"You're a Bush! Act like one!" So begins the heartwarming teaser for W., Oliver Stone's lighting-round satire of George W. Bush's trajectory from hard-partying Texas schlub to dynastic political ringleader. And if we ever doubted the likelihood this would be a satire, one run through the casting roll call — a montage of furrowed brows and hammy smiles clearly drawing from the influential opening credits of Benson — all but confirms the variety-show flavor of the administration's antics. From Truman Capote as Karl Rove to Thandie Newton making her best law-circumventing face as Condoleezza Rice, this is shaping up to as the shrewdest political comedy of the season. NB: If our make-up looked as half-assed as Jeffrey Wright's does here as Colin Powell, we probably would have overturned the wrap party, too. Go easy on him, Shreveport. [via First Showing]

We left you Friday with Kelsey Grammer's Job-like test of faith, in which he detailed for Jay Leno the steady onslaught of tragedy and near-death experiences to befall him in recent months. Now comes news the Swing Vote star has canceled four TV appearances, hospitalized for an irregular heartbeat after "feeling faint." [ET Online]

Before embarking on a late summer vacation, momanger extraordinaire Nancy Heigl promised to reward her daughter/client Katherine Heigl with a mysterious envelope if she does a good job housesitting for a week. Katherine begged her mother for a clue, but Mrs. Heigl refused and said that the Roswell star would have to wait until she gets back. Mrs. Heigl said, "All I need you to do is make sure the new episode of Mad Men doesn't get deleted and you'll be happily surprised by the contents inside the pink envelope. And no Grey's Anatomy read throughs either. You know how rowdy they can get." Katherine pouted, but then Mrs. Heigl waved the envelope in her daughter's face and the frown quickly turned upside down.

How To Tell If You've Been Partying Too Hard: A Defamer Quiz 1. How many alcoholic drinks did you consume this weekend? Less Than 3 ( ) Between 3-7 ( ) More than 7 ( ) More than 150 ( ) 2. Did you operate a motor vehicle while under the influence of alcohol? Yes ( ) No ( ) I can't remember ( ) 3. Were you arrested? Yes ( ) No ( ) I have no comment at this time ( ) 3B. If yes, what was the charge? Felony DUI ( ) Misdemeanor DUI ( ) Drugstore loitering ( ) Other ( ) 4. Did you require surgery as a direct result of your drinking? Yes ( ) No ( ) Ow My Balls ( ) 5. Did your partying directly or indirectly lead to the shutting down of production on a major studio tentpole? Yes ( ) No ( ) Back off. Gianter Fucking Robots Are Coming, OK? ( ) Scoring: There's no such thing as partying too hard; therefore, you haven't been. High five! Here's your box office numbers, brah:1. The Dark Knight - $75.63 million Have we grown tired of The Dark Knight yet? While MomzoGate gave off the faint whiff of shark-jumping, audience interest in Christopher Nolan's epochal tale of good vs. unwashed hair showed no signs of waning. Its total grosses for Warner Bros. now hover somewhere around an astounding $312 million—and that doesn't even include additional revenues derived from cross-promotions like The Dark Whopper, Australian Burger King's broodiest batburger yet! (Apparently they also flip a coin to see if you'll either get a free order of onion rings, or watch your first born son get his head shot off. Those Aussies aren't fucking around with their Dark Knight tie-ins.) 2. Step Brothers - $30 million The simple comedy arithmetic of double the imbecilic man-children = double the fun seems to have played itself out nicely for Sony's Step Brothers, as this heartwarming A Very Special Brady story took in a robust 30 mil, with four-out-of-five moviegoers rating it as "funnier the first time, when it was called Dumb and Dumber." 3. Mamma Mia! - $17.865 million In a strange and beautiful accident of nature, a variety of aquatic mammals—small whales, manatees, and the like—have beached themselves outside the doors of theaters screening this ebullient ABBA-musical, drawn to the siren song of Pierce Brosnan's otherworldly vocal stylings. Fear not: They've been relocated to The Grove's dancing waters, where they seem to be perfectly happy surviving off any Cheesecake Factory leftovers tossed to them by visitors. 4. The X-Files: I Want to Believe - $10.2 million Sadly, not every beloved franchise to return to the big screen after an extended absence was greeted with the enthusiasm of a Sex and the City, as the tepidly reviewed The X-Files: You Had Me Until The Anal-Probe Business failed to attract much more than the most ardent Scullyite fundamentalists. 5. Journey to the Center of the Earth - $9.415 million At virtually any screening of this 3-D sci-fi spectacular, you'll see a crowd of delighted children in plastic glasses waving their hands out in front of their faces, attempting unsuccessfully to get a feel of Brendan Fraser's amazingly lifelike self-respect. It's like it's actually there!

A sweeping profile of Endeavor hit The NY Times on Sunday, placing the agency's arduous climb to power in a welcome new perspective. By virtually all accounts, ETA has "grown up" — from a puckish, oversexed boys club to a puckish, oversexed employer of Jodie Foster's rumored lesbian paramour (and more than a half-dozen female partners, up from zero just a few years ago). But despite all Ari Emanuel's progressive brio, he still can't outrun CAA or his own choppy past — Michael Ovitz gets a fun body-blow in by the eighth paragraph, Ari not-so-strenuously deflects those nagging sale and/or merger rumors, and, for those who missed it, there's a recap of Endeavor's somewhat experimental sexual/ethnic chemistry:

Kate Beckinsale displayed a bit of political wishful thinking as she set up decorations for a party on Sunday. Beckinsale believes that a Obama/Clinton ticket would be the perfect ticket to ensure that Democrats once again control the country. Beckinsale said, "They seem like the kind of politicians that you want to go on vacation with and those are the kind of leaders I want to support. If I was happen to vote." Beckinsale then set up up a standee of Iron Man dunking over a standee of Zac Efron.

· If it weren't for Dark Knight news, there wouldn't have been much news at all. After dispatching the Joker, Batman took on his toughest foe to date, the deranged Momzo The Clown (specialty: extortion). Batman denies all of the charges, which is just fine with new Oscar frontrunner Aaron Eckhart. · NBC announced that Jay Leno will be abdicating his Tonight Show throne on May 29, 2009 while a disguised Jay Leno sat in the audience cracking wise. Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon will be spinning his wheels online for a few months before they let him loose on air. · Miley "Slut!" Cyrus took to the YouTubes to wage war on her new rival, Selena Gomez. · If you come within 1,000 yards of Brangelina's test tube babies, Brad Pitt will beat you to a pulp. · We finally learned what Judd Apatow's favorite season of The Wire was. · Surfer dude Matthew McConaughey cashed a $3 million check from OK! for baby pictures of young prince Levi. · Maybe it's just us, but Lyons & Mankiewicz doesn't quite have the same ring as Ebert & Roeper (let alone Siskel & Ebert). · Cuts at Vantage and Netflix made it another tough week for indie film. · Fer sure, fer sure, we counted down our favorite Valley Girls. · Don't bother with MapQuest, NPH can tell you how to get, how to get to Sesame Street. · And finally, the passing of Estelle Getty affected everyone, from teary YouTube eulogists to our own Molly McAleer. The saddest part? None of the Golden Girls made it to the funeral. Nevertheless, the memory of Sophia Petrillo will always live on.

· Kelsey Grammer dropped by The Tonight Show to talk about what it feels like to have a near-fatal heart attack, and the devastating cancellation of Back To You, and the phone call to his hospital bed telling him to clear his Fox offices, and the death of his dog, and the death of his mother. Happy weekend, everyone! [The Tonight Show]
· Just a little taste of what you're missing at Comic-Con. (Warning: May contain traces of bespandexed nutsack.) [Wired]
· The final Britney/K-Fed verdict is in. She has to pay him $20,000 a month in ridiculous-watch-game upkeep fees. [Reuters]
· A rundown of what Comic-Con visitors saw at today's The Wolfman panel included some footage and an eerie tagline—"The power of Satan to change men into beasts”—that we're almost positive was used in a Paris Hilton fragrance campaign. [AICN]
·And finally, we proudly present one of God's Mistakes: The pigkey. [BWE.tv]

With two days of dog-hair-flinging and abortion confessionals throwing The View set into chaos, the impish presence of noted slingback sprite Neil Patrick Harris came as a welcome relief. Of course, the panel went straight in for the Britney kill: Harris was open about the experience of hosting the troubled singer's two-episode guest arc on How I Met Your Mother, noting that she was "out of her element," but that it was "cool" and that "she's looking better now." Still, burned before, he acknowledged that anything he said would likely be twisted beyond recognition by a scandal-hungry celebrity media machine. He then insinuated, with nothing more than a cocked eyebrow and sidelong glance to Whoopi Goldberg, that Britney propositioned the five series regulars with a celebratory wrap orgy.

Katherine Heigl has never failed to shock us, whether she’s yapping about her highly tuned gaydar or wearing dresses made out of The Darjeeling Limited's costume leftovers. But her latest comments on her childhood spent growing up Mormon suggest that, on top of burning Emasculated Husband Joshua Kelley’s pinky finger and forcing him to wait until the very second her biological clock beeps “Procreate!” to have kids, she may even make the poor guy raise said kids Big Love-style. As she recently told a British tab:

A note slipped over the Defamer transom this afternoon hints that all is not well in Nottingham, Ridley Scott's reimagining of the Robin Hood legend which was set to begin shooting with Russell Crowe and a really, really, really excited Sienna Miller sometime next month. But we're hearing now that the film — which twists Crowe's Sheriff of Nottingham as the hero against Robin Hood's ruthless thief — is postponed indefinitely. SAG strike fears, as Miller alluded to in June? Unavailable historical background on Maid Marian's merkin? Inquiries to Universal (which last year paid seven figures for the script) and Scott's pals at Imagine Entertainment weren't immediately returned, leaving us in the lurch for a long weekend to come. Alas, we'll always have Costner.

The Brits are always fond of reminding us of just how many stars they’ve discovered, sent our way, and watched dominate the last decade’s Best Actress Oscar pool. And Keira Knightley is certainly one of their most notable success stories. But as much as they love gushing over their own born-and-bred A-listers, whenever a newer, younger little Brit with potential comes along, they love yanking that shiny crown off the last pout-y superstar and placing it atop the unknown’s pretty-ish head. Which leads us to 16-year-old Georgia "The Next Kiera Knightley" Groome, the upcoming star of the irresistibly-titled Angus, Thongs, And Full-Frontal Snogging, hailed by The Daily Mail as Bridget Jones for teenagers. But after reading more about the film and its quirky dialogue (imagine a script co-written by Diablo Cody and Anthony Burgess), not to mention its leading lady’s disturbing ignorance on all things Johnny Depp-related, we came up with three reasons why Georgia will have a hard time filling Keira’s impossibly narrow shoes:1. The Script Makes Bend It Like Beckham Sound Like Shakespeare: Diablo may have been able to get away with now-sticky phrases like "Honest to blog" and "Phuket, Thailand!" thanks to the plucky work of Ellen Page. But take a gander of these cringe-worthy attempts to make the next "fetch" happen from Angus: "'Oh my giddygodspyjamas" (what she exclaims when she sees a boy she likes), "nunga-nunga holder" (bra) and "Vulgaria!" (the biggest put down). Call us nuts, but we find it hard to get on board with a star whose "As if>!"-esque breakthrough quote-worthy line includes any of the above. 2. Georgia Has No Cokepants Escapades Or Nudity Scandals In Her Future: As she tells the Mail, "I don't think I could handle all that fame and attention...Basically, I like living with my mum and dad, I like living at home, I like school and I'd miss all my friends.'" Oh dear. We're not sure an actress can even get her passport stamped on this side of the pond spouting that kind of saccharine wholesomeness. At least Keira busts out an F-bomb or twelve in nearly every interview she's given. 3. Anyone Who Dares To Neglect Johnny Depp's Pre-Pirates Career Is On Our Shit List: And we don't care how young they are. On the topic of Depp, Georgia gets all gooey-eyed and 'fesses to a crush (permissible), but goes on to say she didn't know who he was before she saw his Keith Richards impersonation in the swashbuckling blockbusters. In our world, that kind of talk is pure sacrilege, even for a 16-year-old.

That familiar feeling is washing over us all again. It's the same feeling that we get at the end of each and every work week. You know what we're talking about. Your brain is tired, your stomach is empty and you're ready for it just to be the weekend already. Well, before you head home to tip back a few root beers, make sure you get a good base going by grabbing hold of this week's Dirt Sandwich with two hands and tearing into it with reckless abandon. Nothing gets the weekend started like Molly McAleer's exquisitely crafted, open-faced look at the wonderous world of celebrity infotainment program. From Christian Bale's arrest for assault to James Blunt's orgy off the isle of Ibiza, you can bet that all of your cravings will be (at least temporarily) satisfied once you let the glory of the Dirt Sandwich wash over you. Enjoy!

Flash back with us for a moment to the halcyon days of 1987. Rick Astley was tearing up the charts, 3 Men And A Baby raked in nearly $170 million at the box office and all the cool kids were wearing Generra Hypercolor shirts. You know, those shirts that promised to change into all colors of the rainbow but really just ended up embarrassing you because they only changed color around your sweaty armpits? Well, as the ole cliché goes, everything old is new again. Apparently, Dov Charney has brought Hypercolor to a brand new generation of hipsters, and Molls and Alexis Hyde are fully on-board with the new/old trend. Watch them model the shirts in this evening's To Do video and find out whether the Hypercolor technology has made any significant leaps and bounds in the 20+ years since your Uncle Grambo wore them during junior high. All this, along with this weeked's To Do's, appear after the jump.FRIDAY · Diana Ross at the Hollywood Bowl. · Wyclef at the House of Blues. · Letters to Kobe at the Westside Eclectic Theater. SATURDAY · Jazz Fest at the Dunbar Hotel. · Jazz Fest at The Greek Theater. · Less Than Jake at the Wiltern. SUNDAY · Gnarls Barkley at the Hollywood Bowl. · Modular Pool Party at the Standard Downtown. · Sunday Bloody Mary Sunday at UCB.

Uh-oh—don't let that crying kid on YouTube see this, lest we prepare for a tsunami of waterworks that could very well short-out the entire internet: None of the surviving Golden Girls showed up to Estelle Getty's funeral. Not even her own daughter. Inside Edition tracked down two of the three to find out where they were:

As noted here yesterday, we missed the Fox PR Caravan to San Diego Comic-Con, but that shouldn't suggest we don't (or you shouldn't) care about the geek gangbang unfolding as we speak. To the contrary, we've actually managed to find a handful of highlights worth passing along, from Rose McGowan's overactive tongue to Benicio Del Toro's narcolepsy to an all-Lego Batman — and more! It's the next best thing to not being there, we promise! ·You'll never believe it, but Nikki Finke also stayed home, instead publishing dispatches by the New Times chain's resident nerd-hack Luke Y. Thompson. And what a run he's had, with his marathon Thursday bringing us hints at a Keanu Reeves love-in (we'll get to that) and the indelible image of Rose McGowan's Red Sonja knife-licking. She and Robert Rodriguez apparently remain a couple despite all kinds of fun rumors otherwise and, obviously, despite the worst movie poster to ever debut at Comic-Con. That said, hemogravy is hot with the ladies these days, so maybe we're the ones out of touch.·LYT draws praise, meanwhile, from David Poland, who also decided to crunch some numbers from the comfort of his own couch:

In the latest Pap Said / Celeb Said scandal, the mystical forests of Brangelina's French estate turned into a bloody battleground where one ruthless pap and the Jolie-Pitts’ head of security attacked each other with walkie-talkies and teeth. As the NY Daily News reports, freelance photographer Luc Goursolas was so determined to slip into the compound unnoticed that he spent five hours on foot, decked himself out in camouflaged clothing, only to come face-to-unhappy-face with the soccer team’s unamused top guard. As Goursolas claims:

To say that Meg Ryan's career is in a free-fall would be to imply that her career hasn't already hit rock bottom. While it's true that she's poised for a potential comeback in this fall's remake of The Women, anyone with half a brain realizes that her star died the day the news broke that she was schtupping Russell Crowe on the set of Proof Of Life back in 2000. Making matters even worse for America's Former Sweetheart™, in Meg's newest (straight-to-DVD) movie called My Mom's Hot Boyfriend, she becomes the latest in a long string of actresses to strap herself into a fat suit only to magically "slim down" to win the heart of a handsome man — a trick which stopped being funny the second time that the Friends gang went to that well. While we're not about to get up on a pedestal and start going off about the offensiveness of fat suits, this news did prompt us to go back and take a look at some of the stars who have donned prosthetics to plump up on-screen in the past (rarely, if ever, to humorous effect). Play along with our latest round of Defamer Bingo after the jump.

We're prepared to be in the minority of viewers who could pretty much take or leave American Teen, director Nanette Burstein's new documentary about the turbulent senior years of five Indiana high-schoolers. While the film has found a fairly inspired critical following and scored consistent audience accolades during its short time on the festival circuit (starting at Sundance, where Paramount Vantage bought it for around $1 million), we tend to like our characters a little more relatable, our drama a little less forced, our resolutions a little less predictable. And our documentaries a little more... documentary.The rap on American Teen, as perhaps best chronicled in an unusual LA Times two-fer about its deceptive marketing and equally deceptive filmmaking, is an illusion of veracity that even Vantage has sought to downplay. The next judgment that doesn't invoke John Hughes and/or The Breakfast Club (neither of whose anxious appeal Teen so much as touches, let alone grasps) will be the first. Which isn't Burstein's fault, of course. But in her careful, interwoven cultivation of jock, princess, geek, indie-girl and the nondescript cute guy who floats between them, she goes unquestionably puppetmaster over everything and everyone, so much so that you'd think her budget has a line-item for serendipity. She's everywhere at once as a girl's nude photo circulates the entirety of the Warsaw High School student body's cell phones and e-mail inboxes; she pushes a camera dolly through the school's corridors, lest shots of her subjects walking lack for style or energy. Nevertheless, she defended herself in the Times:

· The rumors are true! Darren Aronofsky will write and direct a sequel to RoboCop for MGM, with both parties hoping they can score a piece of this guy-in-a-stupid-costume-noir mania currently gripping the planet. [Variety] · A third Harold & Kumar movie is coming. Details are scarce, but word has it they will partake of the herb and refer to their skin colors a lot, and that Neil Patrick Harris will make a cameo. [Variety] · The fate of SAG leadership hangs in the balance, with splintered factions Membership First and Unite for Strength vying not just for control, but also for Most Nerdy Name That Sounds Like A Star Trek RPG Subtitle. [Variety] · Warner Bros. and Leonardo DiCaprio's production company are "quietly putting out word" that they'd like to make a feature version of The Twilight Zone. But wait! There's a twist ending to this item: Everyone has a pig snout! Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. [THR] · Comic-Con was overrun by "rabid teenage fangirls" at the Twilight panel, who rushed the stage, tore the panel apart limb from limb, and feasted on their flesh. That's the last time we let girls into Comic-Con! [THR] · MTV is developing a show based on Elizabeth Berkley's teen girl advice site AskElizabeth.com. This strikes us as a terrible idea, but we guess someone has to undo all the damage wrought by The Hills. Might as well be Nomi Malone. [THR]