· Earlier today, Oprah emerged from her Oprahphagus long enough to welcome the world's fastest clapper onto her show. While we haven't scientifically verified this, we're also betting he's the world's fastest masturbator.
· If you're wondering how one goes about getting kicked off the My Little Pony fan forum, here's a handy primer.
· Since when does Indiana Jones have a bazooka? This probably means that The Beouf will be wielding a flamethrower.
· Paris Hilton spent last night frenching Elisha Cuthbert in NYC. We can think of worse ways to spend a Tuesday night.
· And lastly, looks like we just might have a baby J. Lo by this time tomorrow. Happy happy joy joy (or something).

We can think of no better way to cap off a Wednesday than by relaying for you all the details surrounding Katherine Heigl's overcompensating 28th birthday party for the new husband she completely took for granted on a recent Late Show with David Letterman appearance. We now bring you directly to the PEOPLE EXCLUSIVE report, live from the Katherine Heigl's-husband-appreciating birthday scene. (All hors d'oeuvre descriptions must exclusively credit PEOPLE EXCLUSIVE.):

Long before Dr. Phil first browbeat a thick-headed Oprah couch-guest into taking control of her drug/weight/self-image problem (we think we've covered the likely bases there) and ushered in a bold new era of daytime TV tough-love, there was Montel Williams, who, unlike the aforementioned, shouty fake-doctor, hardly needed to raise his voice to let the troubled know it was time to shape up. Alas, the Montel Era is coming to a close at the completion the current season, the show's 17th. Maybe it's just our grief talking, but we feel like it's not the craziest thing to hope that Williams might soon be fielding a call from Barbara Walters, offering him a chance to be The View's first penis-bearring permanent co-host, as seemingly countless days listening to Sherri Shepherd's nonsense have finally made her consider shaking up their tired format. [USA Today.com]

A reader from San Francisco sent us the link to their Flickr gallery documenting the Castro's transformation back to its 1970s heyday for the filming of Milk, including this first known shot of Sean Penn as the openly gay city supervisor, pictured on a prop election poster. For comparison, here's a shot of the real Harvey Milk outside the camera shop that acted as his campaign headquarters. The facial hair discrepancy suggests to us Penn decided to go Method-bear with his performance. [Flickr]

· Music round-up: Ryan Adams at UCLA's Royce Hall; Tribal at the House of Blues; Jessie Evans at Silverlake Lounge; Vonda "from Ally McBeal!" Shepard at the Roxy.
· Doug Benson and Jamie Kennedy headline tonight's ComedyJuice show at the Hollywood Improv; meanwhile, the Westside Eclectic's Snuggle Time invites you to cuddle up with Rob Delaney, Morgan Murphy, Jackie Kashian, and Chelsea Peretti.
· The Aero screens Life Stinks as part of its ongoing Mel Brooks retrospective, with Brooks himself on hand for a post-show Q and A with screenwriter/actor Rudy de Luca and writer Steve Haberman.

Having already ordered a second season of instant midseason hit American Gladiators, NBC now must undertake another nationwide search for both new contestants and candidates to replace whatever civilian-pummeling warriors eventually fall out of favor with their notoriously mercurial Peacock Emperor.

Well, if we're going to be completely honest, we suppose that headline could be construed as slightly misleading—for the treasure before you wasn't in fact a major archaeological discovery, sealed for thousands of years behind stacks of A Million Little Pieces in a crypt 20 stories beneath an Mesopotamian talk show studio.

Hey, if Woody Allen can get away with schtupping his adopted daughter and later having one big happy family with her, surely rumored rascal Ethan Hawke can be forgiven for knocking up his (and Uma's) former nanny, right? The Gen X posterboy and girlfriend Ryan Shawhughes announced today that another baby Hawke is on the way, his third (Maya, 9, and Levon, 6, are his kids from his marriage to Uma). For those of you keeping score at home, this makes Hawke the third well-known actor (following David Spade and Matthew McConaughey) to spend the last few months of 2007 completely and totally rubberless. Congrats! [US Magazine]

Remember Stonie, the gay porn star whose jail-baity looks were capitalized upon by the makers of Borat, casting him as the Kazakh journeyman's naked teenage son in a series of sexually suggestive Polaroids? No? Then the fact that he just got a sex change (but will continue to pursue a career in the adult entertainment field) will probably do nothing for you. Still, makers of Bruno: He's She's one featured role away from earning a SAG card. Think about it. Link NSFW. [WOW Report]

• My Rambo Review [YouTube via BWE]

With two armies of ladies fighting over Christian Brando's body, the debate over where to put the recently deceased son of Marlon to rest is now being fought on a very public stage. In order to help win the battle, both Anna Kashfi, Brando's mother, and his girlfriend Donna Geon have recruited others closely connected to the actor to support their wildly contradictory claims. Kashfi's posse (which also includes Brando's ex-wives Deborah Presley and Mary McKenna) thinks that Brando's body should be buried in Washington, because, well, we're not exactly sure (we think it's because he once lived there for awhile). But! Geon says Brando told her a different story, and she's pulled some half-siblings out of the woodwork to prove it.

At today's court proceedings for The Wesley Snipes Totally Fucking Insane Tax-Avoidance Trial of the Century, the actor's lawyer conceded that while his client's statements about how he wound up in this unfortunate predicament might bear the faint whiff of batshit, the tensions between Snipes and the IRS are over honestly arrived-at "disagreements," not something uglier like "fraud." Reports the AP: "Defense attorney Robert Barnes conceded Snipes' arguments may have been crazy, but insisted that didn't make them criminal. 'Disagreement with the IRS is not fraud of the IRS, is not deception,' Barnes said. 'It was an attempt to engage the IRS, to go through the IRS procedures and processes and see who's right.'" [Yahoo! News]

While American Idol positions itself as the greatest singing competition in the history of the world—and, let's face it...It is! It really is!—it also performs a crucial secondary service for which it too often goes uncredited: Introducing America to the Small Town Gay .

· Encouraged by the good-enough numbers generated by viewers lured to Celebrity Apprentice by the depressing lack of programming alternatives, NBC greenlights a second season of Donald Trump's salvaged franchise. Calls are already flooding in from other lesser-Baldwins, starving reality-show alumni, and aging supermodels hoping to fill out the next installment's roster of semi-recognizable names. [Variety]
· Though Fox, powered by American Idol and The Moment of Truth, is rolling along during a strike-affected early 2008, this week the top five broadcasters are down 21% in the 18-49 demographic compared to the same period from last year. [Variety]

More than ever, that's the answer. Time Inc's People Magazine has secured the first pictures of Nicole Richie's baby, Harlow. The winning bid: $1m, according to someone who participated in the auction. Which is a useful sum for the anorexic former reality star, daughter of singer Lionel Richie. "This is probably Nicole Richie's only paycheck for all of 2008," says the source. Richie's take is impressive, but not as rich a price as that being offered for first photographic evidence of the baby boy born to Christina Aguilera, the singer, earlier this month. We hear that bidding between People and OK! Magazine, which bid $1m earlier this month, has now reached $1.5m. So what economic rationale can there be for such inflation in the cost of baby pictures?

Recognizing that striking writers could really use a positive story to lift their flagging spirits after enduring so many disheartening months of marching in circles and dodging the occasional vehicular manslaughter attempt by lead-footed studio employees, this week's LAT Scriptland column relates the inspiring tale of improbably named WGA member Billy Frolick, who, by accepting "a mysterious offer" to script a Ukranian animation project, suddenly found himself transported to a kind of Bizarro Hollywood where scribes were not only not regarded with typical scorn, but treated as royalty. We join our narrative in progress, as Frolick alights in Kiev to meet his new collaborators:

Instruct your assistant to hold all your calls, poor yourself a tumbler of whiskey, and fire up the Bose Wave to ease you into haunting opening strums of Gustavo Santaolalla's "The Wings"—this next one's going to be a little rough. Sources from the New Mexico set of Jake Gyllenhaal's new movie Brothers tell People that the actor is "devastated" since learning of his Brokeback Mountain sharpshooting partner's death:

Why the Today Show waited so long to combine massive martinis, Meredith Vieira and Martha Stewart into a segment is beyond us. After watching two of the most regal small screen dames tip back an early morning stiff one, we're ready to hand the producers a Daytime Emmy. The festivities began with Martha calmly asking Meredith if she'd prefer gin or vodka in her martini (no Cosmos for these boozehounds), Meredith got all flustered and said, "Uhhhh, whatever you recommend?!" Martha's suggestion? "I like vodka!"

Continuing his obsessive quest to take the finest slasher films the 1970s and 80s had to offer and update them for an ADD-addled teen audience eager to see the stars of their favorite The CW melodramas eviscerated in a budget-conscious fashion on their local multiplex's big screen, leading Hollywood re-envisionary Michael Bay has convinced New Line to allow him to run the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise through his Platinum Dunes dream-despoiling factory.

Tough love guru in the media crosshairs Mr. Phil has broken his silence™ about the Britney Spears incident, speaking with Matt Lauer on The Today Show this morning. Since exploding onto the national stage as Oprah's motivational-speaking protégé, no other case has managed to so rattle the foundations of his "Talk Loudly At People Until They Do What You Tell Them To Do"-based therapy practice.