Little interests us less than the contents of Jennifer "Jen-Pez" Lopez's uterus, but when the items on her super-double-top-secret baby gift registry are shockingly! revealed ("We don't talk about any of our clients," says the publicity-shy owner of celebrity-infant-spoiling concern La Petit Tresor with a conspiratorial wink), we take notice. $350 cashmere outfits! $3,500 carriages! The proposed building of standalone nursery-mansions on the grounds of the star's many sprawling estates, each lavishly decorated by the boutique's design consultants! We can hardly wait for Lopez to pop out her twins directly onto the cover of People, allowing us all a first look at all the fun things Jen's besties bought for the tykes. [Rush & Molloy]

Perhaps the only Hollywood marriage more troubled than that of the Writers Guild and the studios is the turbulent union between the DreamWorks team and the well-monied Paramount lovers into whose welcoming embrace Steven Spielberg and David Geffen happily threw themselves two Christmases ago. Though Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman's public celebration of Spielberg as "the greatest filmmaker—nay, the greatest human being—of all time" seemed like it might be an attempt to save their ill-fated partnership, Radar passes along the latest "Steven is so out of there" chatter:

· I Am Legend star Will Smith's otherwise peppy Walk of Fame induction ceremony ground to a halt when a frustrated Tom Cruise, unable to successfully complete a soul-shake with his old friend because of the crushing pressure of being watched by hundreds of their adoring fans, pledged that he'd keep everyone there "for as long as it takes" to execute the elaborate gesture without stopping in the middle. Fifteen minutes later, an exasperated Smith mercifully smothered Cruise with a hug, wanting to save him from the same kind of embarrassment his inability to dance once caused in a BET studio. (Click the photo for a larger version.) [Getty Images]
· Winona Ryder ventriloquist dummy sex tape!
· Read all about one man's harrowing, four-day ordeal trapped in a lawn bowling club's bathroom. The good news: the toilet seemed to be functioning.
· This is what it would probably look like if you detonated a bomb in an American Apparel store during their busiest hour.

Well, that took long enough: The Bahamian inquiry into Daniel Smith's death concluded Anna Nicole's son died of a lethal combination of methadone, Zoloft, and Lexapro—exactly what the independent coroner's report stated shortly after his death, and, we're hoping, not among the many things we put into our bodies over our Xmas-cheeriest weekend yet! [Yahoo News]

Even Earthly deity Oprah Winfrey, who's able to call up wild winds and volcanic eruptions by merely whispering instructions into her favorite Toywatch thing, isn't so jaded by supernatural acts that she can't be legitimately mindfreaked every now and again:

Today, Paramount unveiled its latest attempt to stiffen the whips of Indiana Jones fans that have hung flaccid from their belts since the closing credits of The Last Crusade eighteen years ago, a teaser poster for the much-anticipated™ Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. There is, unsurprisingly, no real hint of the mysteries whose premature leaking cost one secret-smuggler his life and another his freedom; still, we appreciate that the titular skull is being presented in an appropriately menacing light as it looms behind Indy engulfed in menacing flames, allowing us to finally shake the misguided idea that the aging adventurer didn't feel up to taking on a quest any more dangerous than the retrieval of a gaudy vase from atop the mantle of a fiend with tacky taste in home furnishings. [IndianaJones.com]

On Saturday, the Beverly Hills Presbyterian Church had all the ingredients necessary for a successful westside Yuletide celebration: majestic choirs, a rousing performance of Handel's Messiah, and a celebrity supermodel to read the Christmas Story. Happily, not even the last-minute cancellation of planned "special guest" Hunky Santa could damper the spirit of the season; not a soul complained when it was announced to the congregation that the musclebound St. Nick wouldn't be able to attend due to a shift at the Beverly Center that ran too long.

To be perfectly honest, we're as baffled as Paris Hilton is as to where all those silly internet items about her interest in outlandish things like cryogenics and drunken elephants originate. In other, completely unrelated news, the Simple Life star was recently spotted tending to one of her prized, extremely rare pet Oompa-Loompas, injured when the crowd at a Miami appearance got out of hand. People has the details:

· Music round-up: Tool at the Nokia Theater; Deerhoof at Avalon; David Gray at the Wiltern.
· The ArcLight (warning! Sherman Oaks location!) chooses Persepolis, the story of a rebellious Iranian girl coming of age during the Islamic Revolution, for its Filmmaker POV screening series. Directors Marjane Satrapi and Vincent Paronnaud will be on hand for the post-show Q&A.
· And for something a little different: at the Egyptian, Crispin Glover presents It is Fine! Everything Is Fine! the second part of the It cinematic trilogy that began with What Is It?. Glover's Big Slide show will precede the screening, ensuring your mind will be blown before the evening's main event even begins.

