While we stand by our casting choices for the inevitable movie version of the Eliot Spitzer debacle, Hollywood Reporter columnist Ray Richmond has his own bright ideas. Lots of them, in fact: he's got a feature starring Kevin Spacey as the disgraced New York governor; a network TV movie featuring Meg Ryan as Silda Wall Spitzer; a Comedy Central film with Sarah Silverman as high-priced hooker "Kristen"; and the one we're personally rooting for, a BET biopic of lieutenant governor David Paterson starring LeVar Burton. "Synopsis: A film about The Man Who Would Be Governor," Richmond writes, "one that embodies the slogan, 'When life hands you a New York governorship, make New York governorship-ade.' " Throw in Burton's stylish Geordi La Forge eyewear from Star Trek: The Next Generation for the legally blind governor, and we'll even donate our next month's pay to the production budget. At least that should cover the props. [Past Deadline]

Kicking back at a corporate summer rental has quickly become a rite of passage for the Hollywood scenewhore set, with Malibu hot spots like the Polaroid Beach House leaving the doors to their 24-hour party open to any celebutards and hanger-entourages who happen to pop by. In exchange, guests must agree to be photographed interacting with a wide variety of branded goods—from snack foods to gadgets to indestructible prophylactics—by the flock of seagull-displacing paparazzi lurking outside. Not surprisingly, neighbors quickly grew weary of the sound of Paris Hilton teetering on a deck table at 4 a.m. screaming, "Playboy Energy Drink and Doritos® Spicy Sweet Chili Chips are hot!" A Malibu city ordinance has now banned such further promotional whorehousing from reoccurring in the summer of '08:

The Riches star has tried just about every way possible to get us to notice her over the years. Playing plump, banging a screenwriter-turned-star, getting skinny, doing the music thing, etc.. After sputtering out with all of the above and finding herself running low on fame-enhancing options, she decided that having a baby is a lot easier than becoming a Scientologist or developing (and then kicking) a nasty drug habit. Good luck, Minnie, everyone is rooting for you!

Earlier this month we discussed whether or not Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' double date with Forest Whitaker and his wife Keisha was less about baby talk and more about Xenu talk. And while we didn't rush to the race card, MSNBC is reporting that TomKat and the CoS are intent on luring more African-American stars onto the Knights of Hubbard bowling team:

Pinned to his La-Z-Boy by the money bags recently delivered in the self-distribution triumph that is Nine Inch Nails' latest album Ghosts I-IV — "800,000 transactions in its first week, totaling $1.6 million in revenues," according to Reuters — helpless leader Trent Reznor apparently has little to do but watch online video until his bandmates dig him out. There will be no Dakota Fanning ogling for Reznor, however, who's now soliciting movies from fans for the "Ghosts Film Festival":

· HBO shakes things up in their original series development department, moving longtime president Carolyn Strauss into a new, not-quite-fired-but-let's- see-what-some-new-blood- can-do-about- never-letting- John From Cincinnati -happen-again position. [Variety]
· Hollywood StrikeWatch 2: The Bickering. SAG and AFTRA can't seem to decide whether basic cable should be included in the upcoming actors negotiation, leading to a flurry of strongly worded letters and "near-constant sniping" between the two unions, who'll ultimately air out their differences in a choreographed rumble in the Farmers Market parking lot, set to the music of Leonard Bernstein. [Variety]
· Marvel Studios has sold the exclusive broadcast rights to FX for a package of five of their movies, including the upcoming Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk, along with three more, yet-to-be-determined titles. (We're pulling for a She-Hulk Vs. She-Thing, starring Rachel Bilson and Mischa Barton.) [Variety]

Ramping up the Oscar-season stakes following the exploitation of Abigail Breslin's dimples in 2006 and Diablo Cody's clothes-allergic antics in 2007, Fox Searchlight appears to have gone the way of using low-cost (read: free) young acting hopefuls in its early push on behalf of the Biggie Smalls biopic Notorious. Today's New York Times suggests that Brooklyn rapper and brave ass-shooting survivor Jamal Woolard was essentially already cast as the slain hip-hop star when Searchlight welcomed more than 100 would-be Biggies to its time-wasting, dream-devouring publicity stunt open casting call last fall:

The B-Side blog has uncovered something of note in NBC's short-lived, 1985 series Misfits of Science (starring a young Courteney Cox): The show is about "a group of young, attractive people with supernatural powers," and features the mantra, "Save Adele, save the world." Adding to the intrigue: Heroes creator Tim Kring was a writer on Misfits! This would have been highly scandalous in Season One, when that catchphrase was a little more timely. Now it's just interesting background trivia for hardcore indestructable-cheerleader fetishists, who'll all but certainly hop onto the internet to see if this Adele person looks as inviting in a pair of heavy-duty spanky pants. [B-Side Blog]

Though we hope Britney had been called to a meeting with Mel to fill in the cast of his upcoming Under And Alone, which stars Gibson as an undercover agent infiltrating motorcycle gangs in Southern California, the film is already in production. Still, Spears would be a cameo natural; looking rougher than ever and sounding like she's come to embrace misery as a primary emotion, stepping in as some kind of abused, washed-up rider's girlfriend, all while dressed in ripped leather (and with no need for a knotty, tar-colored wig!) would be a better comeback choice than her infamous Lip Syncing On Valium appearance.

Bruce Willis' current gal pal, leggy Victoria's Secret model Emma Heming, is playing the question off as if it's the first time it has happened. However, Bruce's face tells a completely story. Having had to say "she isn't my daughter" and "not cool, bro" to valets more times than he would care to count, he wonders if it may just be time to stop dating girls born in the '80s.

If you've yet to catch an episode of E!'s Pap Smear Pop Fiction, yet another stroke of punking genius from ascending media tycoon and noted cougar-hunter Ashton Kutcher, we've included a clip above. In it, Eva Longoria, for whom fame has quickly turned into a serious drag (please, God, just return her to a life of anonymity, where she can carry out her various, regular-person functions in peace!), and a think-tank consisting of Kutcher and his staff of ingratiating "producers" concoct a deliciously devious plan to "rekindle the non-relationship" with Longoria's longtime platonic friend, Mario Lopez.

It brings us no pleasure to inform you that Thomas Jane, star of the non-Dolph Lundgrenian version of The Punisher and husband of Patricia Arquette, was arrested early this morning for driving under the influence of a social lubricant. The details, as we know them so far:

We'll always have New Rose Hotel. And The Last Mistress. And her latest film, Boarding Gate, and pretty much all of her other output with the exception of xXx. Alas, intrepid siren Asia Argento says she is giving up screen nudity lest that reputation precede that of her more, well, natural dramatic gifts:

Ah, the magic of an E!-televised marriage. With all those millions thousands spent, viewers tuning in, and smile-forcing cameras around, how could the union of two C-list celebs like Giuliana DePandi and original Apprentice lackey Bill Rancic possibly go wrong? Giuliana's recent ring-less appearances on air makes her the latest "celebrity" under investigation by wedding ring detectors, leading some to speculate that the two have each booked a coach ticket direct to Splitsville:

In honor of St. Patrick's day, we invite you to revisit the Crichton Leprechaun, peruse the screensavers and wallpapers available for download at colinfarrell.org, and dive into that bowl of cornflakes before the green beer turns them soggy. And while you're at it, have some box office numbers for good luck:

Perhaps only proving the adage that the harder you try, the dumber you look, the recently released trailer to rape-prevention spokesteen Dakota Fanning's soon-to-be-released Hounddog gathers three minutes of short-eyed, Southern-fried auteurist poetry in one skeevy bundle for your viewing pleasure.

We'd love to begin this lovely Monday morning not by pounding a pitcher full of green beer (that will follow in a few minutes), but rather by introducing the newest member of the Defamer editorial team. We are thrilled to announce that S.T. VanAirsdale is joining our ranks in the position of Senior Editor, where he will be helping us round out our coverage of the movie industry that we all love and loathe in equal measure. Stu is a both a well-respected and well-heeled veteran of the world of film criticism and industry analysis, having his work published by Vanity Fair, The New York Times, New York Magazine and, of course, the The Reeler. We are tremendously excited to have both his biting wit and extensive experience on the team, and we are confident that you will quickly grow to love him as much as we do. So, with that, everyone please give a warm welcome to Stu! Now, on with the show...

· Pellicano...To The Extreme!!! After all these years, Garry Shandling and Brad Grey fail to have a bitch hug-out session. Everything you didn't want to know about where Chris Rock came on that girl's ass.
· We cast Three-Diamond Girl: Ashley Dupré and the Fall of the House of Spitzer, though we still need some Dupré suggestions. Feel free to add them in the comments. Ari Emanuel, meanwhile, is offended for all of us.
· The Tom Cruise birthday party remixes begin.
· Lost Boys 2 trailer...Hmm...Needs more Haim.
· "We Can Work It Out" proves the mountain that Idol golden boy David Archuleta cannot conquer.
· Think of Edward Norton as The Incredible Hulk, and the Marvel guys as The Abomination. Which CGI Hulk do you prefer?
· Funny Games: High art or low snuff?
· As close as Defamer will ever get to a mention on The Simpsons. Hey—we'll take it.
· Real actress Jenna Fischer adds water sports to her resume skills section.
· Celebrities enjoy partaking in marijuana, says book. And Mary Ann's arrest—oh wait. Strike that last one.
· Tranny. Hot mess. Fierce. Rinse. Repeat.
· The Indiana Jones poster is revealed, and we think it's dynomite! (Oh, wait—wrong show.)
· Courtney Love instructs the nanoaliens living inside her teeth to type out an angry MySpace blog post disputing claims she's crazy
· Britney Spears Career ResurrectionWatch: A walk-on on How I Met Your Mother. What would NPH think? The first Fox lot sighting. The anime video.
· Madonna's big week: The Hall of Fame induction. The video. Like a 50-Year-Old Virgin.
· Paris Hilton giving Cher and roaches a run for their money.
· Run! Patricia Heaton has a freakishly small bellybutton! She'll kill us all!!!
· Barry Diller accused of abusing private jets. Jets may never recover.

· Today on The View, Snoop Dogg demonstrated his signature yoga position, sideways-facing fucked-up-in-this-bitch. [The View]
· Distressing news out of ShoWest: Global warming trends will force the price of a medium-sized bucket of movie theater popcorn to rise to an astonishing $199.95 in the coming year. [LAT]
· The warrant for Richard Gere's arrest for publicly shaking Shilpa's Shettys has been lifted. Watch out, India: He's coming back for your women! [Yahoo News]
· Are you a healthy young man with a deep desire to go to Coachella, but not the means to afford those hefty admission prices? Fear not. Sperm For Tickets can help. [spermfortickets.com via b3ta]
· Hey, you. Yeah, you! Don't be a shmuck! Photocopy your wallet, dumbass! [Consumerist]

Feeling hungry? Try snacking on our Dirt Sandwich, a wild and woolly compilation of the moments in celebrity infotainment programming this week that made us simultaneously groan, chuckle and hurl. As always, we demand politely beg Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer to watch hours of Harvey Levin's babbling in order to bring you the week's best and worst moments. This week's reel includes the secrets behind Mike Myers' "informal spiritual quest" (whatever the fuck that means), Mark McGrath uttering the word "Fattergories" and the revelation of "which Hollywood hottie has THE best bod in the biz" (which, btw, is a question that comes up several times per day here at Defamer HQ). Enjoy!