Rumors have been swirling lately that the Church of Scientology is in the process of mounting a full-on assault on decades of accumulated honky-thetans by aggressively courting African-American celebrities and celebrity couples on the down-low. An attempt at confirmation by the NY Daily News, however, has resulted in a number of statements from personalities of color denying that they may have slipped into the Church's seductive clutches:

After successfully recruiting Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith into the Scientology fold, Katie Holmes ponders whether or not it's time to pop another fistful of Klonopins: "I know that Tom and David hate it when I self-medicate, but every girl has gotta have a vice, right? And no, Louboutins don't count. Maybe it'd be best to wait another thirty minutes. Yeah, that's the ticket. Okay, the clock starts ... now! No, wait. Maybe it should've started a minute ago, when I first started thinking about this. Okay, only 28 minutes left. Is it just me or is this clock running extra slow today? I hate Tuesdays. Such a worthless day."

Between a needles-and-drugs-heavy induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the upcoming release of a hotly buzzed new album touched by Timbahands, cooch-bearing prizefighter Madonna has had a run lately of the sort of positive, lightly controversial publicity that has defined her career from its jelly-bracelet-adorned nascency. But now comes another wave of unwelcome and unorchestrated chatter from the British tabloid press, saying the singer and her filmmaker husband of seven years Guy Ritchie have finally agreed to go their separate ways:

It's startling to us that after the last iteration of ABC's perennial romance sweepstakes—in which Hunkiest Bachelor of Them All Brad Womack cruelly withheld a suspiciously oversized engagement ring from last-standing-soulmate Deanna, choosing instead to slip the sparkling keepsake over his own member as a gesture of narcissistic fidelity—that producers of The Bachelor would find another 25 women desperate, lonesome, and fame-whorey enough to subject themselves to similar, nationally televised humiliation.

From Trout Pout to Tunnock's Teacakes Kneecaps, the British press continues to excel at being nasty in their coverage of celebrity body parts gone wrong. Now that they've gone after some of the more obscure body parts (we're still waiting for their exclusive on Madame Tussaud's Wax-Filled Ear Canals), they're retraining their sights on the cellulite-ridden genre of "Elephant Legs." To be fair, we all know the old (and quasi-verifiable) saying that the camera adds ten pounds. But with masterful close-up shots (what do they do? kneel down and twist the zoom feature so far to the right that it nearly breaks off?) of a certain celebrity's thighs, no adage can be trusted in this case. So which target have they angled in on for having legs they deem elephant-like? Click through for the (shocking!) victim in question:

You'd be forgiven if a visit to Tropic Thunder's website—where the trailer premiered today—led you to believe the movie featured billed stars STILLER and BLACK DOWNEY, as the preview ballsily features a good deal of Robert Downey Jr.'s white-Method-actor in blackface (and muttering stereotypical, The Jefferson's-theme-inspired dialogue in blackvoice). That said, there's lots to enjoy here, including the movie star archetypes that inhabit this Platoon-set-turned-real scenario—particularly Stiller's "Action Guy," whose previous roles required him to deliver catchphrase, "Who left the fridge open?" while BabyBjörning two tiny pandas.

HBO announced today that is essentially canceling the series 12 Miles of Bad Road, saying that the network was not happy with the show's creative direction. (Very disappointed!) Six episodes of the Lily Tomlin hour-long comedy series had already been shot, but production was held up by the strike, giving the network the time to analyze and ultimately pull the plug. This is yet another dent for the troubled (like Amy Winehouse!) network, which until recently had enjoyed near legendary status (they got so awesome they weren't even TV anymore.) This news comes after an announcement yesterday that president of entertainment Carolyn Strauss will be stepping down. Add to that the sudden death of Anthony Minghella, who was to executive produce and direct for the new No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency and the ratings and critical failure of In Treatment, and it begins to seem like HBO, once so proud, is on its way down, like static-y snowflakes falling. Maybe they just became too good for their own, well, good.

Not to be outdone by the swift, shaky-cam destruction of its transcontinental nemeses in Cloverfield, Los Angeles is getting its own taste of catastrophe in the latest viral sensation to hit YouTube. At least we think it's L.A.; some have suggested that Case 1017 — the grainy home video of HazMat-suited CDC officials and semi-automatic weapons fire that has attracted 1.1 million views since Saturday — is a tease for Cloverfield 2 or M. Night Shyamalan's forthcoming Philly disaster epic The Happening. Follow the jump, however, for what turns out to be a much simpler explanation.

With Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe working in the service of a screenplay by William Monahan (The Departed), the CIA-vs.-terrorist thriller Body of Lies is roughly what you get when Warner Bros. throws a platinum-plated kitchen sink at Ridley Scott's Oscar curse. Except rough is only the half of it, according to a script review published Monday:

The internets were flooded yesterday with screen caps featuring what may or may not be Sex And The City's resident sweetheart/prude giving one very large member a very thorough (and NSFW) blow job using a very long tongue. Naturally, Kristin Davis went into denial mode, claiming the tape was a fake, and even suggesting that the image had been photo-shopped to add in that innocent sparkle in her eyes, the incredibly unique hairline (and hair color), and perfectly manicured eyebrows. After the jump, we provide the photos in question, and make our argument that this is indeed the real Charlotte York-Goldenblatt (some images NSFW), denials or not:

Sad news from London this morning reveals that Anthony Minghella, who in 1996 won an Oscar for directing The English Patient, has passed away. He was 54. Minghella's death was confirmed this morning by his agent Judy Daish; no further details on the cause are currently available.

· If Jonah Hill's movie career doesn't pan out, he can always headline mid-sized Vegas showrooms as Andy Milonakis: Insult Comic. [SNL]
· Mischa Barton's next project, the straight-to-video Closing the Ring, features the actress crying in an attic bedroom, wearing a period hairstyle, and completely naked. If that's something you might be interested in, here's an image gallery. [Egotastic]
· Heather Mills is awarded $48.7 million of Paul McCartney's $800 million fortune. We pray this is the last we'll hear of this, but suspect it is not. [Fox News]
· And finally, ladies, we ask now that you remain composed. Please keep your screaming to a minimum. Oh, fine—we give up! The men of Flight of the Conchords, almost naked in the pages of Maxim! [conchords.net]

We were going to slap together our own St. Patrick's Day e-card for you, but then we stumbled upon the one above from Rosie O'Donnell's Flickr stream. In it, O'Donnell affects her best impression of Peiste, Ireland's fearsome lough monster, who, unlike the relatively benign Nessie, won't hesitate to take you whole into her powerful jaws, crunching hungrily on your bones in her insatiable quest for warm, nourishing human flesh. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone!

There's more than just a sullen face—or is that a come-hither stare?—separating the Ryan Seacrest you know and love from the one looking back at you on the cover of the current Details. In the tradition of everyone's favorite happy hour touch-screen time-killer, we now invite you to Spot the Six Enhanced Differences in the above two photos of the beloved showbiz ubiquity. Feel free to leave your guesses in the comments. The answers (four easy and two for expert competitors only) are after the jump:

Sadly, our cinematic dreams of Britney Spears and Mel Gibson making movie magic together will remain dreams for now. The odd couple's meeting in LA over the weekend was neither a business meeting nor a date, according to a People source: "There are no expectations, there is no agenda. It's simply an act of human kindness - one neighbor reaching out to the other." Maybe it's just us, but we're not exactly sure Britney needs a life counselor who's an alleged neo-Nazi, let alone one who's fond of calling lady cops Sugar Tits. Then again, he does have two years of sobriety under his belt. That and he's surely got it a bit more together than Michael Lohan. We guess you gotta take what you can get in these trouble-laden times. [People]

Dude, she's 15. Leave it alone and holler at somebody more age appropriate. What a creep.

· Gene Wilder presents The Woman Who Wouldn't at the Barnes and Noble at the Grove.
· The Egyptian Theatre continues their ode to the Mods & Rockers by honoring The Rutles 30th Anniversary with two screenings of All You Need Is Cash tonight. The first showing includes a discussion with Rutles Eric Idle, Neil Innes and Ricky Fataar and is moderated by producer Martin Lewis. The second showing has an introduction by Rutles members, but no Q&A to follow.
· Junot Díaz reads from The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao at the Hammer Museum.
· And, in closing, your music selections for the evening include Explosions in the Sky at the Wiltern, Neon Neon at Amoeba and Jason Collett at the Troubadour.

Word floating around Defamer HQ has Newsday movie editor Pat Wiedenkeller and veteran critics Jan Stuart and Gene Seymour accepting buyouts that would end their tenures at the Tribune-owned tabloid effective March 28. The critics reportedly accepted their packages by a deadline last Friday; Wiedenkeller has been on the way out since earlier this month. It's no golden handshake, either, with one source telling Defamer the buyout deals topped out around 33 weeks salary, a fraction of remaining vacation days and less than a year of benefits.

While she hasn't been caught with coke pants or knives (yet), budding leggings designer Lindsay Lohan has been caught throwing two tantrums back to back. Whether or not the allegations are as suspect as those made against fellow ex-rehabber and possible anger management candidate Owen Wilson remains to be seen, but the reasons behind Lohan's hissy fits are classic entries in the long history of diva freakouts. So what and who has driven Lindsay off the wall recently? Onions, and one of her best frenemies, Paris Hilton:

We have to admit, when we first heard that Britney Spears would guest star on the struggling How I Met Your Mother, we had our doubts. Would she really find enough sanity-laced moments during the day to play a Working Girl? Had all the gurney trips and 5150s left her sharp enough to memorize lines and interact with actual actors? Would the length of time required to remove all umbrellas from the Fox lot overlap with her scheduled appearance? But apparently our (and Neil Patrick Harris') worries were for naught. Britney has officially shown up, donned her costume, and put her acting skills to the test. Click through for the first shot taken of Brit playing secretary alongside fellow guest star Sarah Chalke: