"Prepare to be destroyed this summer," promises the website for the Hard Fest, which isn't exactly a heartwarming PLUR-like welcome. This promise (or is it a threat?) becomes even more baffling when you consider that DJ MomJeans, aka celebrity scientologist cum DJ Danny Masterson, is one of the people who makes up this bill. Currently placing somewhere outside of the Top Ten celebrity DJs — the Ronson siblings seem to have the lockdown on the top two spots — Masterson's acting career has been somewhat frigid since That '70s Show went off the air. We remember seeing Masterson in an extended cameo in the Anna Faris stoner comedy Smiley Face, and his IMDB profile shows that he's got a few projects in the pipeline, but we're glad to hear that the DJ circuit is lucrative enough for him to continue filling the coffers at the Celebrity Centre. (Those OT-VII ratings don't buy themselves, you know). Still, if you're on the hunt for a rave disguised as a sausage fest with 17 year-olds, the HARD Festival just might be the place for you this weekend. The rest of the line-up is run down after the jump.

Even though we’re a day late on this, Dark Knight’ s “ironic” lingerie model Maggie Gyllenhaal appeared on Letterman Wednesday night and charmed the pants right off Dave with talk of everyone's favorite celebrity topic: drugs. Speaking in her standard sweetly candid tone, Maggie told a tale of a nurse whose number we’d really like to get a hold of — seems this kooky practitioner who aided Maggie with a broken toe is more than eager to push bundles of those morphine-patches-disguised-as-"painkillers"—Percocets—on her patients.

At the 10th anniversary party for Sephora, Michael Lohan sheepishly served as his mother Dina's temporary boyfriend. Michael explained that his mother would get him the video game "Dead Rising" for his Nintendo Wii if he walked down the red carpet with her arm-in-arm. Dina also wanted her son to mix and mingle with some of the other female celebrities at the event. Dina said, "Another high profile relationship in the family probably won't hurt our chances of getting picked up for a second season."

British actor Dominic West has made his biggest impression playing roguish Detective James McNulty on The Wire, but he's also find some success on the big screen: he played Renée Zellweger's lover in Chicago, and was soon after cast opposite Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile. In an interview in today's The Guardian, he recalls the illuminating, grueling, and sometimes extremely annoying experience of working with Hollywood's highest-paid actresses:

Last night CBS unleashed its second episode of Greatest American Dog on the American public, which promptly reached for its pepper spray before realizing the cutthroat canine competition is perhaps just the kind of gentle, slobbering reality friend we need in the summer of Denise Richards. To a point, anyhow; we wouldn't necessarily trust any of these freaks with our dogs, and we still can't be sure if Thursday's sedated-pooch pathos was touching, eerie or simply the most garishly dramatic reality-show tear-shedding of the year. Watch for yourself, tell us your choice and, in any case, wish poor Star a speedy recovery. Eleven percent of America is pulling for you, puppy! [CBS]

If you were wondering what a family-filled movie event in the park would look like if you were an East Side hipster, here's your answer. The Downtown Film Festival presents Your Name Here, a rock musical and mockumentary for the whole family, as part of their "Summer Screening Mixers." In this version, there will be both non-alcoholic and alcoholic drinks available for the attendees who come early to the party for the "mixer" portion of the evening. Can't imagine this would be approved in Mayberry, USA, but then again, their movie screenings aren't held in the courtyard of the Barker Block live-work lofts in Downtown LA.

Until today, we didn't really know Mamma Mia! had any competition for the weekend's gay-readiest cinematic treat, with the most recent evidence stretching the film's ABBA creds to recommend tips for building your own home disco. Classy, no? But a few Dark Knight contrarians are out there, subverting the conventional wisdom ("Is Mamma Mia! the gay Batman?") and giving the musical's loyalists a run for their gay money:

While out running errands in Manhattan, Kirsten Dunst received some shocking news over the phone. Namely, that the Dick star would not be able to get into an IMAX screening of The Dark Knight. Dunst's friend said that they could always watch the movie during the week and that'll be the same movie. Dunst huffed and puffed that it wouldn't be the same if they had to wait a few days to watch the film and the situation is beginning to feel a lot when Dunst went to get a new iPhone. Dunst said, "First, I can't get the iPhone until next week or whenever they get a shipment in and now I have to wait to see the new Batman movie? What else could go wrong in my life? I swear." Dunst then asked if her friend could check out Craigslist or eBay for tickets and price was not an issue.

Click to viewIt's shaping up as a cruel summer for drunk, high or otherwise messed up celebrities trying to stay on the straight and narrow. Comedian Andy Dick was arrested this week for groping a 17-year-old's breasts while in possession of marijuana and Valium, in something of a reprise of his bust last year for doing blow in a nightclub. Actress and teen rehab veteran Drew Barrymore is now reported to have boozed her way to a breakup with actor Justin Long. Heather Locklear fled "depression and anxiety" rehab in Arizona after barely two weeks. Even a Rolling Stone, Ronnie Wood, surrendered himself to rehab again after leaving his wife for a 19-year-old cocktail waitress — and two bottles of vodka per day. Maybe all that summer daylight is pushing everyone over the edge! In any case, it's tough to keep track of who's where on the customary arc of high-profile substance abuse: embarrassment, criminality, rock-bottom desperation, rehabilitation and then either another trip around the circle or a break into the freedom of sobriety. That's why we've compiled a guide to once and future inebriated celebrities: 20 actors, singers, models and socialites who hog way more than their fair share of space in the gossip pages — and here on Gawker. We'll update and expand this list over time as a sort of encyclopedia of shame; your comments and tips are encouraged. (The arrows, by the way, indicate trends in drunkenness, so an upward arrow means getting drunker, downward means getting more sober.)

Click to viewLured as much by its illustrious roster of Hollywood comedy power-players as we were by Quebec's notoriously lax champagne-room laws and the promise of a poutine stand on every corner, Defamer dispatched editor Seth Abramovitch to Montreal to take in a few days of the 2008 Just For Laughs Festival. Now a quarter-century old, Just For Laughs has grown into the largest comedy festival—two weeks of stand-up, sketch comedy, movie screenings, and street performances. Tonight we'll be front and center for the much-hyped Apatow For Destruction, billed as "a unique night of stand-up comedy as writer/director/producer Judd Apatow assembles a veritable all-star team with one of Canada's biggest exports, Seth Rogen, Craig Robinson, Russell Brand and a line-up of some of the most buzzed about film and TV stars in comedy."

Welcome to another edition of Defamer Attractions, your weekly cheat sheet to everything new and noteworthy at the movies. This is a fairly easy installment for us, as will happen when the most anticipated superhero movie of, like, ever is threatening to run off with the biggest opening weekend, like, ever. As such, knowing that at least half of you are browsing this from a lawn chair in some long, twisting multiplex queue, let's skip the formalities: This weekend features one blockbuster, a melodic bit of counterprogramming, a primate-centric flop-in-the-making and a concert film for the manic depressive in you. As usual, our opinions are our own, but they are burnished to a soft, infallible glow. Off we go!

Ze Frank, whose awesome series of daily two-minute Web videos ended last year, told a New York audience at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater he landed a movie deal with Universal. As NewTeeVee points out, Frank follows in the footsteps of the Ask A Nina guys, who are remaking Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and the co-founder of HomestarRunner, home to the series "Strong Bad Email," who just landed a deal to direct a movie with the guy from Napoleon Dynamite. It's great to see entrepreneurial videobloggers crossing over into mainstream media, but you have to figure that the blowback from struggling screenwriters and low-level TV and movie producers is going to make all the bitching about blogger book contracts sound positively celebratory. After the jump, two of my favorite Frank videos.

· After holding it in through years of her own private hell, the N-word finally makes Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry. We salute Whoopi Goldberg's restraint in not climbing over the table and drying her tears one slap at a time. [The View]
· Carpetbagger blogger David Carr's crack-rock memoir The Night of the Gun give Emily Gould a run for her NYT Magazine money. [NYTM]
· Matthew McConaughey plans to start a record label; three guesses as to what kind of music he'll feature. Actually, no. One guess. [NYP]
· Roman Polanski wants the LA District Attorney to review the new documentary about his sketchy 1978 rape conviction. Another review? Is it being re-released again? [NYT]
· Hooray for Hollywood, home of the second-worst industry growth rate in the country! [THR]
· Zach Braff is leaving Scrubs — conveniently enough, only a few seasons after its viewers did. [Variety]

As we’ve noted in the past, Stinky master of predicting the future of love sounds Justin Timberlake isn’t quite on the level of Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce when it comes to comedy routines. After failing to elicit laughs at the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame earlier this year, and trying out the rarely-cute attempt to evade relationship questions on Leno, Timberlake is evidently still fixated on proving he’s just bursting with comedic prowess. His latest stunt? Impersonating Jessica Simpson at the Timberlake-hosted ESPYs, airing this Sunday, by wearing a cheap blonde wig, standing in front of a cut-out of her daisy dukes, and making frightening facial expressions supposedly meant to resemble the time-traveling Tony Romo groupie. The good news? Despite these photos doing little to inspire even a smirk from us, we feel the need to point out Timberlake’s impressively hilarious impersonations of the past on Saturday Night Live, both as a tweaked out awesomer-than-thou Ashton Kutcher, and a far better Jessica Simpson impression years before:

The most important, non-hamster-related casting news of the summer trickled into Defamer's inbox today, with the modestly subject-lined "MOTHER OF ALL PRESS RELEASES" issuing a heads-up for anyone interested in auditioning for author Dessarae Bradford's adaptation of her book, Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy.

We have noted the ridiculously mean-spirited SATC review that curmudgeonly queen Rex Reed wrote for the NY Observer on these pages before. However, we have never printed the offending opening graf here on these pages, but seeing as how SJP had her beauty-mark lasered off sometime in the last few weeks (it wasn't just makeup, after all), it seems that the time is right:

Whether he's outmaneuvering the cosmic pox on his films or simply panhandling for his next directing opportunity, Terry Gilliam is a man Hollywood can always count on to deliver his own special brand of crazy when it counts. But whereas we've generally been leery to attribute much more than pity to him over the years, for once we've got Gilliam's back in a scintillating new attack on Warner Bros.

Oh Ellen Page. Why must you make it so easy to spark lesbionic rumors after every public appearance, from outfits showcasing your boyish frame, hiring a Power Lesbian publicist to defend your Non-Power Lesbian status, and showing Jay Leno and the country just how masculine your workout moves are? Not to mention that business of stroking your phantom goatee during the macho exercises in question? Adding more flame to the female-loving fire, Page is currently filming Whip It! in Michigan alongside Drew Barrymore in the newly single actress’ directorial debut. And after hearing the trajectory of Page’s star character Bliss, including every budding Chic Lesbian’s preference of roller derby races over that superficial tradition of beauty pageants (note: we are just imagining what Ellen’s Us-recruited body language expert would "think"), we can't exactly believe with certainty that Page isn't a member of Closeted Hollywood. Not to mention these photos of the Diablo-spawned prodigy on set looking her makeup-free, greasy-haired, baggy sweatpants-wearing finest:

In a summer where we seemingly can't go a full day without facing down some newer, denser wave of comic-book effluvia, the recently released Watchmen teaser is up there among the more nerve-rattling encounters we've endured. It may just be the destabilizing Billy Corgan whine, or poor Billy Crudup writhing in CGI anguish, or the idea that Zack Snyder is actually the "visionary director of 300" to which the ad copy refers. Or maybe it's just that the only teasers that seem to captivate our attention any longer feature either vaguely racist chihuahua dance numbers, Brad Pitt aging backwards in Spanish or some permutation of men saving Earth — usually brooding and often in slow-motion. Maybe it's just that we need to get out more. In any case, here you go. Did we mention Billy Corgan whines? Never mind. [Empire]

Ted Leonsis never spent a dollar he didn't think would somehow change the world. And after generating a few billion at AOL, buying a hockey franchise and dabbling for a while in Web 2.0, it was just a matter of time before he jumped into movies, where change follows the money faster (and certainly more glamorously) than any other industry in which he hadn't already staked a claim. And, like untold scores of entrepreneurs before him, Leonsis's first couple tries — as producer of the documentaries Nanking and Kicking It — flailed in the marketplace. That'll happen.