A press release from the "AMPTP" that landed in our inbox a little while ago invited us investigate the real reason that the studios had to break off negotiations Friday evening with a Writers Guild hellbent on destroying Hollywood with its greedy pursuit of a fair deal: to focus on a much-needed upgrade of AMPTP.com, the organization's minimalist web presence.

The Incredible Picketing Baby returns! A tipster spotted the WGA's brightest beacon of hope, one that can't be dimmed even by Friday evening's discouraging turn of events, spreading her latest pro-Guild messages at the Sony lot earlier today. Click the image for a larger version and further lose yourself in her feel-good cult of personality.

Charlize Theron is the latest victim of what the media has dubbed the Hanukkah Bandit (OK, maybe we're the only ones to dub them that), having returned from a weekend away to discover "that property was missing from her home." No word yet on what exactly was taken, but mark our words: If he dared touch the Oscar or her bronzed Aileen Wournos prosthetic mouth-mold, there will be hell to pay. Curse you, Hanukkah Bandit! [ETOnline]

Say what you will about intellectually incurious The View co-host Sherri Shepherd, but you can't accuse her of not performing her due diligence in picking a political candidate. Before she's willing to make up her mind about Mitt Romney's fitness for office, she wants some explanation about the Mormon stuff that's making her uneasy. Does his segment of Christianity, like hers, predate Judaism and ancient Greece? Do they share her controversial views on the shape of the Earth?

· Oprah Winfrey delivers an impassioned, 20-minute stump speech in Des Moines on behalf of Barack Obama, whose presidential candidacy was officially designated as one of her Favorite Things of 2007. In addition to the inspiration they received, each one of the thousands of Iowans in attendance at the rally left with his or her own copy of O's Guide to Life and a dozen Perfect Endings cupcakes. [Variety]
· VH1 greenlights eight episodes of Viva Hollywood!, its Top Modelesque talent search for Telemundo's next big telenovela star. There's also a $100,000 prize to cushion the blow when the competition's winner fails to capitalize on the big break and returns to his or her bartending job. [THR]

It was Saturday, March 24th at 10:50 p.m. Ken Derry, an aspiring writer and head of publications for the Yankees, was surrounded by a group of teenagers. They attacked him, twice! Derry's assailants punched his face in and even pushed his girlfriend. But it wasn't that bad a night, in the end. For one thing, as he writes, he got a published story out of it!

Here's a look at Dave Beckham's sexy ad for the new Emporio Armani Underwear campaign, a luxurious new line of men's briefs from the Italian designer utilizing the latest in space-age nut-bra materials. [Queerty]

In a morning that's been filled with disappointment, incredible tragedy, and the setting of a citywide gloom unlikely to lift before the new year, we've barely resisting the urge to turn off the internets and crawl back into bed, waiting for someone to wake us around Groundhog Day. (Don't worry—an intern is on the way over to Defamer HQ with a Paxil-and-Grey Goose cocktail that should brighten up our moods considerably.)

It's often in this relative slow-news stretch before the holidays that some of the most astonishing celebrity revelations come to light: Perhaps, with New Year's resolutions right around the corner, they feel the time is right to relieve themselves of something weighing heavily upon their conscience, such as, say, the 9000 illegitimate children they've roughly calculated to have sired throughout their four-decade reign atop Hollywood's Perennial Bachelor Mountain.

TMZ's all-seeing cameras, dutifully stationed in the areas around Hollywood's hottest nightclubs, capture new, utterly shocking footage reportedly showing (things get a little grainy and confusing in the melee, but we'll take their word about what's actually going on) a former Malcolm in the Middle star taking a couple of punches behind LAX. Disappointingly, Frankie Muniz was not involved in the brawl. [TMZ]

During the media blackout that accompanied the resumed post-Thanksgiving negotiations between the writers and studios, no news was good news, allowing Hollywood a brief—and, as it turns out, completely misguided—sense of hope that things might get settled before the holidays. As Day 36 of the strike begins and despair engulfs the industry anew, a round-up of the latest thoroughly depressing developments in the ongoing labor Armageddon: