On the surface, the life of the average paparazzo seems almost impossibly glamorous and adventuresome—spent loitering outside one of L.A.'s many ultra-exclusive social establishments, or ducking sniper fire on the branch of an electrified fig tree trying to capture a Chosen Twins double-breast-feeding session. But there are several things we felt you should know before dropping your lucrative dermatology practice to follow your dreams of running away with the pap circus; Defamer videorobics instructor Molly McAleer has generously compiled them all here for you here, along with A/V supporting evidence. Just watch it. That's all we're saying. And keep one eye on that Cash Warren character. Getting Jessica Alba pregnant isn't his only trick shot.

In the tradition of classic musical sequels like Goodbye, Dolly and Seven Divorces for Seven Brothers, the creative team behind Hairspray is set to return for a follow-up slated for 2010. New Line has reportedly brought aboard John Waters — whose original 1988 hit was adapted to a Broadway tuner that grossed $200 million when re-adapted for the screen last year — to scribble a new treatment "[picking] up the Baltimore saga of the Turnblad family after the resolution of the first film, which was set in 1962." Director-choreographer Adam Shankman and songwriters Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman are slated to return. The original cast is a question mark, however, as Nikki Blonsky, Queen Latifah, Christopher Walken, Michelle Pfeiffer and a frocked, fat-suited John Travolta (among others) didn't have sequel options. But while hardly incidental, such details seem secondary to a far more important question: When has a film musical's sequel ever been a hit?Shankman alludes to as much in an interview today with Variety, citing only the success of High School Musical as a musical franchise that worked. Of course it's a nonsensical analogy; despite the films' common Zac Efron denominator, tweens aren't going to break the sound barrier racing off to Hairspray 2. Pfeiffer has history here, too, as the female lead in another sequel that famously fizzled, Grease 2. Moreover, what would Hairspray 2 even be about? Velma Von Tussle's Aryan revenge? Tracy Turnblad goes off to Johns Hopkins, discovers acid and founds Beehives Against the Vietnam War? Or, better yet, drops out of school and stars in early John Waters films? No, really. We're asking. The possibilities are endless, yet we know there's only one right idea — and with history as our guide, it might be to skip the idea altogether.

Jay Babcock, former Los Angeles scenester and founder of the music/art mag Arthur, up and moved to Brooklyn recently. Why? "Culture in L.A. is in a race to the bottom, and all the smart and creative people there are [involved in] new ways to do social networking or figure out what YouTube video is going to get the most views. That isn't culture, it's pure pandering," he tells the L.A. Times today. Also: nobody in L.A. even noticed that he had moved:

During a down moment on the New York set of Ugly Betty, American Ferrera asked her co-star Judith Light a question that had been bugging her for years. Specifically, she wanted to know who actually was the boss on the popular 1980s series of the same name. Light fondly reflected on the series and explained to Ferrera that the title was a merely a metaphor for how we're the boss of our own destiny and fate. Ferrera nodded and asked Light if her character on the show was the boss of the character Tony Micelli. Light said, "Oh yeah. I mean, she signed his paycheck. She was the boss."

Unlike most adulterous celebrity scandals, the latest claim that Most Awkward On-Screen Sex Partner Matthew Broderick has pulled a Beckham / Phillippe / Hawke by getting involved in a long-term affair with a 25-year old redhead is actually filled to the brim with hilariously kinky details. The Star exclusive includes all sorts of juicy and slightly nauseating allegations, making Pat O’Brien’s “I want to fucking eat you!” sweet nothings seem tame in comparison. As sad as any remaining fans of Ferris may be to hear it, the mag’s sources claim newly mole-less SJP’s hubby is fond of popping ‘round his do-gooder mistress’ bedroom, darting out after 30 minutes, and leaving the girl “passed out on her bed in her panties.” But is this really so shocking? After the jump, we cover the many times Parker has hinted that the long-married couple has serious issues, from her comments that he’s always “secretly manipulating you,” to the time she confessed she just adores seeing him “have great chemistry” with other women:Beginning in 2001, when she forgot to thank her husband during her Best Actress speech at the Golden Globes, Parker has been blabbing to many a tab about just how “treacherous” her 11-year marriage is. Just two years ago, she said in an interview, "I feel bad that he’s not on the market...He’s just getting to his prime and I’m holding him back. Every now and then I see him with a woman and she’s really smart and beautiful and I’m like, ‘God they have great chemistry. They’d be great together.’” Not to mention her recent delight in telling NY Mag that he “doesn’t have enough friends.” Ultimately, the fact that Broderick has been trysting all over town making late-night visits to the mystery woman’s bedroom (and lasting 30 minutes, no less!) sounds like a dream come true for SJP. All her wishes have come true: on the market? Check. More friends? Nailed one. Plus, her remark in the same NYM piece that “Broderick says, ‘That’s your fault!’ when he sees a thong poking up from low-slung jeans” must feel oh-so-satisfying. Parker can even claim responsibility for Matty Cakes’ newfound happiness inside those thongs he apparently stares at every time they leave the house together! [Photo credit: Splash]

The saga of Paramount Vantage arrived at its bloody conclusion this morning, when Rob Moore and John Lesher sent a memo announcing the termination of 60 jobs at the specialty label. The paring down follows the earlier absorption of Vantage into the 'Mount mother ship, where Lesher graduated earlier this year, Amy Israel hit the eject button and which will keep a handful of staffers on as part of the catchily titled Paramount Worldwide Acquisitions Group announced a few days ago.

· The Dark Knight has now become the fastest movie in history to earn $200 million: it made that in five days, three days faster than previous record-holder Spider-Man 2. Do you know how much guyliner that could buy the Mayor of Gotham? Tons! [THR] · Russia has purchased the format for The Office, making the necessary regional tweaks ("Hey—who suspended the phone-bugging equipment in my borcht-flavored gelatin!") for full comic effect. [Variety] · Because what the TV landscape really needed was another dance competition reality show, Chris Brown and Mark Burnett have teamed up to bring you Chris Brown Presents: Untitled Hip-Hop Dance Project, which should pair nicely with the David Archuleta's Totally Fly Weep-Off Jam currently being pitched around town. [Variety] · ABC is close to committing to a pilot for Middle, "the story of a middle-class Midwestern family seen through the eyes of the mother," so long as they can secure Patricia Heaton to star. Heaton said she'd check with the Albertsons people, but that it shouldn't be a problem. [THR] · Tim Burton has found the girl to play Alice in his adaptation of Alice in Wonderland: relatively unknown Australian actress Mia Wasikowska. [THR]

We're keeping our distance from the large-scale fanboy marketing orgy that is San Diego Comic-Con, in part because we've already got our hands full grappling with Warners' Dark Knight Dark Publicity™ campaign, but also in part because Defamer's frugal travel policy requires hitchhiking for journeys longer than 100 miles [Ed. Note - Sorry STV, the policy has changed to 50 miles — effective immediately]. Sadly, we missed our only other option: The City of Ember train, chartered by Fox and Walden Media on Wednesday to transport select film writers on an all-expenses-paid romp from LA to San Diego. With a junket, of course. And cookies. And a jazz band! And apparently some kind of "loyalty oath" to the fantasy epic's titular metropolis where Bill Murray presides as mayor: "We swear eternal loyalty to our city and to the wisdom that created it. We declare our infinite gratitude..." No shit — with the exception of CHUD editor Devin Faraci's tasteful incest-joke interlude, Fox and Co. are making out brilliantly with MTV, the LA Times and others among the "23 key journalists and bloggers" handpicked to fellate Ember to an early, rousing throb. And nobody is more grateful than the filmmakers, who think unquestionably highly of Ember and its audience:

As part of our ongoing commitment to bring you incremental updates in the Christian Bale Acting Huffy Towards Some Female Relatives story, we now have word on the actor's first public acknowledgment of The Incident at a Spanish press conference:

Jessica Biel: Hey, do you want to go to the park today? Play with the other dogs?
Jessica Biel's Dog: Too hot for park today. Also, there are too many people there. Way too many.
J.B.: Well, do you want to go a movie? Catch that new Batman movie?
J.B.D: I saw it the other day with the dog from next door. We went to the Bridge. I'll never make that mistake again.
J.B.: Why's that?
J.B.D: It's like a smaller version of City Walk. Ugh. If it's not the Arclight, then it's probably bullshit. You know what I mean?
J.B.: Yeah....So, what do you want to do today?
J.B.D.: Do you want to get a smoothie?
J.B.: Nah. Do you just want to sit in front of a fan and do Darth Vader impressions?
J.B.D.: Best idea I heard all day.

The rapier wit and steam-engine mind of Jamie Lee Curtis has long been a going concern around Defamer HQ, especially since her uniquely immersive brand of social criticism (e.g. "I Have A Terrorist's Mind") found a dedicated outlet at The Huffington Post. The actress unloaded another philosophical blast on Wednesday, when the concerned mother in her tied on an apron and got to work in defense of American education — in particular, our endangered home-economics tradition:

As we briefly touched upon a post or so ago, MTV has announced they'll be producing a remake of midnight movie classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which struck us as a slightly less onerous addition to our ever-growing End of Ideas library. (Perhaps it was the delightful image of a whole new generation of Rocky disciples chanting, "Lips! Lips! Lips!" in anticipation of Audrina Patridge's ladyparts' soulful rendition of "Science Fiction, Double Feature" that did it.) Variety has the details:

The dissolved love affair between Anne Hathaway and would-be Vatican real-estate magnate Raffaello Follieri has strewn more than its fair share of heart-rending detritus through the young actress's life. But no abandoned dog or red-carpet ambush wields the devastating potential of Hathaway's private diaries, which were the prize catch among Pope photos, antique Bibles and other keepsakes evidence reportedly seized by the FBI in a recent raid on Follieri's residence. The confiscations come amid word that Follieri is struggling with his new digs at the Metropolitan Correction Center in New York, where his calls to Hathaway go unreturned and the Get Smart star's rumored compliance with the feds has zapped the last of the fraud suspect's oily mojo:

We knew we were experiencing déjà vampire when first we glimpsed HBO's central marketing image for Alan Ball's new series True Blood—something we mistakenly attributed to the iconic Rocky Horror lips (soon to be played by Audrina Patridge's vagina in an MTV remake—but more on that later!). But it was only upon seeing the virtually identical key art for sunlight-resistant Diablo Cody's Jennifer's Body that the true inspiration for both campaigns hit us: A portrait of Angelina Jolie from Entertainment Weekly in which the actress plays up her succubus image, savoring what we like to imagine were the last drops of Billy Bob Thornton's hemogravy after a particularly rough session of Hide the Stake. Click to experience the full cannibalistic scope of this bloody marketing horror!

· Ever since Neil Patrick Harris warned told the world back in February that he would be appearing as The Shoe Fairy on an episode of Sesame Street, we have been waiting for the mystical unicorn rider to appear on our local PBS affiliate. Fortunately for all of us, our long wait is now over. And while we are slightly sad to report that this clip does not have him uttering the line "I am the greatest fairy in all the land" (that bon mot must've landed on the cutting room floor), we have better news to share. Prepare yourselves for ... a musical number! [Sesame Street]
· While we were excited to introduce you to young Levi Alves McConaughey earlier today, a closer look at the photos shows that America's youngest stoner is already developing some rippling abs! [Best Week Ever]
· In the upcoming remake of Friday The 13th, Jason Voorhees has a mullet. This does not bode well. [Friday The 13th Blog]
· Is the bloom off Joss Whedon's rose? We'll always love and revere him for BtVS, but after getting feedback from the suits at Fox about the pilot episode he shot for Dollhouse, he's going back to the drawing board to rescript and reshoot the whole damn thing. [Vulture]
· Thankfully, this season's TCA press tour has come to a close. THR's James Hibberd put together an easy-to-digest recap, which features this refreshingly honest description from the EP of the new Crash television series about how his show will differ from its Academy Award winning source material: "I didn't want the series to feel somber. Or didactic. Or heavy handed. This is a fun show. The show is not bleak. Or depressing." We're sure Paul Haggis would agree. [The Live Feed]

With the studios' post-final-offer, post-AFTRA-vote concession of $10 million in pay raises to SAG still having failed to bring the two sides together in a starry-eyed embrace, nervous Guild delegates are beginning to wonder if their president Alan Rosenberg—"The kind of guy that would trade heated words with his own clown mother, if it meant pushing his resolutions through!" whispered some—is really the man for the job. Now, a small resistance has sprouted from inside; calling themselves United for Strength, the celebrity freedom fighters spend all night mimeographing manifestos in the basement of a Fairfax Ave. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. From the LAT:

After a nearly four-year partnership that has yielded only the finest in crossdressing minstrelsy and Cosby-kid jail-ho cameos, Lionsgate and Tyler Perry today announced a new development pact for the glitter-shitting auteur through at least 2011. According to a press release issued this afternoon, the deal picks up after the release of Perry's next two films — The Family That Preys and Madea Goes to Jail (infamously co-starring Keshia Knight Pulliam in the plum role of "Imprisoned Hooker") — and will keep the 'Gate in the lucrative Perry DVD business for the foreseeable future as well.

With all the unpleasantness swirling around Batman's swivel-accommodated head lately, we thought we'd delve way back in the Defamer stacks for a happier time in the life of Christian Bale. We didn't really find one, but we did find an old post about a guy who sold Bale-on-the-toilet sculptures on eBay. Just look how contented he looks there, perched blissfully atop his throne, decking Momzo the furthest thing from his mind. That's the Christian we'd like to remember. [Defamer]

Most of the time, the things that we recommend you To Do each and every day cost money to partake in. But now that everyone's coffers are drying up thanks to the rising cost of gasoline and food stuffs, we thought it might be a good idea to start recommending some things To Do that don't cost any money. After all, as a wise man once taught us, the best things in life are —wait for it— free. And because Molly McAleer is such a strong believer in this sentiment, she figured that she would demonstrate to you, the loyal Defamer readership, exactly how much fun can be had without spending any money at all. And so, with that, we invite you to experience the exuberance of Molls' Mattress Party 2008. Enjoy!

While the real Amy Winehouse accrues skin problems in a paparazzi-surrounded North London townhouse, the newly displayed Wax Amy Winehouse is drawing in the crowds at Madame Tussaud's a few miles away. And what a ghastly treat it is: a massive, beehive-encrusted head on an emaciated, tattooed frame, posed artfully in that tender performance moment between lyric-belting and fan-punching. Best of all, she's drug-, alcohol- and scab-free, compelling her Mum and Dad to not only attend her unveiling but also plan a bold, back-door museumbreak for the ages. "You know, she's not been home for a right birthday in years," Mr. Winehouse was heard to tell onlookers, anticipating her big 2-5 on Sept. 14. "They can just make a-bloody-nother. Victoria Beckham, now there's a cunt to melt." Judge for yourself if she's worth it after the jump.