Social networking phenomenon Facebook, everyone's favorite online poke-orgy, was quickly adopted by Hollywood types. As such, buried inside its various features—its Status Updates, its "Wall-to-Wall" graffiti nonsense—there are thousands of showbiz stories just waiting to be discovered. We think of College Road Trip director Roger Kumble, who admitted he was "trying not to hit refresh on Rotten Tomatoes" the day reviews came out accompanied by their dreaded green splat. In that vein, we bring you a screengrab fresh off the home page of comic Orny Adams, best known for being the younger, hungrier ying to Jerry Seinfeld's richer-than-God yang in the stand-up doc Comedian. His status updates—one at 8:12 a.m., the next 6:50 p.m.—tell a whole Hollywood story unto themselves:

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WHEREAS, the Star Wars franchise comprises six films about the legend of Anakin Skywalker, his son Luke, a bunch of puppets and their exploits with the Force, and WHEREAS, said franchise is the most lucrative in the history of cinema, having generated nearly $4.3 billion at the box office alone, and WHEREAS, the creator of said franchise, George Lucas, has established additionally lucrative revenue streams from Star Wars licensing, animated series and his post-production empire at Skywalker Ranch, and WHEREAS, recent news reports reveal that Lucas plans to re-release said franchise theatrically in 3-D, and WHEREAS, the terrible second half of the franchise already capitalized on the celebrated phenomenon of the first half, andWHEREAS, said first half was previously exploited by Lucas's urge to re-release them with bad CGI and boring deleted scenes, and WHEREAS, said first half was further exploited by more home-video versions than anyone could count, and certainly more than anyone wanted to buy, and WHEREAS, a 3-D Star Wars re-release further cynically exploits a celebrated phenomenon that was just fine as it was, and WHEREAS, The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith will always suck no matter how many dimensions they're screened in, and WHEREAS, Lucas still does not yet have the technology to make his screenwriting multi-dimensional, WHEREAS, the conversion process will likely cost Lucas at least $15 million per film, with another $30 million of marketing on top of that, and WHEREAS, we are tired of spending money on George Lucas's old shit, and WHEREAS, we are tired of Lucas expecting us to spend money on his old shit, NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER: 1. George Lucas cease and desist in his threat to re-release any or all of the Star Wars franchise in 3-D, and 2. The Star Wars franchise shall be remanded to protective custody until Lucas is judged fit and modest enough to take care of it, and 3. Lucas serve a five-year probation during which the cash-mongering recycling of old properties is subject to a fine of $5 billion dollars and/or life in prison. RESOLUTION PASSED this 25th day of July, 2008. SIGNED, DEFAMER [Photo: Getty Images]

If you're lucky, you arrive at a party at just the right time. Most times, you're either too early and drink nervously and get too sloshed to communicate. Or, worse, you arrive a tad later than the majority, and everyone else is already shit-hammered, and you are left feeling sort of, well, sober. The latter is what happened to me at the Flavorpill launch party for their Le Tourment Vert Absinthe brand drink, the "Orange Fresh." But all was not lost. After a full day of work and with my belly full of tacos, I headed back to Culver City (yes, again!) to the Denizen Design Gallery to drink some absinthe, look at art by Terrell Moore and listen to beats by Jason Eldredge. It's the kind of effortlessly cool thing that Flavorpill usually touts in their weekly letters.The artist: Terrell Moore

Accosted recently by a Defamer correspondent moments after receiving the first ever Just For Laughs Comedy Person of the Year Award in Montreal, Hollywood comedy baron Judd Apatow somehow agreed to commit to a short interview. Later that night, he'd appear before a rowdy crowd at Club Metropolis, hosting an all-stars comedy event billed as Apatow for Destruction. Judd opened the show by launching into a funny set that explored the not-always-tidy-side of family life and getting older. Soon after came Seth Rogen—basically Judd minus 15-or-so grounding years—with a raunchier act that included a riff on frequent self-pleasuring ("I forgot you could use hand lotion for something other than jerking off..."), and a notable preoccupation with all things gay. (On late-in-life movie star Ian McKellen: "As soon as Magneto lifted those cars, the guys sucking his dick dropped 50 years in age.") Newly announced VMAs host Russell Brand closed out the show. A deeply charismatic stage presence with an indelibly dirty mind, he's as comfortable dropping psychoanalytical insights as he is being a horny goofball (a hilarious bit about the gulping sound that means your oral sex partner really cares) or flippantly self-deprecating ("I use homeless people as scabby wishing wells. Vending machines for good karma..."). We caught up with Apatow shortly after the show, where he talked to us about what it felt like to stand in the live-comedy spotlight after all these years, gave us a little taste of what to expect in his upcoming movie, Funny People, and submitted to a round of Desert Island DVDs that you might find surprising. It's after the jump.DEFAMER: Congratulations on what we'd call a very successful return to your stand-up roots. What spurred this on? Was it research for Funny People, or did Funny People come out of a desire to revisit the world of stand-up? APATOW: I figured if I was going to make a movie about stand-up comedy I, unfortunately, needed to start doing it again. Mainly, because I have to start writing jokes for the stand up sequences in the movie, but also so I can remind myself how it makes you feel great and like crap, almost simultaneously. DEFAMER: Is that how it feels? APATOW: You get a high, but I always feel ashamed afterwards. Embarrassed about what I said. Embarrassed about the ego it takes to think anyone would want to listen to you talk. The instant need to do it again. It's like comic crack. DEFAMER: So Funny People is going to be like Punchline, only with Seth Rogen in the Sally Field role? APATOW: The movie isn't about stand-up comedy. It's about a few characters who are having a crisis, but what makes it different is that they are people who make comedy. DEFAMER: Your willingness to collaborate and promote lesser-known talents is probably one of the first things people think of when they think of the "Apatow" brand: You're not just getting one vision, your getting a bunch of complimentary sensibilities. APATOW: It was an easy show for me because I knew that no matter how well or badly I did, I had Seth Rogen, Charlene Yi, Million Dollar Strong, Craig Robinson, Bill Hader and Russell Brand coming on after me. No matter what the show would be fun. The idea was to put on a show that starred all of the people who have acted in our films. So many of them are great comics so it made for a great, raucous show. DEFAMER: Now onto the hardballs: You're stranded on a desert island with no one but a naked Jason Segel. Miraculously, you happen to have your three favorite L.A. takeout meals, and five favorite movies or TV series on DVD (excluding your own) with you. What are they? APATOW: My five DVDs would be Mad Men, Season Three of The Wire, Broadcast News, Being There, and Punch Drunk Love. My three take-out meals would be PF Changs, Vitorrio’s Pizza, and A Votre Sante chicken and asparagus—so I don’t feel unhealthy. DEFAMER: Seth Rogen did a bit in his act about being considered a bear by the gay community, and how he wished there was a straight equivalent. Have you ever been pegged as a bear? Ever thought about making the first mainstream bear comedy—or, failing that, a movie with a prominent gay character? APATOW: I almost wrote a movie which was about gay characters but I ultimately realized I didn’t know enough about the subject. That may have been the moment when I first realized I had heterosexual tendencies. DEFAMER: And finally, what can you tell us about this mysterious Sacha Baron Cohen project about Sherlock Holmes that you're producing? APATOW: Sherlock Holmes is being written by Etan Cohen, one of the writers of Tropic Thunder. DEFAMER: Hmm. Mysterious. Thanks, Judd!

A Wookie from El Monte attending his first Comic Con in San Diego got separated from his group of friends after getting off the trolley. In a muffled voice, The Wookie said, "I stopped to tie my shoes for a second and, when I got up, I started talking to my friend Paul. He's dressed like Han Solo. But after I started talking to Han, I realized that wasn't Paul, but it was someone else altogether. Then I went to talk to my other friend, John, he's dressed like the Joker and, well, I think you can see where I'm going with this, right?" The Wookie thought about going into the convention center and attempt to find his friends, but he wouldn't know the first place to look. The El Monte native added, "I think I might just go back to the motel, but I don't know if a Wookie would give up so quickly."

Amid a summer of great American dogs and semi-scandalous ripoffs of ripoffs, the news that NBC is considering Rosie O'Donnell for a weekly variety show gig should provoke a little more than this dull ache in our frontal lobes. After all, this is a chance for more than just showcasing bad celebrity interviews and performances from the newest, cheapest talent from around the nation; this is an hour-per-week of Hasselbeck payback — in primetime, no less, according to EW. But there's a catch: NBC's first choice, Jay Leno, has to say no. And that's no sure thing (as elaborated after the jump):

One could hear a pin drop at the San Diego Comic Con on Thursday as Robert Rodriguez's muse Rose McGowan popped a squat to take a photo. The alabaster-skinned actress saw a group of really cool looking zombies and wanted to take a picture of them. As McGowan began to crouch down, Rodriguez whistled to McGowan to indicate that she was about to flash the crowd. Much to the dismay of the army of virgin attendees, McGowan repositioned herself. One of the geeks shot Rodriguez the evil eye and mumbled under his breath, "Like I was going to waste my time with a remake of Red Sonja, anyway."

It's a shocking turn of events anticipated by only a handful of the most cynical romance-haters: Shayne Lamas, heiress to the Lamas Family acting dynasty, and British Bachelor Guy, a reality TV contestant from England, citing irreconcilable attention whoredom, have announced that their engagement is off. What's more—and we urge you now to take a seat if you aren't doing so already—the two will be going their separate ways forever. From usmagazine.com:

Steve Guttenberg launched the initial shot in the seventeenth annual Upper West Side food fight in New York City on Thursday afternoon. Although, it appears that the Cocoon star appeared to be the only participant in the weekend long food fight. After pelting him with a banana, Guttenberg told the photog that he was "It" and now had to tag somebody else before the weekend was finished. While the food fight has been going on for seventeen years, Guttenberg has high hopes that this will be the event's breakout year. Guttenberg said, "The past few years, it's just been my agent and myself throwing Girl Scout Cookies back and forth at each other. This year, I think we can do better than that. I know that we can do better than that."

Welcome to the latest edition of Defamer Attractions, your regular Friday guide to another oversaturated summer weekend of new movies. While The Dark Knight sets up Batcamp for another week at number one, another brooding franchise goes up against Team Apatow in the also-ran camp. A British classic gets a fine art-house face-lift, meanwhile, and a windfall of new DVD's will keep the agoraphobes among us busy for a while. As always, our opinions are our own, but they're bulletproof, so read on for the only filmgoing advice that matters. WHAT'S NEW: The primary competition for The Dark Knight's second weekend will be... itself. You have to feel for Sony and Fox for dropping Step Brothers and X-Files: I Want to Believe opposite History's Greatest Film, but that's just the kind of extraordinary season it's been. Those films will perform decently enough, though — roughly $30 million for the Judd Apatow-produced Ferrell/Reilly comedy, $21 million for the sci-fi franchise adaptation — which is another bummer for Fox, which has only its overachieving The Happening to show for a long, lean summer at the box office.Also opening this weekend are the concert/protest film CSNY: Deja Vu; the oversexed '60s groupie chronicle Eight Miles High; Nanette Burstein's controversial pseudo-doc American Teen; the small-town gardener doc (seriously) A Man Called Pearl; and Minnie Driver's middling psychological drama Take. THE BIG LOSER: Not so much a "loser" as a handicapping interest of ours, Christian Bale's reported mum-thumping exploits — however blown out of proportion the actually are — could drop The Dark Knight a few percentage points more than it otherwise would have. But even if plunges by 50% (which it won't), it'll still nab $80 million, so again, save your pity for Fox.

· You might catch this cherished-Breakfast Club-memory-despoiling ad for JCPenney before PG and PG-13 rated movies this weekend. Yes, you too can look like you just raided Barry Manilow's wardrobe! [creativity-online]
· Russell Brand was asked to host the MTV Video Music Awards in September, instantly elevating him to household who-the-fuck-is-that? status. [AP]
· Congratulations Marissa Jaret Winokur on giving birth to your first child, Zev Isaac Miller. (Which according to our Jew/Goy dictionary translates literally as "Levi Alves McConaughey.") [People]
· Here's video of Christian Bale telling a reporter to mind his own business. The transcript really didn't do it justice: He can even turn a simple "no comment" into a deeply involving, multi-act affair. [ETOnline]
· Why Never to Believe a Publicist, Chapter MMMDCCCXC: That little Kelsey Grammer chest-hiccup? His heart stopped completely: "They had to blast me twice and get me started all over again." [NY Times]

When we used to wake up in the mornin’ after the alarm gave out a warnin’, it was always alright ‘cuz we were Saved By The Bell. Yes, all you ‘80s-born kiddies, the show we embarrassingly grew up watching religiously despite the fact that catching a rerun these days makes us dry-heave, is in the headlines again. The frizzy-haired, unemployed trophy winner of the World’s Most Nauseating Sex Tape (that is, until Mini-Me stole the title), Dustin “Screech” Diamond, has given up on those comedy club circuit dreams and made the heroic decision to put his nose to the mirror grindstone. As Vulture reports, we will soon have the pleasure reading a tell-all book scripted by Diamond, detailing what really went on behind the scenes of that epic show. And if you’re like us, who consider Jesse Spano’s “I’m So Excited...I’m So...Scared” scene a pivotal moment in our adolescence, don’t despair — Diamond is said to be more than ready to spill each and every bean when it comes to revealing all of the dirty deets of Bayside High School's Class of 1993.However sad it is, it seems that the aforementioned influential scene of diet pills and pointless high school ambition best exhibited by Jesse's freak-out was not as fictional as our wee tween minds originally believed. According to Vulture's sources, Dustin and his ghostwriter (i.e.: mainly his ghostwriter) will reveal all kinds of details about the "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying" that went on after Mr. Belding shut down the lights each night. As insanely thrilled we are to go and purchase a retro wall SBTB wall calendar on which we shall X out each day until the book is released, there's still a tiny part of us that always hoped Zach and Kelly never actually did the deed after "Cut!" ended the day. Nor do we want to learn the inevitable truth that Slater was on steroids. Same goes for how many rails it took to keep Lisa Turtle from transferring to rival Valley High. Oh well, it can do anything more to ruin our childhood memories than The Phantom Menace did, right?

Excellent news to report for anyone who still thinks Angelina Jolie is perfection incarnate, in spite of that silly husband-stealing fiasco, heroin tape, Billy Bob phase, Life Or Something Like It and...well, there are probably a few of you left! According to Us, the conception of the Chosen Two was quite literally chosen to arrive at a specific point in Brangelina’s magical life. A source tells the weekly that the “impatient” soccer team managers didn’t rely on Brad’s super-sperm or Jolie’s scream-filled bedroom style to spontaneously produce Knox and Viv. Rather, the no-longer-immortal duo paid a hefty sum for in vitro treatments to speed up their plan to “have 10 kids...while [they’re] young." But their goal may not work out quite as planned. Reports that Angelina is being forced into joining the trendy rapid weight loss/gain club for her next role may cause a serious delay in recruiting new Jolie-Pitts for quite some time.Even though its B.O. numbers didn't exactly scream "Sequel!", the folks behind 1999's The Thomas Crown Affair, also known as Yet Another Chance For Pierce Brosnan To Convince Us He's Charming, are in pre-production mode for the second installment, slated for a 2009 release. The film's original female lead, Rene Russo, intelligently declined to participate in the inevitable disaster, leading producers to seek out Jolie as her replacement. The only glitch? Said folks have worked with Jolie before on Wanted, and reportedly fear another round of Lohan-esque fainting spells the then-skinny-as-a-rail Jolie kept experiencing while on set. As a result, they're said to be requiring their leading lady to pack on 30 pounds. As in, now. One week after giving birth to twins. Which begs the question: is it possible that Jolie has sped far ahead of post-pregnancy slim fast stars Jessica Alba and J. Lo in shedding her tent-dress-requiring baby weight already? And if not, why the need for this unnecessary sequel to star such a "weighty" co-star? Ah, yes. The role is that of an "action woman." Because Jolie hasn't ever portrayed a gunfire-equipped, stunt scene-ready, action hero before or anything. [Photo credits: X17, Wireimage]

We're not ashamed to admit that we're still coming to grips with the recent passing of Estelle Getty. Although that YouTube guy certainly helped our progression along the Kübler-Ross scale, we haven't yet reached the fifth and final stage of model. If you're feeling like you're in the same boat, don't fret. While we aren't about to promise that tonight's To Do video will pick you up and then drop you off at the Acceptance stage, we're hopeful that Molls' candid chat (especially if accompanied by an In-N-Out burger) will at least let you know that others out there are feeling the same way.· Tokyo Police Club at the Hammer Museum. · 20 Comics a Night at The Comedy and Magic Club. · Frank Stallone at the Malibu Inn.

At LAX today, Anaconda star Owen Wilson wanted to show the fedora wearing community the proper way to use the latest fashion accessory: block your face from unnecessary exposure and photographs. Wilson felt that hat fanatic Samantha Ronson had been wearing her fedora improperly as of late. Wilson added, "Sometimes, you don't feel like having your picture taken and that's where the hat comes in. Throw it over your face and just carry on with your life." Wilson suggested that if Ronson was having issues with her hair then she should do what he does. Namely, either wear or carry an additional hat all the time. Wilson did say that the hat wasn't actually his; it belonged to his good pal, Woody Harrelson. Wilson said that the hat had a funny smell to it and wasn't sure if he would be able to get it through customs.

Spike Jonze Wild Things-Watch, Vol. XXIV. Perhaps the City of Ember Blowjob Train was good for something other than fanboy condescension after all: A few of the bloggers on the journey to Comic-Con had a word with Ember producer Gary Goetzman, whose Tom Hanks-owned Playtone shingle is also among the interests behind the forever-delayed Where the Wild Things Are. Goetzman assured his interrogators that the troubled Spike Jonze production, which Warners recently pulled off its upcoming release slate, is coming along just fine; those rumors of a lousy performance by young Max Records and Jonze potentially losing the film are "100% untrue." "I think that Warner Bros.' vision and Spike Jonze's vision may be a little different," Goetzman said, also insisting that Jonze retains final cut. "Warner Bros. has no intention of bringing down the hammer on anyone." Here's hoping they can continue this chat on the Wild Things Train to Comic-Con in 2010. [AICN via Vulture]

To Sienna Miller's credit, the It Girl Who Never Really Was continues to work steadily, despite never having fully congealed in the public's consciousness as a recognizable movie star. (Overheard at an Arclight Stardust screening: "Who's she again?" "She's the Australian one who slept with Ryan Phillippe's nanny, I think.") Miller is due later this year in Hippie Hippie Shake, a biopic set in the '60s in which her flower-child character was required to dispense with cumbersome material possessions (like clothing) and jump wholeheartedly into the era's acid-fueled orgy culture. One continuity problem: Her overly manicured private areas—a configuration popularly referred to today as a "landing strip"—were simply unheard of in the predominantly laissez-hair climate of the time.According to The Mirror, the problem was addressed with CGI: "A merkin or pubic wig simply wouldn't have done the trick, but luckily computer wizardry came to the rescue. Sienna's private parts were digitally enhanced, giving her a rather unruly, loud and proud bush." To our knowledge, this would make it the first major motion picture to require computer-generated pubes. We imagine before long, digital animators will tout proudly in DVD bonus materials how more powerful processors and advanced programming techniques now finally allow them to achieve the look and movement of real body hair. Pictured: A shot of one of the naked Miller scenes in question. Her nether regions are tastefully censored by Andy Serkis, who can literally play anything with a motion-capture suit on, including a merkin. For the unobstructed photo and many more, head to Egotastic.

Sporting twin bandoliers filled with Snickers bars, 80s icon Mr. T recently resurfaced on the Australian arm wrestling circuit. Inspired by the Sylvester Stallone film, Over The Top, The A-Team star sought out the roughest, toughest, meanest arm wrestling scene in all of the world, which lead T to the land Down Under. Mr .T said, "I pity the fool that thinks M.M.A. is tough. Arm Wrestling is where it's at. People wrestling for real life things like children and Snickers bars."

Gossip Girl, the show that the media can't stop gushing over despite the fact that nobody actually watches it or anything, has of course been renewed for a second season. And in an apparent attempt to lure the large audience of celeb voyeurs that's currently interested in the cast members' bi-curious antics off-screen than on, the sultry young things-obsessed marketing crew at the CW has released some "inappropriate" images from the second season’s ad campaign. Thanks to Miley Cyrus and her “scandalous” series of endless flesh-baring spreads, any photos featuring tweenyboppers practically banging each other or doing their best O-face are fine by us. But releasing racy promos like these is a practice long used by GG’s predecessors, and the sleazy plan relying on that old promise that Sex Sells has a history of backfiring in many a series’ pretty little sweat-drenched faces:First, a closer look at the "sexy" ads in question, which include pull-quotes suggesting just how much closer potential viewers will get to the cool kids' table. Watching this show is so dangerous! Your parents will have nightmares just thinking about the (sort of) short skirts Blair wears! Do the nasty!