outdoorsy shmatahs to mall-patrons everywhere, has actually launched an "entertainment production arm," and is rushing several web-based projects into productions. We don't know about you, but we're thrilled The Adventures of Sensible, Double-Pleated, Triple-Washed Chinos finally got the greenlight it deserved. [Variety]
· The Bourne Ultimatum continues to dominate the international box office—particularly Denmark, where national treasure Matt Damon's birthday is feted with a symbolic dumping of a Minnie Driver-alike in a staged ceremony attended by tens of thousands. [Variety]
· South Park's evil geniuses Matt Stone and Trey Parker have their contract renewed at Paramount, a juicy ad-sharing deal which will guarantee the duo "$75 million over the next four years," ensuring many more adventures for Lemmiwinks in the Land of Mr. Slave's Bowels. [THR]
· Hollywood Nepotismwatch: Paramount Vantage greenlights its first deal with Will Ferrell and Adam McKay's Gary Sanchez Prods.—The Goods: The Don Ready Story, set to star none other than McKay's brother-in-law, Jeremy Piven. Now you know who your sister has to fuck to get a job in this town.

In other, far less interesting celebrity hospitalization news, Hulk Hogan's son (we're not going to bother looking up his name) was in a terrible car crash! But he's OK. [Yahoo/AP]

It's hard out there for a studio exec. One day, you're innocently blowing your nose into the pages of unmade scripts stained with the hopes and dreams of anonymous writers, and screaming at your assistant to just please get someone to make you a fat-free Big Mac; the next, you're rudely confronted with the fact that the movie you greenlit about a murderous barber making mincemeat of his clients actually focuses on a murderous barber making mincemeat of his clients:

We had hoped by now we would have more to tell you about yesterday's thoroughly disheartening news that lovable Hollywood gadabout and top-earning movie star Owen Wilson had, quite shockingly, been hospitalized for what Star and The National Enquirer were reporting was a suicide attempt. It's by all measures a tragic turn of events for the actor we affectionately refer to around here as The Butterscotch Stallion, and star of some of our all-time favorite films, from Bottle Rocket to The Royal Tenenbaums (which, if you can stomach it, contains an eerie, premonitory scene featuring brother Luke). Wilson has been transferred from Saint John's in Santa Monica to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where their publicist (in L.A., hospitals have publicists, not spokespeople) tells Extra that he is in "good condition," leaving us hopeful that the actor will fully recover, shed of whatever demons led him to think a life making 8-figures per picture and having one's pick of L.A.'s most nubile aspiring actresses was one not worth living.

The size queens over at Ripley's Believe It or Not have purchased a "12,000-year-old, 4 1/2-foot fossilized walrus penis"—reportedly the biggest ever found—for $9600 at a Beverly Hills auction. We guess we're happy we'll have an opportunity to feel inadequate see it for ourselves, but were somewhat shocked that some power agent didn't outbid them, so that he could mount the monstrosity in his office as a symbol of his uncontested potency. [MSNBC]

• Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina Answers a Question [YouTube]

We knew something was up when on Friday, Mark, a glassy and far-away look in his eyes, pushed himself from his desk, quietly exited Defamer HQ, walked several blocks to a high-traffic intersection, then burst out into song as cars whizzed by him. (What song is not important, but if you guessed the shattering power-ballad "This Is The Moment" from Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical, you weren't wrong.) It was only once he started shedding himself of his clothes—this "infernal, eco-unfriendly human packaging!" as he referred to them—and chased a tabby cat through a neighboring yard that we began to suspect that what Mark needed, after three mostly uninterrupted years on the Defamer beat, was a vacation. And while we were concerned we wouldn't find something suitably relaxing at the last minute, as luck would have it, a Rosie O'Donnell Lesbian Family Fun Cruise was departing this morning for an Alaskan whale-watching expedition. Just what the doctor ordered!

Ah, yes. It's beginning to feel—and smell—a lot like late August. Before slipping on those fancy trick sunglasses upon which you've glued magazine cutouts of two open eyes and checking out for the morning, have some box office numbers, freshly scooped out of the commissary salad bar:

In a story we'll file under Ways the World's Most Beloved, Impish Movie Stars Should Never Opt to Spend a Quiet Sunday Afternoon, Owen Wilson was rushed to Saint John's Health Center in Santa Monica today, for what Star magazine reports was a failed suicide attempt:

· We don't even know your name, Naked Leopard Man, but you made our week.
· Annals of Wrist-Slap Justice: Lindsay Lohan gets seven misdemeanor charges. Nicole Richie gets 82 minutes and the backing of the Sheriff.
· Kid Nation: But child endangerment is the whole point!
· Brian Grazer puts the hot into 98 lb. weaklings.
· Any hope of an entertaining Emmy telecast, out.
· Just a soupçon of what you missed at this year's Sunset Junction.
· Amy Pascal slaps hers on the table.
· Star and Isaiah deserve each other.
· Come to think of it, Entourage has yet to explore the rich terrain of Ari Gold's mother.
· Experience the Hollywood party scene, through the eyes of Mike "Boogie" Malin's giant genital wart.
· Thespian Janeane Garofalo can play the blue to red spectrum.
· The Lurning Channel appreciates your input.
· America's Got Talent. It also has this guy and David Hasselhoff.
· The Cavemen-on-the-street promo becomes something of a mystery.
· Anchorwoman arrives in America's living rooms, and gets the trapdoor treatment.
· Mel Gibson's OK, you're OK.
· New Line helpfully reminds you that bullet-proofing your baby now easier than ever.
· Jerry Lewis fondly remembers an old friend.
· The DUI days of summer are upon us.

Using the ongoing Kid Nation labor-law mess as a jumping off point, Slate explains how reality TV contestant's lack of talent keeps them from being professional entertainers. (In a legal sense.) [Slate]

Friday
· Music round-up: Daniel Johnston at the Henry Fonda (again); The Juan Maclean and Rico (of Belle and Sebastian) do a DJ sets at Avalon; Slayer and Marilyn Manson at the Verizon Amphitheater.
· David Marks and Jon Stebbins sign The Lost Beach Boy, the story of Marks's role in the band's history, at Book Soup.

If you're anything like us, you slept terribly last night, waking up precisely every 82 minutes in subconscious protest of the bizarrely harsh prison term nonviolent, wrong-way driver Nicole Richie was forced to serve between 3:15 p.m. and 4:17 p.m. early yesterday afternoon. Doing its civic responsibility, the LAT made the Sheriff's Department defend its decision to subject the famous inmate to an intolerable 82 minutes of cruelty, getting a spokesman on the record to claim that anyone in the same circumstance would get similarly brutal treatment:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time Mike Tyson whipped out his own camera at the Farmers Market to request a photograph of you.

Perez Hilton, your go-to destination for news about the medical status of ailing dictators, is reporting that Castro has died. [PerezHilton]

Yeah, now that they mention it, Scott Baio really is looking a little rough these days. [SuicideGirls]

Yesterday, just a little over one year since the fateful night part-time Costa Rican resident Mel Gibson strolled out of a Malibu cocktail lounge and into infamy as the Hebrew-hatingest, sugartit-leeriest Oscar winner in all of Hollywood, a judge declared the actor free from having to attend mandatory Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. From the NY Daily News: