I had been looking forward to Glow all week and arrived at the Pacific Palisades Park giddy with anticipation. Perhaps, though, I should have taken this overheard comment as a fair warning: "Omigod," said a girl as she passed me by Saturday night, "Nothing is glowing."

While enjoying a lunch with a lady friend in West Hollywood, soon to be Law & Order: Criminal Intent star Jeff Goldblum became mildly perturbed when a woman stepped in between him and an enterprising paparazzo. Goldblum thought if he was going to be filmed while enjoying a delicious meal, then there should at least be some high quality shots of his face. Goldblum added, "I mean, this guy went to great lengths to step up the shot. You know, getting everything perfectly in focus and then, this woman, I'm sure she's a lovely person, but she disrupts the picture. Maybe I'm cranky because I haven't had my muffin yet. Carbs will make things better."

We heard from plenty of friends and acquaintances who were tragically shut out of The Dark Knight's opening-weekend Bat-magic; having procrastinated on purchasing IMAX tickets, it was a tough week to be a casual moviegoer and partake of history's biggest smash. Thank God for Craigslist, we suppose, where at least if you can withstand the Joker-costumed throngs queued up around the block for their fourth viewing, a deal awaits — if you call $60 for two ducats a "deal":

You look nervous. Is it the scars? You wanna know how we got 'em? Come here. Look at us. One night, we couldn't sleep, so we turn on QVC. They're pushing something called the Facial Flex Facial Exercise and Toning Kit. We figure, "Why not? Our jowls could use some tautening." So it comes in the mail, see—but the first time we use it, something goes wrong. Very, Very wrong. Now we always see the funny side! We're always smiling! Hey—who's up for box office numbers! HAHAHAHAHA!

The Dark Knight's record-breaking opening left us entranced by not only its tsunami of cash, but also by the news, commentary and other unclassifiable phenomena we spotted in its wake around the Web. For your Monday morning convenience, here's a glimpse at what the biggest three-day box-office weekend in history will get you:

· In a very special Defamer moment, we bonded with Kathy Griffin — er, make that Emmy nominee Kathy Griffin.
· Silverman/Kimmel, RIP. Just don't blame this woman.
· Finally, to Entertainment Tonight's relief, The Chosen Two arrived.
· We spat on those who dared ding The Dark Knight's Bat-armor.
· Fashion-line neophyte Lindsay Lohan took the heat for Miley Cyrus's midriff-baring ways.
· W co-stars Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright liked the Shreveport police so much, they planned a reunion in December.
· Not even "Breathe, dawg" found its way to our epochal Two Coreys low points.
· For a few hours, anyway, Justin Theroux was the coolest new screenwriter in town. Alas. Fucking Cody.
· You don't care about Eddie Murphy. This means you, too, Fox.
· Bird-lover Andy Dick just couldn't control himself around fine chicken.
· If you can't hack it at the Spider-Man: The Musical auditions, there's always Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy.
· Hey! Where did Sarah Jessica Parker's mole — oh. Never mind.
· Topless Sienna Miller could learn a thing or two from bikini-rocking Helen Mirren.
· Molly McAleer for Best Actress!

We return you now to the Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal—a city reinvigorated by a strengthened Canadian dollar and the recent grand opening of The Celine Dion Jumpsuit and Chapeau Museum. Hours ago, comedy tycoon (we promised we wouldn't call him a monopolist) Judd Apatow picked up a handsome companion trophy to sit alongside his Flackie and prized collection of custom penis-molds of every actor he's ever worked with: The prestigious Just For Laughs First Annual Comedy Person of the Year award.

In the latest issue of W, cover girl Penelope Cruz assures the reporter that she “never talk[s] about her private life to journalists...NEVER," Of course, a few grafs above, the pretty little beard-candy spends much of the interview talking, in great detail, about the most private of private issues we didn’t even know we wanted to know! Penelope’s “inner monsters” that have ruined her so-called relationships, why “sweating and bleeding” is her idea of “happiness,” and far more after the jump:

If you haven't yet done so this summer, there's no time like the present to pack a few bottles, grab a blanket and head down to park for some fresh air and a picnic. And nothing quite hits the spot like a lovely Dirt Sandwich, bringing you all the cool, replenishing nutrients of the week that was in entertainment news. You could people-watch, we suppose, but face it: The exploits of cursed Sarah Silverman, shirtless Mormon missionaries, "double-dissed" Jon Voight, Miley-courting Coldplay and bad-art magnet Howie Mandel (among other too numerous to mention) just yield too much week—ending deliciousness to pass up. So indulge! Resident culinary genius and Defamer videographer Molly McAleer can always make more!

So earlier this week we suggested tween queen of homemade kiddie porn Miley Cyrus just may have been inspired by a former teen queen of homemade, visually intoxicated porn. And, sordid as it may be, much of the Hannah Montana star's fame outside of the flyover states is quite possibly due to all those "scandalous" photos that keep popping up. Which is a good thing in the world of "All press is...", right? And here to provide some guidance in answering that question are established troublemaker and pot princess Mischa Barton and future troublemaker Hayden Panettiere.

From full-page "hire-me" ads to shill-tastic film-festival crashing, we've recently observed the trajectory of Corey Feldman and Corey Haim's relationship with us and each other taking an unusual U-shape. The nadir (we think) appears in this sneak-peek of Sunday's The Two Coreys when, in a testament to love and tone-deafness, Feldman serenaded his wife Susie with a little string-accompanied tune you can hear after the jump. Then join us in comparing and contrasting Feldman's Otis-Redding-by-way-of-chainsaw delivery with a few of the duo's other travails captured here diligently in recent months. Where will it end? Or, more to the point: Will it end?

Hunky heartthrob Zac Efron continued onward with his work out routine as he skated all the way from Burbank, California to New York City in less than a day. The route Efron took to the Big Apple was mostly downhill, which allowed him to make record-breaking time. Well, Efron admitted that he didn't skate the whole time; he managed to catch a few rides with soccer moms keen on impressing their young children. Efron enjoyed the journey because it allowed him to do a lot of thinking and soul searching. Efron said, "When I was out on the road, I thought that my trainer and I really need to work on my pecs when I get back home. Also, it's really, really flat in the Midwest, but at least they had a Godfathers Pizza."

It's the weekend, and that means one thing: Molly McAleer is breaking away from the week of indentured videographer servitude and hitting the clubs. First up, though, a little eye shadow here, a little lipstick there, some typically fantastic anecdotage and, of course, a full rundown of your weekend To Do's. And what a weekend of hard choices it is: She had us at "Choose Your Own Adventure for adults." Or maybe at Nas. Anyway, it's your call now — enjoy!

The beach will literally glow this weekend in Santa Monica, as the city launches its first-ever light installation / art festival. While it may be true that they got the idea from the Parisian art festival Nuit Blanche, which goes on all night once a year, this is the first all-night, light-based interactive art fest that's being held in our country. Dubbed Glow, after the iridescent grunion in the ocean, the fest is an all-night psychedelic light party that starts at 7 p.m. Saturday night and goes till 7 in the morning. Bring your one-hitter for maximum amplification.

Was Sarah Jessica Parker’s mole removal so effective in the sexiness department that the simple laser treatment managed to majorly tighten the trousers of all those T&A experts at Maxim? As we noted this week, SJP found herself caught up in a mystery-laden MoleGate, in which her immortal beauty mark suddenly disappeared. Some (guilty as charged) played the optimist by suggesting the once-highly noticeable imperfection had simply been disguised by some genius makeup artist — but just one day later, her rep confirmed that the SATC star did go under the laser simply because "she was in the mood."

What will the world do when it no longer has Harvey Weinstein to kick around any longer? This isn't a rhetorical question, either — at least it doesn't feel that way after the latest in a growing stack of Weinstein Company pre-mortems hit the trades over the last 24 hours. BusinessWeek was first with a relatively tame primer on TWC's flagging slate, including Bob Weinstein's prediction that the $171,000-grossing John C. Reilly comedy The Promotion "may make us a few bucks" when the dust settles on home video. No rush, Bob — Wall Street and your 21-cent Genius Products shares can wait.

Academy Award winner Philip Seymour Hoffman was spotted at famed Italian restaurant, Saint Ambroeus, enjoying a hardy spaghetti lunch. Hoffman was enjoying the peace and tranquility of his lunch until a few photographers showed up and snapped away. Hoffman attempted to create a fort around his table using menus and a book to block from being spied on. However, a strong gust of wind knocked over the fort right as the Charlie Wilson's War star took a bite of his meal.

Harrison Ford better keep one eye over his shoulder if he doesn't want to see his title of Hollywood's Most Constipated-Looking Leading Man slip through his fingers. Using a series of stills from Vantage Point, the Not-So-Exciting Life of Brian Palmer blog makes the compelling case that Dennis Quaid is really doing the most exciting work today in the realm of making-number-two-faces. [brianmpalmer.com]

Because the week wasn't ruined enough with RoboCop news and word of Gene Simmons judging ad jingles, the End of Ideas caravan rolls on today with not one, not two but three whole fucking remake concepts for us to dread — none more irritating than Hyde Park's reimagining of Blake Edwards's classic 10. It's not that the Dudley Moore/Bo Derek comedy is untouchable, but at least Edwards doesn't have hold it down while the new producers rape it:

· This weekend's Gay Man's Moviegoing Dilemma (hmm...Meryl Streep and the hook from Madonna's "Hung Up," or Christian Bale shirtless...hmmmmmmm) could end up benefiting everyone, as the weekend is poised to shatter box office records. The Dark Knight already broke the one for midnight screenings. [Variety, Variety]
· Regency TV—the small TV studio launched a decade ago that brought you Malcolm in the Middle and The Bernie Mac Show—is laying off its five remaining employees and shutting its doors for good. [Variety]
· On a slow news day, something that might happen becomes a headline: Showtime is "close" to ordering Edie Falco's dark comedy about the life of a New York City nurse. [THR]
· Art directors hop aboard the "upstart screenwriter clout" bandwagon! Fight Club and Minority Report art director Chris Gorak will write and direct SIS—nothing to do with sisters, it's short for special investigations section—for Warner Bros. [THR]
· Despite passing on a beckoning A-Rod exclusive, Katie Couric will keep her job as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. [Variety]